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Giving the Gift of Our Tears

December 27, 2018

“They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony.” Revelation 12:11a (NIV)

The worst kind of lonely for me is being surrounded by people and yet still feeling utterly alone.

I can feel it at a restaurant full of noise and activity and people talking loudly over one another. I can feel it in a mall bustling with crowds and overhead announcements and music meant to move everyone along. I can feel it even in a house full of voices I know with all the typical background noises of this place I call home.

The world is spinning, people are connecting, and music is playing … and there I am in the middle of it all, smiling on the outside but crying on the inside.

It’s like one of those Broadway show moments when all the other actors are frozen in a moment of activity, but the spotlight gets thrown on the unsuspected girl stage left. She sings a sorrowful solo about all that’s going on inside her world. And the brokenhearted ballad strikes a chord inside the part of us that feels so very alone as well. We swallow hard, because it could so very easily be us singing that same song in the midst of the crowds of our life as well.

Never have I understood this feeling more than when my marriage hit the roughest of places, and I didn’t know who to turn to for help.

Part of the problem was I didn’t know exactly what was going on. But the other part of my silence was because I wasn’t sure what to say or who was safe to say it to. So I just walked through my days pretending to connect with others while feeling so very isolated.

Since I’ve broken my silence about this, I’ve been astounded by the number of women who feel the same way. They’ve slipped me notes in person or through social media that admit how very alone they feel because of a hurt they haven’t been able to talk about or process.

This is a huge tactic of the enemy. He knows if he can isolate us, he can influence us. He can make us so consumed with the hurt and convinced it will never get better that we miss one of God’s greatest gifts. God created us to do life in a community of believers where we can go stand on someone else’s faith when our own gets shaky. People who can help us see the hope in the midst of our hurts. Friends who pray more words over us than they speak to us. Fellow journeymen who can share their testimony of heartbreak turned healing, so we don’t get swallowed up by the pain of our similar circumstances.

We need each other.

God designed us to help each other.

Look at the very first two humans recorded in the Bible, Adam and Eve. Genesis 2:18 tells us, “The LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him’” (NIV).

Throughout the Bible, we see our need for each other clearly communicated.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, NIV).

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11, NIV).

“They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony” (Revelation 12:11a).

Oh, how I love that last verse. God’s message of hell-defeating hope is often most powerfully preached from the lips of those whose pain has been turned into the purpose of helping others.

Who do you need to share your tears with? Who needs to know they aren’t alone?

I know how hard it is to open up about our deepest disappointments. I deeply understand how terrifying vulnerability can be. But I also know there’s someone else in the world who would drown in their own tears if not for seeing yours. And when you make one other human simply see they aren’t alone, you make the world a better place.

Father God, I’m so grateful You don’t waste any of my tears. I want to take these lessons I’m learning in the midst of my own brokenness and use them to help someone else feel less alone, less broken, less hopeless. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

One of our deepest desires here at Proverbs 31 Ministries is to reach those who feel painfully alone in their circumstances, and provide a safe place for them to get connected and get their hopelessness redirected with solid teaching and honest testimonies. If you have ever needed the exact message you received from Proverbs 31 Ministries through one of the many ways we reach out daily, will you consider partnering with us financially, so we can continue reaching those who are desperate for connection and hope? You can give here today.

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  1. Kayla scott

    Thank you for this message today. I cant tell you how word for word you wrote how i am feeling in my life right now. My marraige is barley hanging by half a thread and i cant even tell you why, I dont know. I have so many questions, but no answers and no one to really share with but my preacher and his wife( but they are so busy trying to help others). I really dont even have the words to say anything….

    • Marcella Pond

      You aren’t alone. My husband moved into our guest house 2 months ago, and has convinced himself it’s ok for him to have a texting (60+ a day) friendship with a woman the age of our oldest daughter. Yet still comes over and tells me he loves me, yet won’t kiss me and occasionally give me a side hug. I just found out that he was texting her while he was showing me his Christmas gift for me. I left for 2 days after Christmas, came home yesterday and he said he enjoyed not being afraid of being interrupted. Today was a rough day for me. Please remember me in your prayers. I’ll lift you up as well.

      • Brenda

        I’m so sorry. My husband thinks it’s ok to go on dating sites and text other women. He says it’s just texting. I don’t understand it. Just recently one of the women he texted was a coworker. She doesn’t know it’s my husband.

  2. Rebecca

    This is exactly where I am … I can be with people and still feel isolated. If I listen to my emotions I would fall … people think I am strong but like you said behind my smile I am crushed. A man I had covenant with .. one who I lived in a marriage that I thought was a godly union was one sided. He was seeing other women for six years out of our 12 years together … unknown to me.

    It is one year later as I look back and I see signs. He stopped studying his Bible … He and I topped studying together … as I wrote he would ask to ‘proof read’ but now I remember he was parroting things about scripture that I wrote to others. He started to spend time on his computer … and I started spamming so much stuff that was smut …

    There is an immoral spirit hovering over the nation and over the world. He became caught in a snare and could not find his way out. One year later it seems like yesterday. I am so lonely but in that I am learning to depend on Jesus more and more. I think I made my husband an idol … I think I made the little farm we had an idol. Now I am stripped of both which I am thankful for God’s mercy. He rescued me in so many ways. He gave me the gift of love of the ability to forgive. The heart within me is being healed but will never be the same.

    I am so thankful for Jesus. I know as I walk through this shadow of death He is the light . I love the scripture in Song of Solomon that says, “Who is that coming up out of the wilderness leaning upon her Beloved.” I just will be glad to get out of this wilderness.

  3. V

    Your messages have been extremely helpful for me as I journey through a new normal. My marriage of 25 years is coming to an end. Having your messages to read, gives me comfort. Hopefully I can one day help others who might go through this process. Thank you for being so transparent.

  4. Michelle

    Thank you, Lysa. I have been through such a difficult year, and I am struggling to believe that things will get better, but if Good was faithful to redeem your situation, maybe He will redeem mine too.

  5. Kelly

    I have felt that alot too. but in my alone I grab my bible and simply soak in the books and meaning. I think women feel alone more and not open up because we feel judged or miscommunicated. in my alone I have gained strength and found a closer connection with God. so I was happy with that but not connecting o friends etc isn’t great…
    my your alone find your own happy. we can’t rely on others for our happy . I love going for prayer walks..reading scripture..gardening..etc. find your own happy and your world will start to rebuild. been thru tons so I know this…

  6. Clothed in strength and dignity

    Lysa, I hope my story makes it to you. Not for me, but for you. Because I want so deeply for you to understand your impact. For you to truly see what God is doing through your story. Your vulnerability has made such a difference in my life the past 2 months. I first met you at a women’s conference in Greenville, SC many years ago. It’s probably been 9 years ago. You were a speaker, and you blessed my heart so deeply. I followed you after that and enjoyed listening to podcasts with you and reading the books you released. Imagine my surprise when I was a leader at Gauntlet X in Daytona, and low and behold, you surprised us as a speaker! Your word that night was so true and beautiful. It spoke to me and countless others. I downloaded the First 5, and I have enjoyed getting daily encouragement. Last year, I saw your posts about Art. My heart broke, but I was confident God had you in His hand. Later, I saw your reconciliation. And I celebrated that. I shared it on Facebook, because I felt the reconciliation didn’t get nearly as much celebration as the separation. But the reconciliation was what needed to be seen! Such a beautiful picture of God’s glory! Fast forward to November 3, 2018. I found the thing on my husband’s phone in the middle of the night. The thing no wife wants to see. I knew something was off for the whole 2 months prior to that, but I didn’t know the extent until I saw the texts after he had gone to sleep. When I picked up the phone, my world fell apart. No broken pieces. Just ash, like you’ve described in your book. I found myself on the floor grasping at pieces of dust. But there was nothing to grab. It was all gone. In a flash, my life had been destroyed. I had a group of girls from my Bible study group who rallied around me, and I had a counselor there to help me pick myself up. On that next day, Monday, November 4th, I thought to myself, “Lysa went through this. I wonder how she and Art are doing.” So I pulled up your Instagram. And I saw that you were releasing a book, THE NEXT DAY, called “It Isn’t Supposed To Be This Way”. What are the chances that the Christian woman I look up to releases a book about my situation 2 days after my discovery? It’s not coincidence. It’s God. It’s been almost 2 months now. My husband has shown great remorse. We are meeting weekly with a wonderful Christian counselor. We have made great strides, and I am so grateful that we are on this road of reconciliation. But it is still new and fresh, so I still have bad days. Yesterday was super hard. But I opened Instagram, and you had made a post. What I was struggling with yesterday was that the other woman had seemingly moved on without consequence. She helped my husband destroy my family and then just went right on to live her life normally, leaving us in shambles. But you posted that every choice has built in consequences, consequences that I may not see. But they are there. That spoke to me. As have so many of your posts the past 2 months. Everything you post hits me straight in the heart. It’s as though it’s all written for me. But I know there are so many other women who are gleaning the same wisdom from each thing you write that I am. So thank you. Thank you for speaking to my heart directly in the hardest moments of my life. Thank you for being faithful in the hard times. You are so anointed. And you are making an eternal difference in the lives of women and families everywhere. ❤️

  7. Anganie Roach

    Hi Lysa,

    Really this message is for Art, can anyone else see the joy of the Lord and the peace of God on Art’s face? This man is changed truly by God, the presence of the Lord is evident. What a change. What a man for choosing to do the right thing, an honourable man he is, for reconciling with his family, Art long term you will reap glorious benefits for humbly submitting to God.

  8. Daisy

    This is very timely! And encouraging

  9. P

    Oh, Lysa, how I agree that we need each other. But what does one do when there are no “others”?

    I awaken each morning wondering how I am going to get through another day of loneliness. I was always very outgoing, but because of so many heartbreaks, I have become reclusive, and more so as each day passes. I pray that God will take me home.

    There is, though, an upside, and that is I spend a couple of hours each day in prayer and reading scripture or doing online Bible studies. I know Jesus is fully aware of my pain and when the pain is unbearable, I call out to Him, and I feel His presence. I have felt Him holding my face in His Hands or walking beside me in a meadow filled with wildflowers.

    But I still long for someone, just one person, to walk with me here on earth. I know all the right answers to this; i.e., go volunteer, call someone from the past, join a Bible study, etc., but my reclusiveness has grown to such a point that I feel paralyzed emotionally. I am almost 70, and I feel like I have been cast away, with no hope of ever having anyone in my life again.

    Come Lord Jesus. I truly cannot wait to see your Face.

    • Kimberly

      You are never alone!!!I just scrolled through and saw your post…I know it is the middle of February but I am checking on you…prayed that you have found some healthy connection and healing is taking place.

  10. Melissa Smith

    In a dark hour I was scrolling through Facebook and saw your book
    It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way…I know God placed it there because I am at exactly the spot you write about….you could be talking about me–I hate the night because I’m alone, it’s truly like ‘licking the floors of hell’…but you are showing me that walking the tightrope will lead me to better things that God wants for me…in my head I believe that, but Satan gets in that little crack at times to fill my heart with doubt and “what did I do to make this happen again to me?” Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I am so thankful I found you….

  11. Marlene

    Dear Lysa,
    Today I just finished reading your book “Uminvited” which hugely touched my heart. After putting the book down, I felt impressed to look online in case one of your sermons had been been uploaded to utube and I stumbled onto a link for the interview you did on LIFE TODAY. Thankyou for sharing so authentically about your life. I just sobbed as I listened to your words and I truly felt God’s touch and nearness in my own brokeness and dust. Thankyou Lysa for sharing your story which restored my hope. I pray God’s abundant blessings over you and your family. Thankyou

  12. Sandy

    I am in that lonely-feeling time. My husband is a Christian but whether unwittingly, unknowingly or to fill a need of his own tends to take over things…talking over me when in conversation with others, slyly adds ingredients to my cooking, often changing the recipe, contradicts me, rarely talks to me, goes upstairs to watch TV soon after dinner, leaving me alone much of the time, all of which the evil one uses to tell my heart I am less than. If I say anything he says “oh I know, it’s all about you.” The hurt is profound some days. He is having surgery next week and will be home several weeks…I am dreading it. Appreciate prayer.

  13. Cheslea

    I just read this today, January 3rd, and it was exactly what I needed to hear/ read. I have been battling with a heartache that I cannot seem to heal from. The enemy keeps pulling me in telling me that I am alone, and your message shows me that I am not. My fiancé betrayed me back in May 2018 and hid a lot from me and now I cannot get over it and keep asking myself why am I not enough? I turn to prayer and God most of the time, and that will make me feel better. But sometimes I get so caught up in my own head that I create awful stories and dread even going home or dread seeing my fiancé. I know deep down he is not cheating but I convince myself he is. When there are no signs of it, I try and create them. I am broken inside and have to heal but do not know where to even start.

  14. Anna

    Thank you Lysa. Thank you for daring to daily walk hand in hand with Jesus. Jesus sees your tears. He numbers them. You are so beautiful to Him.
    “God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved, God shall help her, just at the break of dawn.” Psalm 46:5

  15. P

    I left a comment several days ago and it wasn’t posted. Was I censored?

    • Lori Dean

      is it not posted on Jan 1st.?
      Your posting caught my attention…a wee bit because of your age.
      My I be so bold as to say…YOU are needed.
      I lost my Grandma 3 years ago….
      I miss her so, her stories, her delightful perspective, her “look”, the thoughts that only years of doing this life could hone out. Will you not find a Library that needs someone to read to littles? There’s a young Mom out there that needs what only You and your dear years can offer. You are needed.

      • P

        Ahhh, sweet Lori 🙂 Thank you for such a kind and encouraging response. I truly appreciate your thoughtful words. I actually did exactly what you suggested earlier this week and became a reader for preschoolers at our library. I’ve only done it once, but it was fun to be with the little ones 🙂 I’m sorry for the loss of your Grandma, and I hope you are at peace knowing she has her heavenly reward. Blessings to you 🙂

  16. Vikki Foley

    Your words and your lastest book Its Not Supposed to Be this Way always are so on time. I am an introvert but friendly. I can feel so alone even at church services I feel God there and I pray for others. I feel I cry alone when go up front to pray. My pastor and got great family friends but feel God is there. But hard to lean on others. As I been told I so encourage others with positive feedback and praying with them for breakthroughs. So hard for me to reach out as some very few hard season for me and my family. I work full time steady income and my hubby started a new business in July 2018 it hurt us fighting to not lose our home or if have to sell back rental world. We rented for 7 hrs after 1st home had to get off because hubby got let go of job and we had to sell. So its all round 2 only been in home that worked hard to get in to buy for 2 years. Leaning on God with prayer partial fasting until Jan 21st.
    Lysa I love your strength through all been through and still are. And encouraging to see you standing on Gods words and still encouraging others though it. (also volunteer in Womens ministry and childrens ministry at my church}

  17. Kim

    I have always enjoyed your writing, but since your marriage struggles began, you have taken on a new depth that is beautiful. I connect so much with parts of your story. Thank you for sharing so candidly. I have had times in my life also when all seems stripped away and lost and I feel so unbearably alone. Yet, when I reach up to God in those moments, He comes right into the mess and fills me with a completely unconditional and unmerited love. It’s just so hard to walk through the unknown things of this world sometimes. I am loving every word of your latest book. It is stuff I have experienced and know, but it is so encouraging to hear it from someone else and know I’m not alone in the struggles of life. I am in the process right now of determining who those people are that it’s safe to share with, how much to share in my writing etc. Thank you for sharing your story!

  18. Lisa

    My 38 year marriage ended because of my husbands porn/sex addiction.

  19. Rogrr

    As a husband I am totally crushed and alone. My wife left me. We worked together in ministry, we even counseled other couples, she loves Lysa and all her books. I need everyone who reads this to pray for restoration. My children and my wife deserve it. I am in counseling for all the areas my wife said I needed help in. I am closer to Jesus than ever and I am leaning on him for my strength. I know by His hand this is not the end of our story but it is hard being so alone after sharing life with my sweet heart for 23 years.

  20. Brassyhub

    Sorry that you appear to censor my comments, and that there are no references to ‘mixed orientation marriages’ or relationships. My wife ‘came out’ to herself and to me after thirty plus years of an increasingly sexless marriage. There’s VERY little help, compassion, support for couples like ours.

  21. Jacque

    Hi All,

    Wow with all sincerity I am truly blessed to feel that your new book comes with a giant embrace. I have recently endured a concussion and the words, “It’s not suppose to be this way,” feel like echo of my soul. I am on day 9 of the concussion and in the midst of my fog and uncertainty I pick up your book and it provides a healing I didn’t know I needed. I really just want to say thank you Lysa, with tears in my eyes for your vulnerability that has reached out and touched mine. I know we are not acquainted but just like in WK 1 of the online study I feel that you are right in saying it is going to be difficult for someone reading to feel like they can’t relate. Thank you for being so exposed. I truly feel I have walked this road with you and keep you in my prayers.


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