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3 Questions You Must Ask Before Reacting

January 21, 2014

My heart raced as I saw the number pop up on my phone. Nothing in me wanted to have this conversation. I was beyond aggravated. Hurt. Angry. And tired of being misunderstood.

I answered the call with two goals in mind – to prove how right I was and how wrong they were.

How do you think that conversation went?

Not well.

This conflict happened over 5 years ago so the rush of emotion has dissipated and I can see more clearly how wrong my approach was.

I learned from that conflict. Hopefully, I learn something from every conflict – especially how to have better reactions. I’m so far from being in a place where I can shine my halo.

But I’m getting better.

While my initial thoughts when a conflict arises are usually those same old “I’ll show you” thoughts, I’ve progressed by not letting those leak into my reactions.


By asking myself three questions:

1. What part of this issue can I own and apologize for?

There are always two sides to every issue. And no side is perfectly right or all the way wrong.

If I make peace with the part I need to own and apologize for ‘before’ the conversation, there’s a greater chance I’ll stay calm ‘in’ the conversation. Proverbs 15:1 is a verse I’ve memorized and recalled often, “A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

2. How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react?

Gosh, this one is hard. Really hard. But I know hurt people hurt people.

Usually the person with whom I’m having a conflict has some kind of past or current hurt in their life feeding this issue. Chances are that hurt doesn’t have anything to do with me but is adding to their emotional response in this conflict.

It’s easier to soften my heart if I can sympathize with their hurt I can’t see. If I can duck below my pride, honor will be my reward. Proverbs 29:23 reminds us, “Pride brings a person low, but the lowly in spirit gain honor.”

3. If I knew this conversation was being video taped and then shown to people I greatly respect, how would this change my reaction?

What if I showed up to church this week and my pastor directed everyone to watch the screen for an example of a bad reaction? And then my face appeared. Have. Mercy. I. Would. Surely. Faint. #Call911.

While it is highly unlikely that our conversation would be recorded and viewed, it is very likely others are watching our reaction. Our kids. Our co-workers. Our friends. But here’s the one that really grabs my heart – my Jesus is very much present. Philippians 4:5 reminds us, “Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.”

I know every conflict has variables that must be considered. Some conflicts have escalated to the point where professionals must be called in to help. Be mindful and prayerful about this.

But for the everyday conflicts we all have, these questions are good to consider. If we control our reactions in the short-term, we don’t have to live with ‘reaction regret’ in the long-term.

3 Questions You Must Ask Before Reacting

If you found these 3 questions helpful, my book Unglued digs deeper into managing conflict in a godly way. Leave a comment telling me which question resonated with you the most and you’ll be entered to win 1 of 5 Unglued books I’m giving away today.

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  1. Nancy Parkinson

    Question 1, remembering im not perfect ether. What resignated most with me was in Proverbs a Gentle response calms wrath but a harsh one stirs the anger! How true and jow easy it is to forget these words on the moment. God has been working on me with this and i will clings to these words/this scripture you have provided me with.

    Thank you n God Bless
    Nancy P

  2. Melissa

    #1 resonated with me most. It is often hard to take a good long look at ourselves when we are in a conflict and judging the other person. I think I have the hardest time with this one because I get embarassed at whatever I might have done to contribute to the conflict in the first place.

  3. Joan Pittman

    Question 1 resonated with me because I’m trying hard to forgive my husband as we go through a divorce. Rather than be bitter I choose hope so I’m learning to own up to my part. I like the part where you talk about apologizing first before you get into the conflict part of the conversation. Pray I can take this next right step.

  4. S. Colby

    Number 3. Who is watching us when we react. The Lord is always near.

  5. Marty Walden

    Number 2. As a mom to adopted kids with attachment disorders it is so very hard to stay calm and remember the trauma that drives their behaviors. There have been many times I’ve held mine and just prayed for God to love them because I was empty and had nothing left to give at that moment.

  6. Laura H

    3 great questions! Number 1 resonates probably the most for me. It’s pretty powerful when I can see my own part in something vs putting the full blame on the other person, and definitely brings that gentler response. Thank you for these!

  7. veronica

    Lysa all three of the are pretty good. I need them but i resonate with one because it would help me put my stubborn will and pride aside and give a chance to hear the other person and forgivness would come much easier. 🙂 thanks Lysa. Be blessed.

  8. Rhonda May

    When reading your post about 3 things to ask before reacting, I was able to relate strongly when you said “I’ll show you” My father’s personality could be described in those three little word. I’m 53 years old and those words at one time also described me. Even now it still sometimes wants to creep back in. Years ago I found the lord and have learned so much about compassion toward others. The lord has revealed to me in so many area’s of my life where my heart was so hard. I thank the lord that I found him and he was able to show me a better way of life. I often think, I wish my father could known the compassion that I now know through the Lord.
    Thank you for all you do!
    Rhonda May

  9. Veronica

    #3 wow! This would be a major wake up call. To have my bad mommy moments viewed or listened to…..I would definitely be making some better choices. Its very true though I would care more about what my heavenly father thought and I know that would not be pleasing to him.its having to remind myself in those moments to stop and pray. Thank you Lord for your Grace!

  10. Maggie Mayne

    Hi Lysa,
    Jesus is near and always watching & listening is something I always try to remember – especially when I get angry or hurt about something. I want to please Him in every way and the fact that He is watching my reactions helps give me pause. He is right there with me to help me with my own pain so I don’t pour it out on other people. Giving Jesus my hurt and receiving His love for me and the other person can be done in a heartbeat. Then I no longer react in anger, but can respond with His Love.

  11. linda

    No. 2 very appropiate bible passage application to such a ‘everyday’ problem/issue thankyou

  12. Sarah Jo

    Number one – I am so determined to be completely right that it blinds me to the fact that, as you said, *no one* is totally and infallibly correct in any disagreement. Part of me has this idiotic idea that if I’m not completely right, then I must be completely wrong – and I am completely overlooking the fact that “being right” should not be my end goal, anyway.
    This list is going to be markered onto the bathroom mirror – the first item is what I most struggle with, but I’m really bad at Christian conflict on every level.

  13. Beverly

    I think #1 and 3 equally, and specifically related to my family. Prov 15:1 is a verse that I’ve been trying to remember when in conflict with my husband or kids. My reaction can sooth or escalate a situation. And then, what are my kids learning from me by witnessing the way I respond? Are they learning to be more like Christ?
    My desire is to be an imitator of Christ (Eph 5:1). Then when my kids imitate me, which they inevitably do, they’ll be imitating Christ by default:-)

  14. Latrelle

    #2–soften my hurt. If I can put myself in their shoes & maybe see it’s not all about mr–then I feel less hurt & can give them grace.

  15. Linda S

    I learned something very valuable several years ago. When someone comes at me, maybe yelling or accusing. I try to live with this thought. Hear the message and leave the emotion. If I hear the message and deal with the problem, , then I find out that frequently the emotion will go away. I also don’t take everything as personal as I used to.

  16. TinaW

    Hi Lysa,
    I’m reading “Unglued” right now. 🙂 I too have to OFTEN reflect on Proverbs 15:1. I even have had it taped to my bathroom mirror. It keeps my thoughts and words straight!!
    Just wanted to share.
    ~TinaW 🙂

  17. Stephanie Nelson

    #3 – If my reaction were being videotaped – my my my lol – would that not stir up some reactions lol. I would just pray that my daughter was not present for that viewing.

  18. Krista

    I Think#3 forMeBecauseWeAlwaysHaveToRememberThatTheLord IsAlways WatchingButWhatAboutOthers. WeNeverKnowWho Is Watching OurReactions AndWeNeedToNeedTheExampleThatOthersMaySeeChrist In Us.

  19. Teresa Tompkins

    Question 1 was most meaningful to me. I do not like conflict at all, but I do have times when I feel I’m right and just let the anger build and build up inside me rather than going to scripture and praying about it. Going to Proverbs 15:1 will help me resolve any issues with someone I may be having and “get over it”.

  20. Randa

    Good morning! Jehovah is working on me! This very verse, Proverbs 15:1 is my meditation verse for this month. I find myself enforcing my desires with harsh tones And I do not like the tense relationship afterward. However, the question #2 spoke most to me this morning, that is my desire, to have empathy for others and be a vessel of God’s love instead of a stumbling block. Thank you, Lysa for being used by God. ~Blessings, Randa

  21. Miller

    #2 ⭐ it’s hard but I’m getting better…
    Used to respond emotional way very Quickly. results was wore me out.
    Very true what you said
    “Control ourselves ” discipline
    Thank you Lisa!

  22. Mary T

    Lysa, all 3 of these questions so go together, like a comforter when I am in the cold of a “disagreement”. I often think of one of these at a time, but how good it is to reflect on all of these prior to a conversation. If I had to pick the one that means the most to me, it would be the part of 3 where I would be aware of my Jesus and how He is feeling about how I respond. Currently in the middle of a situation in which this post is a blessing. Thank you! God bless!

  23. Becky

    The second question really hit me hard. I had a conflict just a month and a half ago that this really clicked with. I tried to remember that the conflict was not my fight and didn’t want to get caught in the middle but this person kept trying to put me there. Its hard to remember that the fight isn’t mine and not be hurt by the things that were said. I have been praying for the other person but have a hard time remembering that a “soft answer turneth away wrath.” Thank you for your timely posts.

  24. Tammy T

    Oh my – all 3 resonated with me. But I think that the video of my reaction would be the most painful. We all want everyone to see us at our best and the shame at having our worst moment publicized would be humiliating & embarrassing! But what a wonderful way to stop the reaction by realizing that God is watching our video – constantly!

    Thank you Lysa!

  25. Jen J

    Oooooh. #3 is a terrific thought. Like holding up a mirror to my heart. I’d sure love to enjoy your new book, Lysa!

  26. shelly

    Dear Lysa,
    Yesterday I had a really truly ungodly encounter with my 12 year old son. Ugly. Last night I apologized, and asked God to help me and called a counselor. I’m going through a divorce and this may indeed be the time professional help is needed. Leaving my abusive husband is supposed to give my kids peace to grow in. Taking that away by being out of control with my son means they then have no one to go to. Not the goal.
    I already have Unglued. This morning I have decided to read it again today.
    Thank you Lysa.

  27. ESM

    Wow! All good…all very good. 3 perhaps the most powerful for me. Respected friends and associates, sure, God, certainly, my children…wow. What if my children watched my reaction/interaction? What I show them, they learn. I had better check out Unglued!

  28. Brande

    I think question #1 for me. As it has been mentioned, it is so very hard to see our own faults, especially in an emotional time. We are much better at the seeing the “speck” in someone else, and overlooking the “log” in us. It is hard to admit our own faults as we get embarrassed and feel like we have to live up to some standard of perfection. Thanks for the thought provoking message this morning.

  29. Kathy Fuller

    First, I want to say thank you for this devotion. It was as if God said it all FOR me THROUGH you. All three of these questions are so thought provoking. As I read them all, #3 popped out at me. But, as I pondered this question, I thought how awful it would be if I was recorded while being ugly to someone and then shown publicly for all to see. And, I realized God is ALWAYS there. He knows and hears everything I say do and say. His eyes are the “camera” and HE is the “public”. If I would be ashamed for anyone seeing and hearing me, how much more should I be ashamed to realize God sees me. To act in such a manner ruins my witness. Why would anyone want to be a Christian if they see me pitching a fit? As I re-read the first two questions, I realized I need to pray for my heart to be softened not just in the moment of conflict, but at all times. I need to have the heart of Jesus. And, in the first question, I need to admit to myself there are always two sides of the conflict. Before a word is spoken in anger, I need to take the time to search my heart and sincerely ask God to show me MY faults in the situation so I can humbly apologize for my part in the conflict. It made me think of something I’ve heard so often thru my life…I may be the ONLY “Jesus” someone will see. Being a Christian, I need to be “Christ like”. Would I want anyone to think Jesus would act like this? Again, thanks for this devotion which truly touched my heart with conviction to be a better person and let JESUS be seen through me.

  30. Kathie

    OUCH! Just what I needed this morning. As if the first two weren’t enough, #3 went for the gut. I imagine I would be appalled if I saw such a tape of myself at times, much less those I respect most. Need to remember the ONE I love the most is always watching. Thank you for the powerful message.

  31. Marlene

    I think Question #1 is super important for me to remember. It is so hard to see my part in situations when I’m angry! Also I’ve caught myself taking too much responsibility in other situations and stepping back and seeking God’s wisdom will point that out too

  32. Lorraine Appleton

    The first question for me would be the one. I believe that if I take responsibility for my part, give a soft answer and listen to what the other party has to say then I’m less likely to explode. I’ll likely hear what hidden issues the other person has – even if not right then and there. I’m more likely to forgive them as I must forgive myself.

  33. Janet F

    “But I know hurt people hurt people. Usually the person with whom I’m having a conflict has some kind of past or current hurt in their life feeding this issue. Chances are that hurt doesn’t have anything to do with me but is adding to their emotional response in this conflict. It’s easier to soften my heart if I can sympathize with their hurt I can’t see. If I can duck below my pride, honor will be my reward. Proverbs 29:23 reminds us, “Pride brings a person low, but the lowly in spirit gain honor.”

    I love reading your posts, you have such insight and make me think!!!! These statement is so true and yet I forget them when I am being hurt! Oh God take away my pride and help me to love like You love!! Thank you Lysa for being so vulnerable in your life and sharing so we can learn to be better people!!!

  34. Dalaina

    3. If I knew I was being taped…

    I want so badly to control my responses and feel as though I do well, until we’re late going out the door, I’m going to be late for work, someone’s coat is MIA, the dog is playing hide and seek under the bed, & all of a sudden someone forgot to go to the bathroom. It seems as though mornings bring out this overly stress, snappy woman I’ve never seen before (or at least not since yesterday morning).

    This is definitely not the woman of God I want to portray to anyone in my life and especially not to my kids! But as a woman who aims to please others in my life, I would be mortified if anyone else saw my morning cRaZiNeSs! Thank you for continue to share and let God work through you!

  35. Karyn Wilson

    “If I knew this conversation was being videotaped….” Oh my goodness. I would be so different- more gently spoken with such a sweeter voice & tone would come out. I would choose & evaluate my words so much more carefully. So if I CAN respond that way, why don’t I? Your article reminded me (uncomfortably) that my unkindness, lashing out, and “defending what I said/did was right” is indeed being recorded, most often by those that I love most in this world (who are usually the recipients of my ugly behaviour). And by my Saviour. As a child, I had a book called “If Jesus Came to My House Today”. In the book, Jesus shows up at a child’s home & goes with him throughout his day. So when I would be in church, I would save a little room on the pew for Jesus to sit beside me. At school, I would save a little room at my desk. I saved room for Jesus everywhere I went. That thought changed how I felt & behaved. Really made an impression on me that Jesus IS always by me. And sees & hears when I speak harshly. Or am unkind. Thank you for this reminder. I embrace this new day mindfully aware that I am being “taped” & also remembering what that sweet childhood book taught me. Thank you for stepping on my toes this morning (in such a gentle way!)

  36. Perri

    Questions # 3 hit home for me! It reminds me that God always has that video camera on!!! How would you act knowing God is holding the video camera… Which he is!! I love all of your books that I have. I look foward to your blogs daily!! Thank you! god bless!

  37. Brenda

    Lysa, I have read your book unglued. I was only allowed to be unglued on the inside. If I showed it there would be a penalty for it. I cannot own my husband’s wrath because he came through the door and decided that I was having an affair with my boss and ranted about it for 2 days. I had no part of that, it was all in his twisted mind. There are only so many times that I could try to comfort him and tell him that I had a husband (or whatever man off the street he could think of), why do I want someone elses. It started out as a loving reaction and eventually became a boundary where I would leave the room if he said it.

    I cannot take ownership because he had a bad day at work and came home and pounded on the pillars in the living room and slammed doors through the house. There are not always 2 people in the problem. When he had a day like that I fed the kids, got them on their homework and spent my time reading the Bible and crocheting, not saying a word. His response to my speaking to him about his behavior at a later date: I’m not abusing you, I never hit you. Well he may as well have and eventually he did.


    Lysa, this writing will, I’m sure, be very beneficial to me. I have been overly sensitive all my 71 years of life and I struggle with sharp remarks (and sometimes hurtful) when my feelings are hurt. I am better than I was but I think these 3 mental processes will help greatly. Thank you!

  39. Helen

    Hi Lysa, #2 resonated with me. Hurting people do indeed hurt people. Demonstrating compassion and speaking the truth with love is a beautiful and effective model for daily life, thank you Jesus! Conflict is inevitable, but lovingly speaking my truth keeps me from stuffing and hopefully allows a greater chance for healing conversation. It is hard, but better than living with regrets!

  40. Jean Walker

    While all three were super-applicable, #2 is the one that spoke most to me. I need to remember that everyone has some type of pain in their lives, and that it’s not all about “me.”

  41. Mary Weiss

    Question # 2 really hit me.
    I have had major conflict with my daughter in law for years! The thing is, most of the time she is not even aware there is conflict. I am so concerned about what her reaction will be I have a lot of pent up anger, hurt and frustration.
    I realize that I am allowing her control of situations due to fear of her reaction.
    How can I confront in love ??

  42. Glenda

    It is the title itself that really caught my attention – Questions to Ask Before Reacting. I have a very bad habit of letting my emotions control my reactions. I am a classroom teacher and have several students that really know how to push my buttons. Over this long weekend God has been convicting me that I need to be reacting differently to these kids and has led me to bathe them in prayer and ask Him to change my attitude towards them.
    With my son as well, who is very strong willed and about to turn 18, it is really hard to even have a conversation with him lately. I have really been having to learn to change my instinct to overreact to him. These questions and verses will be very helpful to me as I continue to guide my students and my son.

  43. Kim

    Thank you so much for this post, Lysa! Question #3 is the one that most resonated with me…you are so right that there are others watching, especially Jesus!! I also was struck by your little motto -“If we control our reactions in the short-term, we won’t have to live with reaction regret in the long-term!” We are currently working with our kids on their reactions to things so this really hit home. Oh, how different our lives would be if we all lived by these words!!

  44. Emma Phillips

    # 3, Lysa, I always try to remember even if no one sees me, Jesus is always with me and He sees everything I say and do. But I keep striving to be like Jesus. Psalm 19:14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord my Rock and my Redeemer.

  45. amy

    Just read this quote this morning on facebook, and it goes along with your topic today: “Perfect maturity is when a person hurts you, and you try to understand their situation and don’t hurt them back.”

  46. Melissa whitley

    #1 and 2 🙂 i thought you did a great job putting into words how i think. When i read it, it sounds so professional opposed to me frantically going through my checklist with my emotions going crazy. Thank you for writing!!!!

  47. Brenda Blunt

    They are all great Questions but for me it is Question 2 and the lesson I learned that you can be right about the issue but there is a humble way to react. Being right doesn’t usually end up the important part it is how we treat the other person……it is a tough lesson but a life lesson…..listen twice as much as we speak (why we have 2 ears and 1 mouth). Thank you for your words of wisdom.

  48. Dee

    All 3 were very thought provoking, but #3 really hits hard. By God’s grace, I have improved in my reactions to my kids over the last couple of years, but there are still times I would not want anyone else to see the tape. I am always reminding my kids that God ALWAYS sees everything. Maybe I need to remind myself hourly!!! Thanks for the message today.

  49. Cindy Cummings

    This entire message resonates so strongly in me, but if I had to pick one thing to comment on it would be #2, bringing honor to the person while in the conflict. What a wonderful thought, maybe to even pray for the person prior to the conversation. That would revolutionize how we approach conflict. Thank you Lysa for your insight and for showing us how to be real with our hurt and emotions.

  50. Jeanette

    Question 2 hit me…it had actually been my prayer this am to soften my heart towards my husband. I can feel compassion for so many folks but when we are going through a hard time, my heart just hardens up. My first reaction to the scripture was, sad to say, disappointment because I thought that’s not my problem here. I need a magic scripture that will show me how to soften my heart but…maybe there is some pride involved here that needs to be examined more closely. Thank you for Proverbs 29:23…will do some “chewing” on it.

  51. Jamie

    #1—-I think if we all prayed to be shown our part in a situation and truly owned that, many conflicts could be avoided or at least quieted sooner.

  52. Charlotte Orth

    Hello Lysa, I do not find it that hard to apologize but I am hurt then if the other party does not also apologize for their part of the conflict. I continue to pray for them nevertheless.

  53. Lisa

    Thank you for helping us to walk this walk – not just learn one time and forget. Each question has so much value. Also thank you for being so transparent that each of us can relate. I have always been a bridge burner. You are helping me day by day to save my relationships.

  54. Julie

    #3! I was asked to teach a SS class last week and didn’t understand why I had to teach the curriculum I was given. Why couldn’t I do my own thing? After all THEY needed me! My attitude about it was bad but I was put in my place. I was simply told if I felt that way then thanks but no thanks, I wasn’t needed. I would hate to see that whole conversation on a big screen! But oh how God got a hold of me! I am not a teacher and get very nervous when
    asked to do so. But as I sat down to review the lesson I realized how much I needed the lesson too. I had a complete peace wash over me and never once got nervous or have the “dread” feeling come over me. Even on Saturday night at 9:00 p.m. when I realized I had prepared the last weeks lesson and had to COMPLETLY start from scratch to prepare the correct lesson for Sunday morning. Lesson learned….I should have controlled my reaction in the beginning instead of having reaction regret now. An apology going out today! Thanks for posting this!

  55. Charity

    I think #3 really resonates. We tend to forget that we will ALL answer for our words and actions one day. It’s would be wise to remember that in every situation!!

  56. Sheri

    I think, if I had to choose, I would choose question # 3. It has taken some time and a lot of prayer, but I have begun to see where I am at fault and am now starting to see the hurt on the other side. I am so very far from doing this well, but I am striving, with the Lord’s help, to improve. If I could remember how my reactions are seen by the Lord or by others BEFORE I react, I think I would react differently. Thank you, Lysa, for these questions, and for the encouragement to keep trying.

  57. Deb H.

    All 3 are very good to rem. I esp. like the way you described #3.!!
    Now, when the time comes, I hope to rem. at least 1 of them!!!

  58. Jana Baker

    Absolutely “1. What part of this issue can I own and apologize for?” Seems like I heard someone say, “There are three sides to any disagreement – “his” side, “her” side, and God’s side. Plus, even if you don’t feel you did anything wrong, giving up a bit of pride is always the right thing to do. And it (usually) makes the other person feel like you are meeting them half-way or at least SOME of the way.

  59. Cristy Carnes

    The question that really stuck with me the most was “if I knew someone was videotaping my reaction, how would I react?” It really made me think about how I’ve reacted to some things in the past and how i dont want to do that again!

  60. Ivonne Layuno

    Until I read number 3 I never thought about that possibility but it helps me to think before I react because what if my conversations were recorded; I could bet that I would sound like a monster. I would probably surprise myself. Thank you for providing these three questions for us to ask ourselves. You manage to always open my eyes and help me in some very difficult situations. God bless you my friend. Thank you for all you do.

  61. Amanda Harding

    Question number three really resonated with me. Very often, I react and then think, man if so and so saw this I would be so embarrassed. But, the truth is, God sees it all. And I am so often ashamed of the reaction I have. All three questions are good to keep in mind. Conflict is very difficult for me. But, if I can focus my reactions to be God-honoring ones, the conflict resolution will be easier. Thank you for this post.

  62. Belinda Gean

    #3. God is always watching and when in these situations we forget that He is always with us. Dealing with teen issues right now and this really was perfect timing. My husband had a coworker reach out to him and this will give him a new a bright perspective.

  63. Angie Swanbeck

    Number 1
    I totally have problems with seeing what part of the problem I can take accountability for. Apologies come hard with me, especially with my husband. I want to change that part about me in a big way.

  64. Monica Tidyman

    Each of those scriptures really spoke to my heart. I need to be kind no matter how I feel. My feelings should not dictate my actions. Thank you!

  65. Tammie Welker

    Philippians 4:5 “Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.”
    Seriously…do I think I am hiding from the Lord like Eve did? As foolish as that is I still catch myself thinking that way…until after the sin. Then the guilt creeps into my head. That is why I am doing the M2C study…to break the cycle. Most of the time it seems easier to react more appropriately to situations in public than in the privacy of my own home. (The ones you love most and are more comfortable with get the ‘real’ you.) My prayer is to memorize this verse and keep it near to my heart so it is on the tip of my tongue before I say or do anything out of anger.
    Thank you, Lysa, for making me think more about God’s word. Your writings are very personal and I know many women (including myself) identify with the situations you address. I’m praying God continues to bless you.

  66. Tonya

    All three are what we should ask all the time, but #3 really resonates with me. My Savior is always watching…..not everybody sees me lose my temper or have a bad attitude about things (some do unfortunately) but Jesus sees all and I need to remember that. How ugly I can be sometimes is definitely not how I want my Jesus to see me. Thank you Lysa for these 3 questions that we need to stop and remember to ask ourselves!

  67. Gayle Morvent

    I need guidence dealing with family drama. My mom is 81 and her memory is slipping but she remembers every thing differently. Also I am one of four girls and every conversation is a competition or their opinion is always is the right decision. I have tried to pick my battles but mostly just walk away. It seems like they take my silence as a sign of weakness. I need your advise, as so many more who deals with this.

  68. Rachel

    2. How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react?

    Wednesday morning I have a meeting with a very difficult person at work and I always find myself to be on the defense and ready to hold my ground determined not to give her the upper hand. But this question is going to make me back down and let God’s peace flow through me.

  69. tanya

    #2 resonated with me because i have a very difficult relationship with my parents and despite every thing I do want to honour them for the fact that they brought me up in a christian home and they are my parents.They do have their good points but its hard to see alot of days when they are not respectful with their attitiude.

  70. Margaret

    Wow, Lysa! My daughter went through something like this not too long ago – I’m forwarding this to her for future reference. Great words of wisdom in this post – thank you!

  71. Sheila Reed

    Wow!! Number 3 hit me!! How would that change how I react to my husband and my children most of all? If others saw our interactions on a big screen – that was a huge “visual” for me!! Thanks so much and I plan to try and put this “visual” into practice with all of my interactions with those I love the most (because unfortunately, those are also the ones I seem to hurt the most). 🙁

  72. Donna

    Thank you for this post. I am in a conflict with someone at work. These questions really helped me.

  73. Michele

    THANK GOD FOR YOU LYSA TERKEURST!! I have never in my life known anyone that has such a wonderful way with words like you do. You hit home with every single one of your posts and it seems like you’re speaking directly to me!! : ) As for your post entitled “3 Questions You Must Ask Before Reacting,” I would have to say that I can relate to Question #1 the best. I, of course, have learned this the hard way because it is so easy to fuel the fire with more “gas” but in the long run everyone on both ends gets burned and the issues are left unresolved. If there is any type of conflict in my life, I lift up a quick prayer to our Heavenly Father asking for guidance and understanding for the other person. Thank you for reminding me of the Proverbs 15:1 verse. I will now memorize it myself and make it a part of my daily prayers! Thank you again for your wisdom and knowledge Lysa. God has truly blessed us with you!! PS – I would really, really, really love a copy of Unglued for more of your godly insight!

  74. Lindi

    Such an awesome writer. I liked 3rd question – our Heavenly Father is always watching me. How embarrassing for him to see me react bad to a friend when were suppose be in his image. Reading made to crave right now and Love it!

  75. Heatherlee

    Wow! I really needed to hear this last night before I became unglued at my husband. Especially since I justified it with “He needs to hear the truth and not dance around the problem anymore.” I really could have told him the same thing, but in a more respectable way.

  76. Melissa

    These are.great tools to use for when I do get into a heated conversation. I always pray if I know something has to be addressed and that usually.tames my tongue

  77. Rose

    Dear Lysa, Your devotional today was so timely. There is a major conflict going on between my son’s girlfriend who is also the mother to my first grandchild. Ever since the child has been born, the only time I am allowed to see her is when I am needed to babysit because of their work schedule. This was happening 2 to 3 times per week and I was delighted to do it for them because I loved spending time with my granddaughter. For a year and a half they both have pulled away from our family and pretty much alienated themselves from our entire extended family even during holidays and special occasions. Last week she blew up at me sending me a text saying I would never be allowed to keep her child again. She got upset because the pack of diaper wipes fell out of the diaper bag when I was carrying the baby and the diaper bag into my home on a windy, stormy night. The next day she called and told me off because she was going to have to go out in the rain to buy more. I was at work and offered to bring her a new pack when I got off but she declined my offer. She immediately followed up with a lengthy text citing 3 things I did wrong when caring for the baby and told me she was through with me and stressing with it. I was shell shocked and could not believe how unreasonable she was being. I did not respond, but instead called my son and read him the text and he said he would call me back but never did. I waited until I could get his undivided attention by going to see him. He told me he did not love her, and definitely did not want to marry her but he felt trapped. He only wants a family so he has been putting up with her for a year and a half. He told me he was afraid of her and admitted they both were involved heavily with drugs and alcohol and other criminal acts. I advised him to get help and offered to help in any way I could to help end this cycle. My son moved back in for a few days trying to withdraw from his drug addiction. He went back to her on the fourth night even though she threatened both of us. Her text message to him said, “If I knew I would not go to jail for it,” I would kill you and your mother. I am so devastated I don’t know what to do. My son told me she wants to apologize for ‘hurting my feelings, but this is so much more than that. I told her I wanted to have the four of us to sit down and talk, but she said it was just between me and her, and she did not know why my husband and son needed to be involved. She said I was making a big deal out of it. Lysa, I am begging for your advice and biblical counseling. I don’t know where to turn or what steps to take, but I fear for my son, my granddaughter, and ultimately myself. This is not normal behavior and I don’t know how to handle any of it. Please respond to this. I am desperate for a solution to this. Your sister in the Lord

  78. Lisa

    Such a great posting! I struggle with my reactions to family every day and I have a long way to go! #3 resonates with me the most because I tend to be an “exploder” and then later think wow, I’m sure I looked and sounded out of my mind and am embarrassed I didn’t handle things better and feel terrible that I treated a loved one the way I did!

  79. Bonnie Holmes

    Oh boy, they are all hard but the second one really hit home. I was trying to figure out a way to put this in words my 11 year old son would understand. It would really help with his anger.

  80. Tristina Senter

    I have spent the last few years making life changes. I changed jobs had a child and now I am working on my military job change. These last few years have been years of finding balance. I am almost there and in that search for balance I have had many conflicts with family and friends and bosses. I find that looking at my role in the situation and what I can apologize for makes me realize I am human and make mistakes just like the other person. We all need to have a kinder heart. My key is to take a step back before the situation escalates.

  81. Anna

    Wow. Well #1 is for me…I had a phone call with the same feeling of not wanting to answer, but I prayed for the Lord to just help me thru. The person I was talking too was obviously frustrated, she was just spilling it all and I tried so hard to calm her, give her scripture, ask questions, and I was just making things worse. She finally told me to be quiet so she could talk, I truly had to pray, because I started to feel angry Proverb 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord…… brought me through this one. The call ended on a good note. I shared what happened with a friend and she said, this person just wanted you to listen. And I just had to realize that, and not try to fix things…. I text her later and ask for forgiveness for adding to her frustration. and she replied with a Thank You. I just felt so anxious, but the Lord gave me strength, grace and because I love this person I was able to control myself with God’s love….
    Thank You Lysa, your amazing and so encourage and inspire me. This devotional is a confirmation to me that God is so in control of all.
    God Bless You, Anna

  82. Carletta K. Stevenson

    The question that I most identified with is, “If I knew this conversation was being video taped and then shown to people I greatly respect, how would this change my reaction?” I would be mortified if some of my reactions would have been seen by anyone that I respect. I’m in a situation right now that has me angry and deeply hurt, but I am trying hard to take the “high road” and keep calm. I realize that reacting to someone who has angered or hurt you in an emotional way gives them control over you. This only makes the situation worse. For me, I am quietly walking away from the situation and praying to God for the strength to get through this.

  83. Edith

    Question #1 gave me the most to think about for a personal reason. My daughter-in-law and I have not had a good relationship since we have known one another. At first, I just thought her lack of interaction was due to her being shy. As the years have passed, though, our relationship has become more strained to the point that when we are together, the only time she speaks to me is when I ask her a question that calls for a response. Her answers are brief and the dialogue never has a chance. Recently, I have felt God speaking to my heart to do something about it. Several months ago, I asked her to meet with me so that we could talk and maybe begin to open the lins of communication between us. She made an excuse and never mentioned it again. My son says she feels that I have hurt her feelings many times, and he would try to smooth it over with her by telling her he would talk to me about it, but never did. Clearly, I have hurt her without even realizing it, and I believe if she could have the opportunity to tell me about it and have me respond in love rather than being defensive, we could begin the process of tearing down some walls. She is a loving wife to my son, and he loves her dearly. She is also a very devoted mother to my grandson. I would love to have the opportunity to tell her how much I admire her for that, and for the good qualities that I see in her. In order to do that, I have to be willing to take responsibility for my role in the troubled relationship. I have talked to my son about it, and he has agreed to try to arrange a meeting. Please pray that this relationship can be mended. I want her to know the love I have for her!

  84. Beth Carlson

    All three questions make complete sense to me. And sometimes I actually do use them when I have conflict. 🙂 It is hard when you get “caught up” in the moment. Sometimes it is like an out of body experience. One other thing that I try to remember is how important will this be in 5 years. If it won’t be that important then – it probably is not that important now.

  85. Sharon

    2. How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react?
    I know hurt people hurt people….this resonates within my relationship with my mother! I have been struggling with this very issue for a long time, feeling God tugging at my heart to not sweep it under a rug any longer! I just opened up about this very issue just last night in my Bible study, and then see this blog post this morning – God and his timing!!! I would love to read your book Unglued so that I might have more insight on how to lovingly deal with this situation. It is toxic and I can’t continue on pretending like nothing is wrong between my mom and I. Praying God will continue to work on me and my heart…so that I may see my role in all of this.

  86. Kathie

    Actually all three as I have ongoing conflicts right now! Thank you, Lysa!

  87. Sharon

    #3 for sure! Wow! I’ll be keeping that in mind from now on.

  88. Joanne

    Wow!! This whole message resonated strong with me! I think #3 especially. If my conversation was recorded & people I care about were to see it… and then to remember that Jesus sees all for He is near! Wow!! This really makes me think… struggling often with my 8 year old daughter’s personality is so much like mine & we clash at times. I really want to apply all three of these questions every time I face conflict with her. I love her so much and pray I can make her feel loved and special!
    Thank you Lysa for posting this today!

  89. Stacie

    Number 1… I have a difficult time apologizing because I don’t feel like I am fighting… I feel like I have to make sure he understands me, so defending the issue at hand. Also, number 2. When a heightened discussion begins, I find myself yelling back and treating my husband the way he’s treating me. He has an issue with rage, so it is difficult at times to sit back and take it… I just want to say ugly things right back. The last time it happened, I just kept my cool and left the house. It certainly didn’t solve anything, but it did allow me not to react back disrespectfully or in a way that I would be ashamed of myself, GOD wouldn’t be dissapointed in me, and others.

  90. Julie Sunne

    Number 3, wow, how awful that would be! Need to recite that before my every reaction.

  91. Lisa Davis

    Question #2. How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react?

    I usually only try to prove that I am right and they are wrong. And I normally don’t think about their feelings or how they will react. I think if I was to ask this question first, I would be able to respond in a more Christ like manner and come through the situation on a positive note.

  92. Rachel Q

    #2- honoring them despite their reaction. I have learned as I listen and ask the Holy Spirit to listen beyond what my natural ears are hearing then I see more their perspective. And when I can see more their point of view we communicate in a better way.

  93. Rebekah

    The one that resonates with me most is how can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react? I want to be the person looking to solve problems so I can become more like Jesus, not for personal temporary happiness or momentary peace. Those things are a natural byproduct of becoming more like Jesus, not something that comes bc I control situations.

  94. Heather

    Oh boy…I needed this today! Just last night I had a rare strong reaction that I am not proud of. All of these questions are important and good reminders. I think #3 resonates the most today because I too would be ashamed if anyone else saw…but my Jesus saw and that’s the most important. Thank you for these key things to remember in the heat of the moment.

  95. Audrey Lehman

    All three resonated with me because, I’m constantly caught up in situations where people take advantage of my nature to help. However when I find out they have disrepected my status as overworked, disabled and have a heart easily sympathetic to others, I become angry because they knowingly used my time and energy which is so limited because of my disability. I must learn to discern who really has needs so that I don’t feel used and angry. Plus I know the Enemy has caught me in his snare yet again. That angers me more than anything else.

  96. Lisa Chapman

    I like question #1. When we ‘own’ our part, it often helps the other person to not be so defensive. They see that we are willing to look at things from their point of view. Difficult sometimes? Yes! Impossible? No!
    I also love the phrase…..”Hurt people, hurt people.” So true!!

  97. Brielle

    #1 for sure! There are examples after examples of how I am so quick to point the finger-usually at my husband. Try as I may, I can’t seem to find where I was “wrong” . I have earnestly had to seek the Lord to show me and help me swallow my pride to ask for forgiveness. Hes been happy to show me that even ifthe ssource of the conflict isnt always-although sometimes it IS- my reaction is usually ALWAYS wrong. With a type A/perfectionist personality type…this has been a great battle for me that daily I am fighting, but God’s been faithful and I am making progress. Thank you for sharing this!!!

  98. Joe K

    To think that my responses might be video-taped…YIKES! But you’re right…someone IS always watching…namely, my children. Thanks for this giveaway.

  99. Laura

    My husband bursts out in subtle and not so subtle ways. Last night I burst back. Today I feel terrible. This has been going on with our kids and in my marriage for 22.5 years. At times I’ve considered leaving, most times I recommit myself to making it work for my kids to have 2 parents. He just lost his job, so things are emotional for all. Thanks for these words as reminders. I needed to hear them today. God bless your ministry.

  100. Christine

    3 without a doubt speaks to me the most! If I only took the time to think of that before I reacted how I hope I would be a better reactor or responder! Would love love love a copy of Unglued!

  101. Brook

    Well, they all ring true for me, but probably the one I most need to work on is number 2!

  102. Yudit

    Lisa, thanks so much for this reminder. Although I’m reading your book, this week I’m going through those UNGLU moments. Please pray I finish reading the book and be free from these UNGLU emotions.

  103. M L

    The third question resonates most with me, “If I knew this conversation was being video taped and then shown to people I greatly respect, how would this change my reaction?”

    I recently took a picture originally belonging to my late husband in to have some simple restoration work done on it. After picking it up and hanging it, I noticed that the inside glass had not been properly cleaned. I hadn’t noticed this prior to leaving the store. When returning it, I was told it would take about ten minutes to clean and therefore decided to wait. Once the work was done, and upon a more thorough examination this time before leaving the store, I noticed a scratch on the glass that wasn’t there when I brought it in. When discussing with the woman who had done the work, she stated she had noticed the scratch prior to taking it back to clean and began to quote me a price for replacement glass. There was no scratch until after the woman took the picture from me.

    I’m now getting angry and frustrated that not only did I have to return to get something done right, I have to deal with this woman who is lying, something I despise, and that something I thought would be easily handled has resulted in the dilemma I am now facing. Eventually a supervisor is enlisted to settle our disagreement. As my frustration and anger mounts, I say over and over and over to the Lord, “Let me behave in a Christ-like manner.” And this is why this question and associated comments resonates most with me. I knew the Lord was watching and testing me, and I knew that to pass the test, I needed His help, because everything in me wanted to be ugly.

    Good news is the conflict was settled and I did not have to pay for replacement glass. And as I turned to leave, there was a military man there who had heard everything. I remember feeling so very thankful that through the Lord’s strength I was able to respond in a way I did not regret.

    • Lynn

      The third question makes me think of what the answer would look like to me and would I want to see myself in that situation. Also how am I showing others the right way to do things The way of God or the way of the world ?

    • Mary

      The comment about bring videotaped. I have had 2 issues at work this week that I thought nothing of because of course I was right. But when I read that question and thought I am ashamed of myself, embarrassed and am on my knees now about to ask god to forgive me and hopefully they will forgive me to. I have to remember I don’t have to be right to everybody, God knows and that’s all that matters!! Thank you Lisa I needed that !!!

    • Mary

      The comment about bring videotaped. I have had 2 issues at work this week that I thought nothing of because of course I was right. But when I read that question and thought I am ashamed of myself, embarrassed and am on my knees now about to ask god to forgive me and hopefully they will forgive me to. I have to remember I don’t have to be right to everybody, vGod knows and that’s all that matters!! Thank you Lisa I needed that !!!

    • Ronda

      I need to remember there are two sides to any issue. I need to own my part and (gulp) apologize. I need to stay calm and remember that a soft answer turns away wrath. Obviously, question #1 spoke loudly to me!

    • Niki Wright

      Question #2 resonated in me the most. I have been concentrating on Integrity & reactions/response to others. It was right on time for me.

  104. Suzanne R.

    I love your book, Lysa, but I gave mine away to a co-worker before I was able to finish it.
    This is such a good topic, and one that I need help with!

  105. Char Kenemy

    All of these questions are fabulous but I’d say the one that stuck out to me the most was #2. I so often forget that, in particular, my husband and I are on the same team and he isn’t opposing me. I may FEEL like he is, but he’s doing his best and I don’t need to harden my heart to him and protect myself. If I remain soft in my heart, it makes all the difference.

    I haven’t read your book yet, but it’s on my list as I think I could really benefit from your wisdom and your journey with managing emotions!

    • Alicia Lasher

      I am in the same boat as Char, #2 resonates the most with me. Like Char, especially when it involves my husband. I need to really study my Bible on this subject. I need all of the resources I can get. I have been listening to Joyce Meyer and Joel Osteen podcasts which have been very helpful. I pray for my husband, marriage, children and family as a whole every day; but most importantly I pray for the Lord to help me and change me every day.

  106. Jo Rydman

    Oh, Lysa – what a good list to use to evaluate our responses. I had a recent situation where it took all that was in me (and much prayer-in-the-moment) to respond in the best way possible, which at that moment was very little response. It would not have been heard anyway. And then to react as positively as possible, apologizing for my unintended, yet offensive behavior; and leave the rest to the Lord. You’re so right – He is our audience, and so were my co-workers for that specific instance. And He uses these types of situations to mold us and use us for His glory. The situation has not been resolved – and it may never be – but it’s all in His Hands, Having followed His leading to do my part, I can only pray for the one I offended. Thank you for again sharing the truth in this post, and helping me define this encounter and my response to it. May God continue to lead you in sharing with us all!

  107. Heather

    Boy, do I need help with this one! #3 really struck a cord with me. You’ve also led me to memorize Proverbs 15:1. Such a meaningful topic that I believe everyone can relate to.

  108. Grace

    I am on my second reading of Unglued and have found it to be most helpful and very enlightening. It has helped me see the harm caused by exploding and stuffing.
    The question that resonates with me is #2. I have found it very necessary to make the effort to soften my heart when any conflict arises between me and my youngest daughter she suffered much abuse from her husband and I know sometimes the anger she feels is not so much directed at me as it is toward him.

  109. Kelly

    Question # 3 hit me like a ton of bricks; if I keep question #3 at the forefront of my mind and react like someone is watching, then (hopefully) #1 & 2 will fall into place and my reaction will be a more gracious reaction.

  110. Sherri

    Question #3 — Wow, that will make you think! We should remember that God is watching us at all times, no matter if others are or not.

  111. brenda

    #2 about trying to understand their hurt is helpful for me. too often I hear and see from my own point of view and seem to neglect to incorporate what their side/view/circumstances might be. my daughter has told me to “assume positive intent”, tho i’m not always successful with it. another thought along the same lines is to seek first to understand then to be understood. all of these seem to speak to me that I need to get my thoughts off myself and about others; to widen my scope to take in a bigger picture. thanks for the post – helpful!

    • Debbie

      Thank you Brenda!
      “Seek first to understand then to be understood.” That hit the nail on the head for me! I am always thinking that the other person should understand ME and what I’m dealing with, thereby feeling hurt, angry, etc. Though by God’s grace I am making progress with this, just that saying itself is going be a wonderful reminder to help me further! 🙂

  112. Kathleen

    All three questions are great to ponder. I think the third one really makes me think how I will try to handle conflicts in the future. As one person already stated, God hears and knows everything anyway. Lysa, thanks for sharing so open and honestly with all of us.

  113. Patti

    Wow, you know without a doubt that God is at work when things happen that are spot-on what you are dealing with at the moment. The timing of this post is evidence. I have a family issue happening right now that I could have written your intro. Question 2 speaks to my heart. There is alot of anger and resentment on both sides, but I know that the hurt is deep and even if there is ultimately no reconciliation, I don’t want this family member to live with that hurt. I know this cannot possibly be resolved without God’s intervention, and my prayer is that I will be able to do what God calls me to do – however hard this will be.

  114. Debbie

    All three questions are so important, and by God’s grace I have made some progress in questions 1 and 2. But I have to say question 3 resonated the most with me. Not only the thought of people I respect seeing a video, but seeing it back MYSELF would most definitely lead to some “reaction regret” in the long – long term!!!

  115. Loresa

    WOW, all three I needed! Prov15:1 and to go along with that Prov 25:15 talks about a soft answer turning away the other persons wrath. I’ve actually seen this in action! It is amazing!!! Do I follow that example NO! I’m ashamed to admit. I usually if not always answer anger with my own harsh anger 🙁 like I’m sitting on the ready, I don’t know why I hurt the ones I love most but I do. God forgive me. I’ve written on a post it note “let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.” Philippians 4:5 so I can read it daily. I’m so angry!!! God I give this anger to you, please take it far from me. In Jesus’ Name Amen.

  116. Debbie

    #3 resonates with me the most. Hate that “reaction regret” . I act to fast and do not give my emotions time to settle before making sure everyone knows exactly how I feel.

  117. Rachel C

    Well, the whole post resonated with me because I was just discussing a situation in my life with her regarding how to handle a problem I have with a family member. However, since the family member is my mom, the 2nd question really rings to my heart. I struggle with reacting to her and not showing her the honor we are told to have for our parents. Additionally, I know my kids will treat me the way they see me treat my mom. I will print this article and write down the questions, so that I can be more proactive with my reactions (with all conversations, I have). Thank you, Lysa, for another awesome and much needed devotional.

  118. Kim Campbell

    As a Biblical Counselor these 3 questions are paramount when entering any type of conflict.
    The playing of the video is the part that really struck me hard. Do I want others seeing me responding from a place that is hateful and hurtful. NO I don’t! The fact that Jesus doesn’t need a video because he is right there watching stops my heart! It actually breaks my heart.
    Thank you so much for writing about this issue. Thank you also for reminding me to put aside my anger and hurt so that I can focus on the other person and respond to them in love. That is how Christ would want me to respond.

  119. Mariko

    #3 really stuck with me. It reminds me to take some time before reacting to harshly.

  120. Funmi Peters

    I know we have go pass the hurt, forgive, forget and move on, but how about every time you extend the hand of fellowship to this relative, you get burnt. What do you do? I have decided to live my life in my best ability to serve my Lord and hope one day this person will come to realization of the real sense of Christ.

  121. Jan

    Question #3 resonates the most with me. The thought of having to take ownership of an ungodly reaction–with no way out–is humbling to me. Asking myself this question before reacting in a way I’ll later regret, is a perfect way to make myself stop and think before reacting. Hopefully, then, my reaction will become an appropriate response. Thank you so much for this article. It’s perfect for me!

  122. Meg Wiles

    All 3 questions resonate, but question #3 gets me out of my head, so to think -out of reaction mode and into action mode.

  123. Laura

    I have dealt with all three. We became aware of sexual abuse in our family and some thought we should leave it in the closet hidden. That that was Christlike love. I know from experience that it was not love. It has separated our family and i am an outcast from two siblings. Your book would be very good to read
    Thank you

  124. Liz Rahn

    I am leaving my comment on the ” three questions you must ask before reacting”
    I am trying to do better as well and I have to agree with the first question. I found it very interesting that proverbs 15:1 was brought up. I definitely refer to that and try to memorize as well.
    I found question two very insightful and helpful with softening my heart during these heated times of conversation. The scripture reference was and I’m sure, will be, a great help. I just wanted to voice a “Thank You Lisa” for sharing the wisdom and knowledge about these things and how to deal with them as a Proverbs 31 women should.

  125. Rachel Anna

    I definitely connect with the third question. Too often, I say something and reflect on it later with the thought that if I could see myself and hear myself in that moment, I would be so ashamed. I really need to practice thinking about that before I open my mouth.

  126. Micah

    The third question resonated with me the most. So many times I’ve had a conflict, especially with my household (husband and daughter) that when I look back in retorspect, my reactions at times were just plain ugly. I have to admit, there have been times that I’ve been disappointed in myself for my reactions to certain conflicts in situations. I really need start to think about things in more detail before I react to them. Thankfully, reading your blog posts here is really such a help to me.

  127. Ann

    Lysa, all 3 questions are good questions to ask but question #2 was the most important to me. I had some family members who had hurt me and a few other family members deeply. I had developed a bitterness towards them and I know that it was causing me to have physical issues. I was at a church retreat when The Lord broke through those feelings asking me to look at things from their perspective and the hard times they had been through. It has helped so much.

  128. Kirsten

    I definitely struggle the most with question 2. I can remain calm as long as the other person is acting reasonably, even if we completely disagree. But if they react in an ugly way, it is so hard for me to be understanding and show grace and honor to them.

  129. Katie

    I would say questions 1 and 3 resonate the most with me. I take time to apologize and as much as I hate to admit it, I would act a lot differently if I knew others would see my actions. This is such a good list that could definitely save some conflict between my husband and I. 🙂

  130. Shannon

    The third question really got to me….ugh….sometimes I’m really ashamed of my reactions.

  131. Rebecca

    Whe all three resonate with me, the part that hit home the most is that Jesus sees how respond in every situation. I want to live a life that reflects the love of Jesus, to react badly does just the opposite. Thank you for posting this. I need your book “Unglued”!

  132. Sharon Newburn

    #2 I’m trusting that more and more I can see people as Jesus does and then I’ll react differently.

  133. Lori Hickey

    I struggle with all 3 of these questions however, number 2 stands out more to me.
    Anger is ugly! No other word to describe it! Its your emotional light going off telling you something is wrong! It could be hurt, agitated, frustration, wronged or rejected but something isn’t right.

    Then I have to remind myself that Paul says, “In your anger, do not sin.” Eph 4:26
    Really!! then this verse comes to mind………..

    Psalms 37:8
    “Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret; it leads only to evil.”

    If you really think about the short term versus the long term it really comes down to the way we RESPOND versus the way we REACT!
    For me this is such a struggle! Maybe instead of reacting in a negative way, I could respond in a positive way!
    Boy, I’ m so glad, He’s the Potter and I’m just the clay! Amen 🙂

  134. Becky

    So so good. I read Unglued over Christmas and it will be a book I return to regularly! I’ve thought a lot about “the underbelly” of others. It has been a beautiful picture for me. Also, the idea of imperfect progress has been a game changer for me!! It’s even helping me with weight loss and food issues I’ve been dealing with since childhood (I’m now 37). Thank you for your ministry! It’s changing me. Thanks for following Gods leading and writing Unglued and Made to Crave! I’ve not yet read your others ( and I’m only part way through MTC) but I so look forward to them!

  135. Angie

    #3. Because I tend to be preformance based… Ugh!

  136. Nancy Vanorden

    I struggle with all 3 of these. I tend to get angry very easily.

  137. Nancy

    Question 2 really made me think. To me, 1 and 3 are much easier!

  138. krista

    Number 2 resonates for me. I’m trying to learn to be kind even when others aren’t kind to me. It’s hard

  139. Brandi

    The third question was the one that got my attention. If I am choosing to live so that others can see God through me, then I should uphold myself so that if I were in a situation that I would react so that others could see him working through me!

  140. Jamie Olson

    Loved the thoughts in this post, they all are things I need to work on. #3 really stood out to me the most.

  141. Karen Goins

    Truth is we have probably all felt the same way. Our tounge goes in gear before our ears open to listen to how The Lord is telling us to react. And yes we don’t have any idea what is going on with the person on the other side of the conversation. Oh Lord hold my tounge while my ears listen for your wisdom.

  142. Jenn

    The third question made the biggest impact on me. I would hate to see what I look like or sound like when I get “reactive” or “defensive” over something so small. My husband often says “if I could just record you . . .”

  143. Sara

    thank you for sharing these thoughts… I find myself struggling many times with how to address conflict in a God honoring manner and I think these questions are a great filter for the words that I speak. Praying God will continue to show you, and all of us reading this, how to handle conflict in a Godly manner 🙂

  144. Holly

    I think the first few words set the tone…..but there is no easy way to deal with conflict…particularly difficult is when you need to tell someone they hurt you and they take no ownership and make excuses and then the bonus they point out the flaws in you…I say this because this was a recent experience…it is really difficult to remain calm!!! That interaction has colored my view going forward and yet the other party may not even recognize that their lack of contrition affects our relationship going forward! so my question….how can you move forward in a relationship when there are seemingly unresolvable issues?

  145. Cheryl Martin

    I prayed for an answer today….I received this….thank you

  146. Kim

    #2 although all three definitely hit home. I have found that this definitely helps me keep the situation from escalating

  147. Diane

    All 3 questions were good, but # 3 hit home. Home is where I am more likely to lose it. If I were being video taped, my behavior with my family would surely be more in tune with Gal. 5:22.

  148. Kori S

    #2. This would help me put myself in the other person’s place. Thus enabling me to not make it all about me. God does this for me all the time. I could use Grace. This would make Him more evident to the people in my life.

  149. Jennifer

    WOW – It appears that #3 gets the attention of most of us.. myself included. As a new mom I am always thinking about things I will want to do better to show my daughter “how to treat people” — I don’t do such a great job at work sometimes with this poor reaction… I agree with Loresa I need to write Philippians 4:5 on my computer at work when I get in tomorrow… such a great verse to keep in mind and help me be more kind to others.

  150. Deborah

    #3. Just picturing how my children would react upon seeing me in an Unglued moment would be reason enough to take a moment to “check myself before I wreck myself!”

  151. Celaine

    The third question was a big red flag to me, if the way I act some times was shown to my family or to God I would be so ashamed and yes you would have to call 911. I need to remember that God is with me at all times and sees all. This is something I really need to work on.

  152. Tracie

    #1 for me, as I find it so difficult to humble myself especially when I feel so passionate about a situation.

  153. Susan

    Definitely #3 I used to tell my daughter when she was a pre-teen and “MySpace” was the cool thing to do. Please think about every word you put in there and would you want the entire church to see it on the big screen on Sunday morning? She is 19 now and she has remained drama free from social media (so far) PTL. Unfortunately, we no longer have a church home but when I am alone in bed or driving I think about my actions throughout the day and would The Lord be pleased, would my parents in heaven be pleased. I am ashamed to say that I fall short everyday but I strive to do something better everyday. Temptation is so great-to gossip,etc. I pray I can get out of that situation. I

  154. Lindsey

    #2 #2!!! I needed to hear this specifically tonight!! I have been so frustrated with one person…not really willing to be compassionate towards them…but this really hit home…kinda punched me in the face actually :)…I’m working on it now!!

  155. Kim

    All three are great but it’s #3 for me too. Sometimes I think I react in one way but come across in a different way. This will help me stop and think the next time and really pay attention to my tone:)

  156. Sally

    #2, Hurt people hurt people….if I can just remember this, maybe I won’t take rude comments and untrue accusations made by my ex personally. After all, God knows who I am, I know who I am, and those close to me do too.

  157. Tonya G.

    Really could have used this information a couple of years ago. Went through a huge conflict and was completely unprepared.

  158. Christina

    I struggle with question 1 & 2 but especially question one. I usually want to prove why I’m right, and my prideful self does not want to apologize for the wrong that I’ve done. While I still struggle with this, God has humbled me into realizing that it takes two to create a conflict and admitting that I’m wrong is not a sign of weakness. It is God’s power at work within me, making me more like Him! Praise God!

  159. Dawn

    My mom always asked us ” what did you fo “? First !! So that helps me always look at myself BUT the #2..WOW… How do I soften my heart toward the person to honor them despite how they react…. POWERFUL!! I don’t want to forget this!!! Thank you!!

  160. Danielle

    #2… Honoring a person you are at odds with is so difficult, but it’s a big step in humbling yourself, making yourself small and living up to Jesus’s command to love your neighbor.

  161. Angela Castro

    All of this popped out at me, maybe since I’ve been having similar issues at work, but I think if I put #3 into practice then I might see some different results. Even though I do not try to act different behind closed doors, there are some things that really seem to push my buttons and get me fired up where it seems impossible to forgive and love the one that is throwing me under the bus! So tomorrow, I will take this advice with me, thank you!!

  162. Lisa

    Question 2. Especially since I have 2 girls in college. I must remember to think how and where they are coming from. Also, working in the public school system. Sometimes children can really push you. Thinking about their situation can really change my reaction in those situations.

  163. Lindsey

    #2 #2!!! I needed to hear this specifically tonight!! I have been so frustrated with one person…not really willing to be compassionate towards them…but this really hit home…kinda punched me in the face actually 🙂

  164. CB

    #2…I recently was hurt deeply by someone I trusted completely. Your post on FaceBook seemed to always come just when I needed it most. It was huge when I let myself get past my own pain and realize what the other person had been going through. I can’t say the pain has gone away but it definitely made it possible to show grace. I would really love to read your book. Thanks so much for post.

  165. Bobbi Keefer

    #3 resonated with me most. It has taken me many years of prayer and self control to control what comes out of my mouth. One way I do this is of course to stop and think before I speak whenever possible, but also taking into consideration how I sound to others and how they will perceive my message and thoughts. If I knew I was going to be recorded and analyzed by those that mean most in my life (as well as those have have yet to encounter) there’s no question my words and thoughts would be carefully chosen. This could be life changing. Not only to me but to my husband and children most of all. This is a concept I will not soon forget.

  166. Peggy

    All three questions actually got my attention. Each is meaningful to me right now as I deal with a family conflict situation. After reading this, I am committed to using them all all if/when I have a contact from this family member again. She is full of anger, but these three questions will definitely help me respond to her better. Even though I feel all three are important, I agree with many others that the third one struck the chord the hardest! You are right that if we stopped to think about someone watching us and what we communication through our “reactions” we might handle things differently. Also, my situation is one where “professionals” have been called in for several years for the the other person. But I can still recognize and “own” whatever part I play in ongoing conflict. Anyway, I think these three questions are all good no matter how serious things are. I will think back to them and put them in play if I am given the opportunity again in this one situation, and I will also keep them in mind for any conflict situation.

  167. Linda Capen

    #3 because it REALLY makes you think about how you’ll appear…looks at yourself more objectively because of it.

  168. Michelle Litle

    Question 3: What if I was video taped? And to remember that Jesus is always with us and watching us.

  169. Christy Welborn

    #3 hit me hard. My 22 yr. old son and I had a pretty bad argument tonight. I’ve always said to cool off, choose your words carefully because once hurtful words are spoken, no matter how hard you try, you can’t erase them from a persons mind. Pretty ashamed of the way I acted. I let Satan temp me into thinking if I just got it off my chest I would feel much better. Well it didn’t! I would have died if even my closest of friends had seen me. Sadly it was my son.

  170. Tammy

    These are 3 very powerful questions but the first one hit me hard. Personally, I seem to always find myself being defensive. No conflict can ever exist without at least 2 people being involved. It’s easy to see and point out what someone else has done but if I can stop and examine myself first, honestly take a look at how I have made this situation worse or kept the drama going then and only then can I take ownership of my faults. If I look to own up to my portion of the problem, it really shouldn’t matter if the other party does. Once I’ve made it right on my side and worked out my short comings with my Savior, I can rest knowing that I have done what He ask of me. As a follower of Christ, I need to “own up”, not “cover up” my sin.

  171. jennifer reinert

    What part of this issue can I own and apologize for? To become Unglued is to humble yourself and put others before yourself. I desire to read your book because I enjoy your blogs. I pray the Lord may bless me because I am so glued and I react poorly.

  172. Kim H

    Lysa,your posts always touch my heart and speak to my soul.I would pick #3 because if I knew I was being recorded I feel it would make me look at #1 & 2 inside myself before I blurted out my first emotional response.Maybe that would be coming from my ego at first so I wouldn’t sound like a fool but the end result would be much more considerate and thoughtful and compassionate.All the things I would want to get from someone else.

  173. melissa

    As a pediatric nurse I deal with frustrated parents every day. …. its good to have a reminder that how I respond to their frustration can impact the outcome of the situation. Sometimes I need to view their request as a nurse AND as a mom. Thanks for the reminder!

  174. Stephenie

    The second question stuck with me the most. I’m working on learning how to have a discussion in a situation instead of a reaction. Your post is very timely.

  175. Rosemary Gonyaw

    The first question really made me stop. When I can stop and think of which part of the conflict I own, then no. 2 always comes into play.

  176. Kelly

    All three questions are great! I can’t narrow it down to just one.

  177. Rachel

    Wow. That was really good. Nice points to consider. #2 Got me the most because it would be the hardest for me. It is so hard for me to honor someone when there is an issue going on between the two of us.

  178. Hayley

    Really, all of them. I’m in the middle of raising a blended family and co patenting on each side. It is so hard when bitterness abounds, I needed to read this. Thank you.

  179. Angie

    #3 definitely. We are in a rough situation at work. My reactions have definitely not been Christ like. Thank you for pointing out not only are my peers watching but God is clearly there too. Thank you for making me be more mindful of my reactions.

  180. Amie

    The 3rd comment. I had a Youth Pastor tell us once that Judgement Day would be like watching your life on Video Tape with God. Oh Heaven help me! And He will, but yes, this one sticks the most.

  181. Anne E

    2. How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react?

    This question resonated closest with me because I just had a huge argument with a family member tonight. This family member has suffered depression for over 40 years but refuses to acknowledge her illness or seek treatment for it. As a result she continues to alienate family and friends alike. Tonight while she began a familiar rant, revisiting old pain (real and imagined) and rehashing old hurts (real and imagined), I realized that I have passively listened to her do this since I was a small child, too young to bear her adult burdens. Through the years at various times I have tried to establish my boundaries with this individual and to assert my need to not be part of these venom fests, and each time I calmly request that she stop involving me, she goes ballistic and attacks me, accusing me of not caring and of being worthless. While it’s important to me to be obedient to God and honor this individual, I’m struggling with softening my heart yet again, because right now all I want to do is have a good old-fashioned girl cry and then shut down, close up the doors of my heart and put her in time-out until she can behave. It’s only through the power of Christ that I will be able to soften my heart and rely on His compassion for her – and for me – to honor this person in spite of her spite.

  182. I G

    They all spoke to me, but #1 really challenged me to put this into action. In every conflict both people play a part, and there will be some aspect that I can apologize for.

  183. Crystal

    My husband has been suffering through….no, IN depression since his fathers suicide 18 months ago. Watching him hurt and pull away from us, me and God in particular has been gut wrenching to watch. Needless to say, I am totally unglued at times. So thinking before I react has definitely become a common practice for me, although I have a long way to go. Thank you for the help!

  184. Nancy

    #3 for sure. Wow, that would be embarrassing. It IS embarrassing, and reminds us that our actions and reactions are being viewed by the One who matters the most.

  185. Lee

    Definitely #2 – soo good! Wish I had seen this sooner in life – such sound advice. Collectively, I would say this is such a great reminder about how it is never between them anyway – just ourselves & Him. Thank you for writing & sharing the way you do – never doubt your work. You are a beacon of His light!

  186. Jon

    Question #2 really Really REALLY resonated with me. Time to go pray over it, so I can answer it in my own life. Thank you for your transparency.

  187. Shelly Smith Lohman

    Question 2 really convicted me. I have a hard time being gentle at any time but when in a conflict I don’t often seek to honor the other person. I try to see their side but even when I do the gentleness & honor don’t come out like they should

  188. Tami L Hughes

    Question 3 resonated with me. If I knew the conversation was being videotaped and shown to those I respected, I feel Sure that I would react differently to a conflict if I thought this would happen. I struggle so much with conflict because I was raised in a difficult home and I was bullied as a child. But thanks to Jesus I can learn from my past hurts and try to do better each time going forward. I Love your devotionals and I am blessed to get to read your encouraging words. Thank you. And I would LOVE to win a copy of this book.

  189. Kristi F.

    #2 I have learned in certain situations that it is best to keep my comments to myself and say very little to some people who don’t listen to reason. I stated the problem and then moved on. Many people love to fight about situations and go in circles forever without ever changing the outcome. Walking away from some friendships is necessary when the other person makes less than desirable choices that hurt others. Pray for those people but there is no reason to be sucked in and kept in the middle of their chaos.

  190. Gloria Velez

    # 1
    But all three are important

  191. Christa Gardner

    2. How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react?

    This one is the one that I struggle with the most. I always feel “justified” in my responses, and even upon reflection, I have a hard time softening my heart towards the other person. This is a HUGE struggle for me!!

  192. Alexis Witthoeft

    Question 3 was most helpful. I know that I am capable of one and two but my emotions get the best of me anyway. Thinking that I am being watched and scrutinized will always have me perform better. Jesus is always watching


    There are 2 questions that make me stop before reacting: What Can I own and apologize for? And What would people think If they could See my reaction, or how would I respond If I saw The reaction On videotape?

  194. Frances

    Lysa they All hit home, but especially #3. That one got me! Thank you for your honesty. I’ve been struggling with bitterness & anger for a number of years, knowing full well I’m not the judge, only God is. Still, I’ve tried to justify my feelings & attitude but I can’t. Your book, blog, FB posts, are all such an encouragement for me to lean on Jesus & STOLL

  195. Brandy hill

    Number 1 question was answered for me. And I’m going to aply it to my life. But all of them I think I can aply them in it. And I thank God you showed it to me. God Bless sis

  196. Monique

    Great and challenging word today! I so often fail at all 3 questions when dealing with conflict but most assuredly #2!! Thank you for being so transparent and for letting us all know we are not alone in our struggles! You are truly a blessing!!

  197. Holly

    Question 3 made me think about a current situation at work and how I have been reacting. My reaction at home about that situation isn’t helping things at work. I need to learn how not to vent to people not involved. It’s making me relive it several times a day and that can’t be healthy.

  198. Jennifer Barrett

    Question #2 really hit a chord with me. I get so wrapped up in my own anger and hurt that I often forget that the person I’m in conflict with has a story as well. I will try to think on that more often.

  199. Michelle


  200. Jenn

    The second question how do I bring honor to this. Whew talk about grace of God and being Jesus in skin. This question hit me in the gut. I need to honor someone I’m in conflict.

  201. Gina McGee

    Question# 3. Now that is really hard to think about in the midst of a conflict, but very important! I shall do my best and remember this question and response as well as the other 2. Thank you!! Gina

  202. Melissa Davidson

    Thank you Lysa, I needed to hear all three but I think God has had #2 on my heart for awhile now, but unfortunately I haven’t been able to do it. No matter how much I pray and prepare myself before I talk to him, I just can’t seem to bring myself to talk normally without hurt and anger. Thank you for the verses to go along with each of these.

  203. Tina

    This is an area I struggle with often. My mouth and temper often take over when I feel disrespected or taken advantage of. Many times I look back and wish I would have kept my mouth closed. I just pray that God will continue to work in my life. I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I look forward to reading your book.

  204. Christie Timmons

    #2 is the question that hits me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been in conflict for over 2 years with someone close to me. I’ve been trying so hard to be positive towards them even though they are negative. It’s tough, but a lot easier if you put your heart and mind into seeing their life through their eyes. I make it a point to pray for them often which also helps me see things in a different light.

  205. Jennifer Jackson

    It is almost a tie with all three of the questions. The first one is probably one that hits me the hardest…. I love people so deeply, and am a person of second chances, but there are a few people I “feel” are trying to manipulate or tick me off, my emotions get raw…. I find it so hard to see their side in those moments… The one good quality about me is that I am quick to say I am sorry, but I seem to have to say sorry way too often…. Anyways, Thanks for being real in your posts. I am a single 29- year- old who is trying to learn all I can about healthy relationships and reactions. God has been amazing in it and I have recently gone deeper in trusting him in areas that I never fully trusted him in before. We all are in this together, and being held accountable is important.

  206. Crystal Caudill

    Question # 3 resonated most with me. Most the time if naturally do 1 & 2 but it is in those heat of the moment times that number 3 will help me. I often think after, what kind of witness was I just now? If I could just train myself to think before I respond, it would make all the difference in my relationships, especially with my son.

  207. Sarah O'Shields

    Both 2 & 3 really struck a chord with me. In working with a food distribution ministry, I’ve really come to realize the plights and journey many folks travel.

    3 really hits me with harsh words with my husband or children who are older. I would be mortified for anyone to witness such! Yet my Heavenly Father witnesses ever word!

  208. Janet

    Too good not to share! #GodlyWisdom

  209. Janiene

    1. What part of this issue can I own and apologize for?

    This is such an awesome question to ask!! Love bears all things, believes all things, endures all things, keeps no record of wrong. I want to have a loving, humble, Christ-like response in conflict and that means owning my part of it.

    I pray I win a book, if not I want to pick one up.

  210. Stephanie T.

    #3 got me. However, all three are very good to keep in mind. Question 3 also shows that I care what others think about me and wanting to keep the “front” that all is well and we are a happy, loving family at all times. That I don’t lose my cool under pressure. I should look at it though as what would Jesus say to me during that moment. He is always there. And how would I like the instant replay my mind does afterwards?
    Lysa, I am very thankful that God has led me to your blog. When I have times of wanting to give up, there is something either from you or the Better Wife that helps me through from a posting on FB, Instagram, or Twitter. Thank you. #grateful

  211. Karen

    The three questions went right to my heart. I am constantly praying on what I can do in my part of a marriage that is struggling. I always tell myself to look in the mirror and ask myself where I need to change. I loved these questions and I am going to write them down and keep them where I can see them as a reminder. Thank you.

  212. Emmalee

    I think the third questions hits me the hardest. Somehow in “my” good times I remember how close my Heavenly Father is but then when the other times come I’m hoping He closes his eyes…

  213. Shawna

    Wow. All three questions really resonate with me…I know I’ll be rehearsing them in my mind when I feel a conflict about to happen. Apologizing for what I can own is a big one for me since I tend to go into conflict always believing I’m completely right (working on that :/) Something I’ve been trying to remind myself of really goes along with #2- usually a conflict is not a direct attack on me even though it feels that way. Thanks, Lysa, for your insight and practical encouragement!

  214. Emmalee

    I think the third questions hits me the hardest. Somehow in my good times I remember how close my Heavenly Father is but then when the other times come I’m hoping He closes his eyes

  215. Teresa

    All 3~ Trying to learn. Have been circling all 3 lately. Living in regret and wondering if it’s too late for redemption. You brought them together. This order has me thinking thru the fight… or flight… or “no, I’m here now just fight!” I was mad at them, now I’m mad at me too and it grows. It’s pattern vs. grace. GIving myself grace and permission to shoot for 1, but if I miss it, to remember it’s not too late to jump in at 2 or even save it at 3 instead of giving up and letting it all go. Maybe living it out now can still be an example to those who have come to expect the worst.

  216. barb

    Needed this today. I struggle with reacting first. I have been having a lot of stress at my work. Especially with my manager. I need to soften my heart so i can bring honor despite her reaction. I’m feeling so isolated and misunderstood at work, I’m feeling very alone. Thank you for this

    • susan

      Try praying for your boss and coworkers. It doesn’t change them but somehow changes how you react to them. Love always improves every situation.. God bless you. I’ve been in your shoes. I promise you prayer helps.

  217. Katie

    #3 makes my face turn red but I need to always remember to react as if Jesus was right there…since he is!

  218. Marsha Bell

    Number 2 struck me… If my heart is softened, then I’m thinking I’ll be humbled enough to follow through on the first question as well, and be enabled to be honest with myself & the one I have issues with, owning up to the plank in my eye, AND still honor the other person by listening, hearing, and hopefully yielding to allow grace to be graceful

  219. Amy V.

    Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.” This was my life yesterday! I had a conflict that could have ended very badly. But, I acted gently and praise God, it turned out very well…lessoned learned!! Thank you for sharing this in your blog and thank goodness for my faithfulness in God!

  220. Brenda Reich

    #3 hit me first. I have 4 young grandchildren living with us along with their parents & catch myself a lot having to bite my tongue, turn away, or walk away. I’m learning to have the right priorities (the Lord’s) not mine and watch what I say or do at all times. Yes it is worth it! I’m allowed to pour into their lives, bless their parents, and learn what God has been teaching me for a lifetime. #1&2 also touched my heart & encouraged me not only at home but also every place I go. Whether shopping going to church at work or especially on the road when I’m alone in my car! Thank you Lisa for your words today and in the past! You are a blessing in my life! Brenda

  221. Nicole Moses

    I think #3 resonated with me- how would my child view me if she saw how I reacted when upset with someone?? And Christ is not glorified when I do not love like He

  222. Brittany

    All of these resonate with me, but I would have to say that question 3 is the biggest eye opener. I find myself sometimes reacting to a situation in ways that later I am ashamed and thankful that there weren’t other individuals there to witness my unchristian-like attitude and actions. Thanks for these wonderful thoughts!

  223. Lisa Rettig

    Oh my, all 3 of these are me, but #3 the most. I can be so opinionated about certain things and I forget to think about how to say something, and sometimes if I should even say it at all. It should tell me something that when I give myself time to deliberate on it I decide not to speak.

  224. shirley haley

    #1 for me. I am the one that dislikes conflict, so I have to work at saying I am sorry instead of trying to change subject or sweep it under the carpet. I am praying that God help me see and understand that some conflict is necessary in this world we live in!

    Thank you Lysa, for being “in my head” daily!

  225. Karen Tabor

    Question #2 – How do I soften my heart after so much hurt and pain. Thanks for your blog.

  226. Norene


  227. Ramona

    My last comment vanished, but I must say #2. Hurt people hurt people is such a needed reminder. I need to get a copy of this book!

  228. amanda evans

    #2 for sure. It is so hard to do with my pride in the way.

  229. Nellie

    Question # 3 would have been a sharp reminder to me of my body language and words when I was in an increasingly uncomfortable conversation with my friend this week. When how to react kindly eludes me, I can remember the video principle. How am I appearing to others?

    Your practical and honest advice is appreciated!

  230. jackie

    Question 2, how can I soften my heart towards them so I honor them despite how they react. So difficult for me.

  231. Shelley Giguere

    They all did, really! But I would have to say Question 3… I sometimes think I’m so gracious, and that my words are seasoned with salt- only to find out later that I came off as self-righteous or a raving lunatic! I am a worship leader and speaker for women’s events, and I’ve had opportunities to see myself on video. I will sit there and critique every little move I’ve made. If only I would put that much effort into how I look to others at a time when it really matters!

  232. Pam Mayo

    Wow- did you ever bring home a point on that last question – what if our conversation was video or recorded? I would not even want to hear or watch that. May I always remember to act so other see God in me!!!

  233. Brittany S

    All of these resonate with me, but I would have to say that question 3 is the biggest eye opener. I find myself sometimes reacting to a situation in ways that later I am ashamed and thankful that there weren’t other individuals there to witness my unchristian-like attitude and actions.

  234. Jennifer

    The first question resonated most with me, and it’s something I need to honestly ask and answer, especially when I’m in conflict with those I love (this seems to be happening more often lately). I’ve been following you for a short time Lysa, and I have identified to so much of what you say. I truly feel that God is speaking to me through your words. I would love your book and the opportunity to read more o your insight.

  235. Gina H.

    Wow! All 3 are outstanding questions! I would have to say question #2 stands out to me the most because I often forget there is usually a lot of hurt underneath the surface of someone and they need kind understanding from me, then we can work on a resolution.

  236. Joslyn

    Definitely #1: the more we are responsible for our own actions, the less we will have to worry about #2 & 3…..we will still have conflict no matter what, but what i do is between God and I!

  237. Kari

    All three give me something to think about but the second questionhits hime the most. Praying for those we have a conflict with or struggle with is not easy. It is something I need to work even harder on…they may be fightinga battle I don’t know about.

  238. Sara Snatchko

    Wow they were all on point for me but #2 is hard for.me because of pride and ego get in the way of the heart. if only I could practice this with each conversation! I need to read this book stat!

  239. Deanie Caudle

    #2…I have the most difficulty with softening my heart, especially when someone reacts in a hurtful way. I tend to take those reactions personally, and sometimes I just want to walk away and have nothing to do with them (which only hardens my heart rather than being soft toward the other person and showing them Jesus.)

  240. Crystal C.

    #3 is the one that made me giggle because I know this would be the one that would help me the most!! I have thought of often, after a conflict, how would I have reacted if I would have considered an audience watching me or God (and He’s the One that sees it all!!). It definitely makes me think. So wished I could keep that thought in the forefront of my mind when I’m in the heat of the moment!! 🙂

  241. Linda Hagopian

    How easy it is to forget that we live Coram Deo. I can visualize God’s face directly in front of my own, looking into it, seeing my heart.
    When I don’t respond in a gentle and kind manner to conflicts, then I have to look back at God and say “I screwed up. I want to be like you, Jesus.”
    So the video in church would be rather awkward, but realize that God is right there, instead of a camera.

  242. Nicole

    The question that really made an impact on my heart was #3. I am not always “quick to listen and slow to anger” and there are several “conflict reactions” I can think back on that I wish I would have handled differently. I can’t imagine my conversation being broadcast for all to see. I would be so ashamed and so embarrassed. But, I am really glad I read this article because now God has convicted me, which means He loves me too much to leave me the way I am. I can start changing my reactions now, and work toward reacting in a way that brings God glory!

  243. Cathy Clark

    Number 2 is especially hard for me. I tend to harden my heart during confrontation to try and protect myself. Especially if it’s a recurring problem with someone. I am definitely a stuffer! I need to work on all three of these!

  244. Traci Petersen

    Question number two is the one that gets me the most. I’m an American, and I deserve my rights–don’t I? Sure, unless I am first a child of the King. Then I need to follow His example. Doing that goes against everything this culture teaches me, but the end result is peace. I’ve heard it said that grace is the only doorway through which true peace can enter your life. I want to be a peacemaker!

  245. Jodi Peters

    The second question really resonated with me. I have recently received a very confrontational email from a family member but have yet to respond because I don’t want to come from a place of anger. The second question helped me remember that this family member is currently dealing with something in their life that is causing them to react this way towards me. My heart has been softened and I now feel like I can handle this from a place of compassion.

  246. Susan

    I’ve struggled with a couple of relationships over the past months/year. I know they are injured but they are so unkind I gravitate to anger. I don’t want to get angry or be offended. I want to soften my heart so that kind words will diffuse and possibly soften. Thanks for this contribution. It was much needed especially today.

  247. Audrey

    So good! For me it’s all three but if I had to choose I guess I would say #1. I am all about owning our stuff. It’s taken a looong time to get there.

  248. Gigi

    WOW! All three really hit me. Being “right’ and passively aggressively letting know others I am right is often my mode of operation. I feel like being a smarty pants runs deep in my genes! Owning my own fault, and softening my heart were real thought provoking for me. Thinking about my reaction being recorded and viewed by those I respect – yikes! Thank you Lysa for this food for thought.

  249. Elizabeth

    The second question is the most difficult for me. When I am upset with someone it is SO hard to step back and look to see why they may be hurting and to find sympathy and compassion for them. Thanks for this guidance and for the opportunity!

  250. Jennifer

    I think number 3 resonates with me the most because I wouldn’t want to add shame into an already tense moment.

  251. Tricia Harvey

    Question 1…for years there’s been tension between my mother in law & I that I never fully understood..it was always easier to blame her for it all..but this questions helps redirect those feelings to make me really think about when, where & how things started to change between us..

  252. Jenny

    #3 – Remembering that others (including and most importantly the Lord) are watching…yikes! Wouldn’t want some responses broadcast for the world to see. Great reminder!

  253. Lisa G

    I’ve had the privilege of experiencing all three the last several months. #3 and #1 are almost second nature to me now because off current circumstances. I’d have to say #2 resonates the hardest because until recently, I reacted in a very fleshly way. God is reminding me that my reaction is a reflection of my lack of trust in Him. By not getting overly emotional, we are extending a reflection of Christ in us, so how I want Christ to appear to my friends , is how I need to respond to situations.

  254. Julie Martin

    Question #1 what part of this can I own & apologize for? Resonated with me. It’s easy to look at a conflict as I’m right, they’re wrong. I know that I need to try to realistically look at both sides and realize what I could have done differently & apologize for my part in it.

  255. Terry Thielen

    My ex sister n law claims I never responded to her fb comments but I crawled up My new soon to be ex sister n laws “Ass” commenting on her fb page that’s why she and current ex sister n law took me off fb. I apologized for stating God doesn’t like ugly. That made her even more mad !!! I gave up !!! I also stated don’t take My kindness as weakness then she really got harsh !!! thank you Lysa !!!

  256. Ginger

    Number 2…always reminding myself to never let truth outrun compassion!

  257. Amber Smith

    #2 especially stands out for me, but not necessarily how you would expect. I already do this in my job everyday with patients that I see. Many are angry and/or scared and that anger is often displaced towards me. However, instead of getting angry, I understand they mean me no harm and try to provide compassion, kindness and love to them in their times of need. I provide an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry and arms to hug. HOWEVER it has somehow never crossed my mind in an argument with my husband/father/mother-in-law (whomever) that they may be hurting too. I need to extend the same courtesy to them and remember they may be reacting to pain, whether it is past or present. Unfortunately I often let my pride get in the way when dealing with arguments with family.

    This was a very interesting and thought provoking blog post. I am sure your book is a wonderful asset to any collection and I would love to have a copy.

    Thank you for your insights!

  258. Kim

    #1 for me. I would really love to read the book and dive into this more. Thanks.

  259. Suzette Moser

    For me today, question #2 resonated because I am in the humbling process of not deciding who should receive honor amd respect-Jesus expects me to grant that to every person-especially those I reside with- 7×700 and then some. It actually brought me to “near tears” due to recent normal life events everyone experiences. I am new to your website but so thankful, like all the other folks commenting, that your Godly wisdom is readily available to assist each one of us in our faith journey! I know you are blessed as much, if not more, as we are.

  260. Robin Wall

    #2. My 80 year old father- in- law has a history of alcoholism and untreated mental illness. It is so hard to be patient when he tries to offer me his homemade moonshine for the 15th time in a row. He also tells me very inappropriate stories. He genuinely thinks he is giving me a gift. When I refuse, he storms off cursing and retreats from the family for days. He is the hardest person to love! He has many hurts in his past and has caused many people much pain. He refuses to get the help and therapy recommended by his doctors for his multiple health issues. I NEED YOUR BOOK!

  261. Stephanie

    Number three! I read this in anticipation of a call from a family member. I have a huge script including the “law of unintended consequences” and “you are setting an example I don’t want my children to emulate”. Well, telling off an in-law is also something I don’t want my children to emulate! I don’t want my behavior to need justification. My behavior should speak love.

  262. Rachel

    Oh dear me, definitely #3. So many times I have reacted, for the sole fact that no one else is around to hear what I say. My character is worth so much more than a quick, harsh reaction! Thank you so much for these thoughts and questions today!!

  263. Cary

    Hi Lysa
    The whole message spoke to me. All 3 questions are particularly pertinent in a current sitation I find myself in. I have recently moved to the USA with my family. After being here only two months I was involved in a motor vehicle accident. The person concerned swore profanities at me like I have never heard. He threatened to sue me and take me for everything I have. Sueing someone for an accident, from where I come from is unheard of and as you can imagine this has been rather traumatic for me. I have really prayed and asked The Lord for guidance here, Firstly I had to forgive this person and I have sent apologies through my insurance company. apologized for my part in the accident. Tonight it became clear that I need to pray for this persons hurting heart as the outbreak at the scene of the accident was clearly from inner turmoil and anger. Even though I am not in direct conversation with them, I know that God needs to be honored at the end of all of this and my response and reaction need to be one that shows I am a Christian!
    Please pray for me in this situation, that God will be glorified in the end!

  264. Terry Thielen

    I pray for your book UNGLUED . THANK YOU LYSA .

  265. Susan Tresner

    Question 3 had me floored! What if it was on Time Square screen?!? Would I like seeing it? Oh and my toes…Jesus sees it all I will think of this often!!

  266. Terry Thielen

    Thank you lysa .

  267. Heather Mash

    Question 3 stuck with me! It will definitely make me think before I have a conflict with someone and confront them. I feel all too often we come “unglued” before we take the time to hear the whole story! Even if I don’t win the book, this is a wonderful reminder for all of us and I will be looking for your book to purchase.

  268. Vicki Nelson

    Although I must say I appreciated all of your questions, Number 2 definitely resonated the most with me. I must confess there are times (more than I’d like to admit) that I want it to be about me. When I can remove me from the situation, that allows God to do the work that only He can do. Thanks for the reminder!

  269. Michelle

    While it is highly unlikely that our conversation would be recorded and viewed, it is very likely others are watching our reaction. Our kids. Our co-workers. Our friends. But here’s the one that really grabs my heart – my Jesus is very much present. Philippians 4:5 reminds us, “Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.”
    …that is the part that hit me in the gut and heart. The Lord is near…Jesus is very much present…oh how I want to praise Him and honor Him. I forget in the heat of the moment that He is near. Thank you for the reference.

  270. Heather Nelson

    All if them resonated with me. The third one slapped me in the face. And that verse is so powerful. He is always near and we need to know that He may have us in that situation to show His love.

  271. Jessica

    The third one resonates with me the most but they all great tools to use for conflict!! Thanks for sharing!

  272. Tiffany Collins

    #3 it me like a ton of bricks! I struggle with my actions and reactions in my life. Especially in my home life.

  273. Tara H

    The second one is the hardest for me! I LOVE your book! I’d love a copy to give to a friend. Thanks for the chance to win!

  274. Debbie

    The third question definitely. All our interactions with others would be better viewed through Jesus’ camera lens.

  275. Sofia M H

    #2 and #3

  276. Davida

    Love your posts. The 3rd question is a kicker. It makes me sad during conflict how my responses to family, who I love with all my heart, are at times harsher than words to co-workers. I pray I would become more aware that my Lord is always watching.

  277. Kerry

    Number 3 is definitely the question…knowing that Jesus is always with me.

  278. Cindy

    #3 – I once heard it said that we should speak like our words are written in the sky (i.e., as if others could see what we say.) That has stuck with me. Good visual thinking a conversation is videotaped (again, knowing our words are there for all to see.) How we speak truth matters.

  279. Tracy Bolt

    #2 is the one that is most powerful to me…my husband carries so much anger and hostility in his heart that even the simplest statement is said with the harshest tone. Every conversation quickly escalates into chaos… I can’t stand it. He carries so much anger and stress from his job and he brings it home with him. He is unable to leave it there. He denies that he speaks to me differently than he does to others but I am not the only one who sees it. His words and tone cuts right through my soul. It’s so hard for me to hold my tongue as he baits me with his words. But I know that the Godly thing to do is to be slow to anger and not treat him as he is treating me. I pray for him all the time. I pray for peace within our home and family and for God to soften his heart, to help him with the stress at his work and to heal our marriage. We will have our 30th Anniversary soon. I pray for him to draw close to God and become the spiritual leader in our home and family. We have two grown children and our youngest daughter is soon to be thirteen. I need to feel loved by him and not so unappreciated and even hated sometimes by his actions and words… I feel so broken…

  280. Pat Barber

    they all touched me. we recently changed computer system where I work and things did not go smoothly. it has been a trying time for EVERYONE and I only hope I can remember that as I deal with the issues we are having. your book sounds like one I would really like to read and share.

  281. Rebekah Melton

    Have to say I need to remember all three. Conflict is apart of my job constantly and so i find I avoid dealing with it in personal relationships as much as much possible. So often I don’t remember to “own” my part, to speak gently and with understanding, or that in all we do and say Jesus is always present. I am so thankful for His grace and longsuffering as I continue to learn. Thank you for allowing Him to use your life to minister to others!

  282. Cathy

    I’m getting better at #1, and have used it recently. Getting better at #2, but wow #3! I am going to incorporate that into several areas of my life. What a wake up call. Thanks.

  283. Christie Sloan

    oh my! the third one ….. I totally would drop to the floor if some of my reactions had been video taped and displayed. Reading your book now but it’s from the library so I can’t mark it all up LOL .. would love a personal copy … it’s helping in my marriage and with relationships all around! Thanks for writing and sharing it with us!!!!

  284. Brooklyn

    I would say that #2 reasonated most for me. During the Proverbs challenge I’m in this month, I’ve learned that my best attempt is to reply with gracious words and replay this in mind before responding: “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” – Proverbs 16:24

  285. Candace

    #2. It’s so hard for me to not react to my husband’s sometimes irrational overreacting to things.

  286. Krista S

    I pray that I can remember all 3 in the heat of the moment! 🙂 As a teacher that shares the responsibility of teaching 2nd graders, I can think of a few examples of conflict that I’ve had with a teacher that is in our room. Remembering gentleness not only will help deal with conflict with my peer but is a wonderful reminder even working with children.

  287. Liz

    Good article, great questions! I’ll have to remember this. Have been unable to get a copy of Unglued but sure would appreciate winning a copy 🙂

  288. Hope

    Ooh #3. I just had a baby and the thought of my baby seeing or patterning me at my worst is so humbling. It helps me to think about how I am (or am not) reflecting Christ to those around me. Thank you. I’d love the book to learn more!

  289. steph helmbrecht

    The 2nd one for me. I need to remember that hurting people hurt others. I need to give grace.

  290. Giovana

    #1- Proverbs 15:1 definitely pertains to my resolution. I have just recently heard of you, Lysa.. Thank you for helping me push through the rough moments & turn to prayer! Would love a copy of Unglued!

  291. Melissa

    The first question. In general I don’t do any sort of conflict well. I avoid it if I can. Otherwise, I try to be neutral to please all involved parties. I generally leave a conversation unsatisfied because I didn’t really tell the truth and I know nothing has been resolved. If the same conversation comes up again (and maybe again and again…) I eventually get so frustrated and fly off the handle. I leave that conversation feeling guilty and wondering what and how I should apologize.

  292. Heidi Orso

    All three questions are excellent, but it was #2 that really got to me. I do need to soften my heart, particularly towards my husband, before I react. I’m working on anger & bitterness in Bible study right now! Perfect timing!

  293. Michelle

    Number 3! I have a 7 year old son. And when I have to apologize for the way I handled something I feel sick inside. But he always forgives me, just like Jesus does. And I try not to make those mistakes again.

  294. Jacy

    #1. I think apologizing for your part can de-escalate a conflict pretty fast.

  295. Carla Craig

    I think that the second question hits home for me. I also know that hurt people, hurt people. That was also a discussion at church on Sunday and I never thought about that before Sunday’s sermon and here is that same phrase on your blog. So I have to consider what the person is hurting from…

  296. Libby

    I think #3 is the one I would consider that helps me the most. I have events happen all the time that challenge my way of thinking and could wound me (if I didn’t handle it like I should) I also have a son that sees everything I do and I have to ask my self if I am setting a good example for him. I know (just like a camera) he is taking in everything that I do and he reacts the same way. So am I “training” him in the way he should go or am I showing him examples of how not to react to people?! I have to consider this quite often and I pray God reminds me that I wouldn’t like to be seen on a video being something He would not like. Thank you for showing all of us that example, Lysa! 😀

  297. Teresa Knight

    The question that appeals to me the most is how would I react if I was been recorded and others I respect can see it later.

    • Nico Smith

      We all go through situations that can really aggravate us. You can even ask my husband, Ron to name y times when either of us went through frustrating situations where we reall…y didn’t know what do do. Back during our days at the Illinois School for the Visually Impaired (ISVI) in Jacksonville Illinois Ron Smithhad to keep me from losing my cool and getting into trouble. I had teachers belittle me by saying that I could do whatever my nondisabled peers could do, that I was relying too much on others for assistance. Boy, did this make my husband livid. I know he wanted to say something. I didn’t really own that situation, so I had no need to apologize for any wrong-doings. You’d think the teachers would’ve apologized; however, I never received an apology for the way I was treated. If I tried to state how I felt, my opinion was ignored, and the adults in charge assumed that they knew what was in my best interest. I made every attempt to let the authority figures know how I felt about the way I was being treated, but they seemed to ignore me. If that situation had been recorded in any way then shown to my friends and family, I think I probably would’ve been embarrassed and mad at how I was been treated in front of my school mates. “If we control our reactions in the short-term, we don’t have to live with the reaction regret in the long-term.”Lysa TerKeurst Ultimately, this means that reacting differently will cause a different outcome to happen. The question that resonated with me the most was the one that asked what part of the situation we own and can apologize for. I think that we need to think before speaking, ask God to help us handle the situation and turn it into something positive.,

  298. Nocona Koenig

    Thank you for this message! Wise wise words. We can witness and show the character of Jesus in how we handle conflict.

  299. K

    Question #2, hurt people do hurt people. My pastor says this all the time. I pray for those that are hurting. I know I can’t change them, only God can, but I can change my reaction to them.

  300. Carol Corzo

    I definitely think #3 makes you think.

  301. Samantha Kimbro

    Question # 3 really stood out to me. How would I feel if others saw me when I am reacting in an exploding way. That would be horrifying! How would I even feel to watch my reaction later?

  302. Courtney

    The second question definitely resonated with me the most.

  303. Carlene Wooddell

    All three questions resonated with me, but I would have to say #3 the most. It is surely difficult to be in this position and I too, have been in this position before and not always handled it as best I could. I have had to live and learn. It’s hard to remember most days, when I get calls or requests from people that seem to suck the life right out of me, for whatever season we are in, that I am called to be the salt and light. We all are. And then I think about how many times on a daily basis, I am telling my children, trying to teach them about grace and being gracious against all odds, even when they don’t want to…I ask them to be this way for me. Be gracious..(I know you really don’t care for that person or what they have to say, but be gracious) (there will always be people in your life that you don’t get along with, but be gracious)…it’s easy to tell my kids to do that, but sometimes not easy for me to do.

    Question #2 reminds me of a friend, that was once a very dear friend and I miss terribly, but boundaries needed to be set and I had to lovingly not speak with this person on a daily basis, because no matter how hard I tried to honor them and take care with my reactions, there was always the blame factor and when I learned I was enabling them to attack me continually, through no fault of my own, I had to change the dynamics of that friendship.

    God calls me to love others, as I would love myself. I do my best to do that daily. Sometimes I am good at it, other times I am already thinking of what is the next thing I am going to say or do and I miss the bigger blessing He intended for me.

    I would love to have a copy of your book and I love the thought provoking questions you ask that make me realize who I am in Christ. God bless you.

    • Cheryl

      Lisa to be honest, all 3 questions pertaine to me in the current ” Storm ” ( conflict ) that is raging. Yes, hurt people, hurt people & I feel we have to get ” to the Root ” of what’s really bothering the couple who remains stuck in the past with hurts & resentments. I’ve been praying about this situation and do know All the parties involved need to sit down, get ” to the Root ” in order to move forward. I do own ” my part ” in causing hurt & pain, and will ask for All involved to voice their hurts, some things that have been mentioned I honestly don’t remember saying or doing ( I was going through a divorce and was not well ) & things that were mentioned that have no truth behind, that was second hand information given to them. I will ask for All parties involved to Recieve my amends, and setting a Boundary that going forward situations that were in the past remain there and not be brought up to cause further separation within our family. Jesus died on the Cross to save us from All of our sins and we should Forgive, as Christ Forgave us all. I have such Compassion for everything that Christ went through and can relate to the rejection and unforgiveness He experienced. I do have Peace in my Heart knowing that He’s right beside me, that He knows the Future outcome of this situation, and that I have grown spiritually so much through this and has strengthened my relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ. I would be honored to receive a copy of your book Unglued, to help me contine to Learn and Grow !

    • Dee

      Number one because I need to think of others more highly than I do myself. I cannot know what they are going through so need to own what I can about the situation.

    • Nancy

      #3 if this was being videotaped would I react the same? Even though it’s not, Jesus is watching, and how many times has my son presenced these conflicts and what kind of msg am I passing on to him. My husband needs me to connect him to Jesus, not push him away.

    • Jenn Breen

      I would have to say question 2 resonated the most with me. It’s so difficult, in the midst of our own frustration, to think about where others are coming from. This seems like the most important aspect of seeing another’s point of view. It’s much deeper than their opinion on an issue. Past hurts, despite the fact that you may never know what the other person’s hurts are, are just as significant as the current issue at hand. Very significant, yet easily missed, point.

  304. Meagan

    Number 3 hits hard. In the past I have has a lot of conflicts with friends and the way I responded to each conflict was ugly. The people who saw the conflicts might have lost all respect for me and the way I responded is probably why they choose not to be my friend. I have played conversations over in my head and I all I can think about is ugly I was to my friends and how much I might have hurt them. I have gotten a lot better at responding to conflicts, but I still struggle with it at times. Just the thought of who might be watching is big especially because I’m around kids a lot. Asking myself this question before responding will really help a lot. I really desire to live my life in such a way that it points to Jesus. That people don’t see ME, but HIM. It also helps me to keep in mind that I might be the only Jesus people will see, so I need to watch how I respond to conflicts.

  305. Danielle

    Number 2 stuck with me the most. It can be very difficult to soften your heart in the midst of a disagreement because sometimes in the heat of the moment you don’t have a chance to prepare beforehand. You don’t want to end up saying something that will hurt the other person.

    • Connie Taylor

      Amazing to see all this actually in print. I know these things…l just get human and travel on. I would have to state that question #1 stopped me in my tracks. So often, more times than l like, l only see the other persons faults. If l stopped and asked myself this question honestly…..the other two responses would come naturally ? As the mother of 4 adult child and 3 of them married, well there seems to always be some one calling me and asking for advice. Would love the opportunity to read your book and share your insight with these 8 young adults. Our youngest son will be married this summer. Thank you for sharing such important advice.

  306. Jeanette

    Wow this is so amazing to hear right this moment. I struggle daily with 3 boys and my husband in communication with them. The ? that touched me was if I was recorded, but not so much that but remembering god is near and hears above anyone else that breaks my heart. I struggle with my thoughts in how I respond to the boys and man in my home, being the only girl is tough but god is stronger and knows my heart to change. I’m not alone he is with me, praise god. Thanks Lysa you minister to my heart daily.

  307. Bonnie

    #3 for me. Just the thought of someone seeing my bad reaction would almost be enough to stop me in my tracks. Being humiliated is one of my greatest fears.

    And I would live to receive a copy of your book.

  308. Brenda

    I am going through this right now with someone who I considered a very good friend. She won’t speak to me or tell me what I’ve done. I’ve been nice and apologized for any misunderstanding but she is unfazed, ice cold, and seems really childish and bitter towards me. I see her everyday at the gym and am upset that my sanctuary is now tainted by bitterness. I’ve done why you said, but she hasn’t responded except to sever all ties. I would like to know what happened and hopefully restore the ability to be cordial to one another. I am interested in learning more from your book. I’ve not had conflict in this way in my adult life. It’s very bewildering.

  309. Patty

    I tend to react when my emotions are raw so I wait until I cAlm down and pray and think about the issue. If this means returning their call, so be it. Thank goodness for voiceMail! I try not to be the victim and see past the issue and not react badly. Focusing on their feelings but not allowing any verbal accusations penetrate my heart instead i focus on Christs love for them

  310. Emily Lowrie

    I think sometimes we don’t want to apologize, I know I don’t. God is working on me with that, like you say there are two sides of the story, so I need so try to see things from both sides. I hope to get better with this to have better Godly responses to conflict.

  311. Heather Walters

    Lysa -I would say #2, spoke to me the most. Trying to keep your heart softened towards someone despite how they react.

    My half brother found me two years ago after months of searching. We never grew up together and since then 40 years had passed between us. Everything was wonderful in the beginning…. At times some rough spots but nothing major until he was let go from his job and became unemployed in July 2012. Then things between us began to go downhill. Last February, he was caught in a lie to me and since then he hasn’t spoken to me. In two weeks, it will be one year since the incident. It is true that hurt people, hurt people, especially family. The day of the incident I could have said stay away and never contact me again. But I chose the way of Christ and have loved my brother with love and compassion thru texts, cards. But never a response from him. The pain has been very tough and emotional draining. Many days my faith has been tested. But God has been faithful for my every need and his peace and strength has helped me in my darkest days. I will never regret choosing this path with Christ, for I know he always works for good. I read Unglued last year but plan to read again soon. Thank you for your words of wisdom always, whether thru your blog or on FB. It has helped me get thru some of the hardest days.

  312. Martine Bykowski

    The question that really said to me “remember this,” was #2. How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react?

    • Kathy B

      #2 I think that is one of the most difficult things to do. Our feelings seem to be such an easy stumbling block. You are so right, we need to see things with Godly eyes and let the Holy Spirit prepare our hearts. How do we draw close to God if we harden our hearts and let our pride be our guide?

  313. Dana d

    Question1: what part can I own? Ouch.can’t it just be that They are the only wrong one??

  314. Amanda Long

    All three questions speak to me all for different reasons. But number 3 is the most. I had a huge imagination as a child and if I continued that pretending now. I would definitely say this would be a good one. One that I might start. Just to imagine my pastor was watching my reaction to my children and husbands tendencies and problem. I really think the book unglued would help me in my walk with God. Seeking God has become my too priority and I can see and feel a Changein my emotional and spiritual self. Thank you for your wonderful uplifting posts 🙂

  315. Cyndee McDougal

    #3 is it! How easy it is to relate the conversation to others in a way that makes us look good. Truth be told, I’d be embarrassed by some of my conversations. Never thought of this POV before. Thanks Lysa!

  316. Cindy

    The question resonating with me the most was “How can I soften my heart toward this person so that I can honor them?” Wow. I have work to do. This was a light bulb *ding* moment for me.

  317. Katherine

    Q2. It is hard to let go of your anger, hurt & pride so that you can honor a person despite the conflicy.

  318. Leah

    I would say #2, although all three are good. God has been working on my heart about having a softer (forgiving) heart towared those I have been hurt by and those I have disagreed with. I so want to reflect Jesus and to be a better example of Him! God bless and thanks for sharing!

  319. Sue

    Oh my Lord, Number 3, That was my stopping point. I would die if I could see some of my reactions or responses.
    One of my friends told me “I saw you at work and you looked as if someone had just gotten on your last nerve.” That phrase still haunts me as I work, I try to keep a smile, regardless of my tormentors. Someone had just gotten to me, but I now pray for her, She is a little old lady that comments negatively every time I try to be nice to her. She is a real downer but needs love and compassion.
    I pray I never have THAT look again.,

  320. Pam Rudder

    Question #2 is my touchstone!!! Everyone is fighting some kind of battle (I know what mine are) and I have no idea what they are going through. I also know I can’t control their actions but I CAN control my reactions. This is what I’m working on in 2014. My goal for the year is to think about what I’m saying and the tone in which I say it!!! Thanks for all you do!!!

  321. Janet

    #3 was most impactful to me, because it occurs to me that God already sees every thing we say and do and even knows what our innermost thoughts are. If I could get myself to think of this before I open my mouth, it would make a huge difference. I would love to win the book.

  322. Diane

    #3 for me b/c your comment…

    the one that really grabs my heart – my Jesus is very much present

    truly grabbed my heart and I actually ached at the thought of Him witnessing my behavior.

  323. Melody

    #3 hit me hard – how would that be……not good I’m afraid 🙁

  324. Jan

    Without a doubt, number 3!! Perfect to think before reacting knowing you will be recorded. Save yourself the heartache and always be kind!!

  325. Brandy

    The question that most resonated with me was ‘What part of this issue can I own and apologize for?’ My first reaction in hurtful situations is to play the victim. It’s all THEIR fault that my feelings are hurt…they should of texted back, they should of invited us over for dinner…etc. Hurt people DO hurt people. If I am able to step back, put myself in the other person’s shoes and be a bit more understanding, it will help lesson the hurt I am feeling…clear my mind and help me think RATIONAL. It will help me be at peace, so that I may remain calm, no matter the situation.

  326. Hurting Mama

    Question #2 seems to be a reoccurring theme for me. I have been deeply hurt…and hurt people do hurt people. How do you soften your heart toward someone who continues to take advantage of your kindness? How do you show Gods love and forgiveness to someone without them walking all over you?

  327. Cindy K

    That is a good word. I just read you blog on friendships also, about the package deal. There are so many conversations I wish I could get back, have a do over. But just wondering where it leaves you in the relationship when you are willing to fight for the relationship and they are not. And at that the end of the day, it is just not worth it to them. I know my worth is defined by the person of Jesus Christ and what He did for me on the cross. It’s just hard to understand, but trusting The Lord! May we all honor Christ in every word and deed, and speak words that bring life, even to the people we don’t like, especially to those people!

  328. Laura

    Number 2 and then number 3. I am working through a situation such as this now and it made me think about how I need to continue in my dealing with the people involved. Thanks

  329. Viola

    These all do hit home with us, I think #3 sometimes when we get frustrated we kinda hide it not to allow people close to us see this reaction. We think people will Judge us on our behavior not knowing the situation . I would so live to have a copy of your book.

  330. Kathy

    #3. Number one is going to take some thinking….

  331. susan

    3. If I can just remember that God is watching and respond with ‘His heart’. My desire is that my heart looks like His…

  332. Deb

    #2. For the longest time there was a special place inside of me that burned with anger towards my ex husband. Almost two years in dealing with cancer humbled this girl. I have seriously been working at changing that nasty attitude I have towards him. It’s getting better. That is only something th a t GOD can change in me. I just have to let it happen. Thankfully He is better at molding clay than I am.

  333. Sarah

    #2, it’s so true but hard to remember when you are in the midst of it…hurting people hurt people. It helps to step back from the situation & have compassion for the one causing you pain, if you can see how they are hurting. Doesn’t make their actions/words okay, but helps to not lash back & instead choose compassion & understanding.

  334. Eileen D

    #3. Just the thought of someone hearing my bad reaction would be so embarrassing.

  335. Jill Y

    For me it’s the 3rd question:”if someone was video taping this conversation would I be ok with other people watching it?” The 1st 2 I have learned to do over time, but the last I have never thought of. It is a very good lesson just on the home front where reactions are heated quickly after long days. Thanks for this advice. .

  336. beth reyes

    The number 2 question for me.

  337. Cassie Musick

    Definitely #3

  338. Dani

    The first question was the best for me. In the past I have had trouble owning up to my part in things. It is something I try to work on. Your website helps me so much. Thank you

  339. Andi

    All three questions are great. I think the last one, however, is the one that would cause most to pause. This is more of a reality than some want to admit…when you consider all of the smartphones out there.

  340. brooke

    Thank you for this post. I think the first question is the one that I struggle with most. Admitting my part is HARD for me, but it’s usually the best starting point. GREAT QUESTIONS to remember.

  341. Carol Shepardson

    #3 happened at work yesterday. I totally blew it. My co workers saw it and looking back I did not honor Christ at all. Christ was there and I turned my back on him and thought of only myself. These questions and scripture are going to posted in my cubicle. Seems like I would greatly benefit from your book.

  342. Heather

    #2, it is so much easier to get defensive during a conflict. I have someone close to me that has been hurt deeply in the past & often lashes out at those closest to them. Things are said without thought. Slowing down to soften my heart during these times is the perfect step to keep me from continuing the circle of hurt by being defensive when I’m hurt. Thank you so much for the insightful wisdom direction. I will definitely be asking myself these 3 questions in the future.

  343. Hannah

    #3 really got me – Jesus IS watching. I do think about my children and others such as co- workers because I want to be a good example and a witness, but Jesus! Be still my sinful and wayward heart.

  344. Z D Lillis

    Number. 2 resonated with me most because I don’t always think about the other person but am self absorbed in my anger. We all need to stop and think about the issue and give the other person more compassion. I feel thi is the hardest thing to do when we become angry or hurt by someone else.

  345. Mary

    Wow! This are such great questions to ponder. It’s hard to pick one, but I think #1 hits home to me. There are 2 sides, but in the heat of the moment, I only see mine. Stopping to think what part I played in the conflict and asking what I need to apologize for at the beginning would set the tone for a more Godly conversation, and one that would honor Him.

  346. Sandie b

    2nd question. Honoring simeine in conflict is hard!

  347. Frankie

    The question that stung a little was what part can I own and apologize for. I am guilty of arguing why I am right. This is profound, in a good way! A HUGE eye opener! Thank you.

  348. Michelle Laney

    Question#1 resonated with me. I’ve been avoiding a certain situation because I know I will let my emotions get the better of me so instead of engaging with that person especially when they text spiteful things I ignore it. “A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.” And I do t have a gentle answer yet lol I’ve been praying about it and The Lord has given me a peace about it so I’m not anxious but this person every now and then tries to stir it up by what they text. However is this wrong of me to ignore it and not say anything? I just keep praying that The Lord gives me the right words when the time is right to engage in conversation with this person again (it’s been a year already). Since I’ve spoken to this person.

  349. Holly Kandoll

    Question #1 this is something I really struggle with-saying sorry esp when I feel like I’m not the one who should be apologizing. Something I need to work on for sure!

  350. Shirley

    Question #2 resonated with me. I try to remind myself that no matter what the situation, and no matter how others act or react to me, that should not have an effect on how I handle myself when dealing with them. That’s hard.

  351. Lori

    #3 – Ouch!

  352. Tara Howes

    #2. It is difficult when you don’t get the response you were expecting. But I still have to let that go too…

  353. Kimberly

    Wonderful words of wisdom! #1 and #3 questions are most impacting to me. I just had an unglued moment tonight, now I’m unable to sleep, thinking about how I should have handled it better. Thank you for this post. These are words I needed to hear tonight.

  354. Lisa

    The first one for me wow ! Owning 50% off the problem or my share in it , wow so right and by keeping gods words & will in my heart resolves the problem very powerful thankyou

  355. Pam

    It is easy to leave a hole in your heart from the hurt that comes from confrontations, a hole only God can heal but I have found these are the times I am closest to my Heavenly father and for that I am grateful!

  356. Faith

    Yes Lysa. My mouth talks before my mind thinks way too often. Your three questions are a fantastic way to think before I talk. I save the verses in my daily notes. Now I must put them into practice!!!

  357. Kristin

    I struggle with the admitting I’m wrong and apologizing for it, so I find ways to manipulate the situation until I seem to be right. It just makes things escalate from a simple conflict to a fight! I will try reminding myself of that verse, and hopefully it will help!

  358. Sue

    I like to use the “What part of this issue can I own? “when I am trying to solve a conflict in my life.

  359. Hannah

    Questions 1 and 2 really help to put things in perspective when I’m in the moment and make the 3rd fairly simple to answer.

  360. Cheryl

    So true, so true. Thank you

  361. Michelle

    I must say these 3 questions hit me hard…I know God is very near and sees/knows all, and yet at times of conflict I have totally been outraged and ugly then so full of shame afterwards that it is unreal. I remind my children that God is watching them when they misbehave and tell myself in my head(silently of course) that I need to remember too. So reading this is confirmation on what God is trying to help me overcome at this time. Thank you!

  362. Angela Jones

    It’s likely too late to win a copy of your book with my response, but thank you for your blog on this subject anyway! #2 is getting me right now…even as I’m writing this, every reason why I shouldn’t “honor” some family members in my life right now because of how badly they’re behaving/reacting is rushing into my mind. It’s SO hard and hurts SO bad to watch or be in the midst of and lately my only response is to just say nothing and cry to God on my knees later because what I WANT to say is NOT good. To make it worse, some of the behavior is truly just to hurt me because I can’t seem to get this relating as a “lone Christian with many nonbelievers” thing down. Please pray for me in this, thank you and God bless! I LOVE your insights! They help!

  363. Susan

    #2 I am struggling with softing my hart to someone who has hurt me. I have forgiven them but cant forget what they have done and said about me need to work on having a soft hart for them

  364. Heather


  365. Sherry

    I believe the only question we need to ask ourselves is what would Jesus say?

    Whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did. 1 John 2:6

    I do nothing on my own but speak just what the Father has taught me. John 8:28

  366. Jennifer Parsons

    Number 2- Went through a bitter divorce. It’s hard to find a way to honor him after all that happened.

  367. janice smolen

    I so see myself in all the questions and especially # 3! I often ask myself and my other half why cant we treat each other or our ( at home ) family members the way we treat our friends! we would never explode or be rude to others over LITTLE things that seem to trigger things in our ( my ) brain.When you said how would we feel if there was a video of us at home and showed it in church! WOW that so hit home for me. I have been reading the book ” Love and Respect” it talks about the cycle, hamster wheel we are on! I so plan to get this book when I have a few extra coins because it sounds like it was written for ME.I am so glad a dear friend sent me this via e-mail, she knows me well and the struggles I am going through.I know what I am going through we all are going through in my house and it has to get better, we have to be better.I love proverbs its one of my favorites.Thankyou for sharing.

  368. Kelly

    I would say #3 hit me the hardest. It would be very embarrassing for someone to see my reaction, if I didn’t react in the proper way. That’s why it’s so very important to think before we speak because once those words are spoken, they can’t be taken back.

  369. DawnW

    Video taping, yikes! Who’d want to see it?! Oh, my… But then again, my Lord saw it. And He is the most important person. Help me, Father, in my “unglued” situations to think of You first.

  370. Carole

    2. How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react?
    THIS is the one I will own. Tolerance, patience, obedience, respect and kindness…only a few, but each equally important with people in our lives. We never know who is suffering, alone, or in need.

  371. Valerie Johnson

    Number 3 resonated with me the most because I would be mortified if anyone was able to see some of my reactions to conflicts that I have had. It makes me realize that I really need to stop and pray before I react to conflicts.

  372. Tim

    Where was this 2 years ago? I know, the Bible has been around with the answers a lot longer. Wow. I left my job of 9 years because of conflict with my coworker. I climbed the ladder to management, put everything I had into that office, just to leave it all behind because I couldn’t take the conflict anymore. These 3 questions would’ve helped but I can see now that God wanted to bring me to my knees and then rebuild me. I love God and although this new job is like working for Ebeneezer Scrooge, I’m dealing with less conflict and when conflict arises, I’ve been handling it better. These questions are icing on the cake. Thank you for using scripture in there too. I’ll check out your book whether I win one or not. Thanks for putting in the time to share this with us!

  373. Martha Brewer

    The second one because we never know what is going on with the other person and it doesn’t matter how well we think we know the person, there are still parts that we don’t know. I am so glad that I found Proverbs 21 ministries. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  374. Lori Johnson

    #3 for sure! If we could video tape every reaction, so many things would play out differently!

  375. Josie

    All three are great! I use them daily. The most important to me is who will see my reaction and how will it reflect my love for God. I teach in a university and my desire is to be a beacon for my students. I can not do that if I am reacting poorly to situations.

  376. Steph

    Wow! They all resonated with me! But I would say #2 the most. I have been dealing with a conflict for almost 6 months. From the beginning it has seemed so irrational and petty. It never ever occurred to me that other things may be fueling it. Wonderful insight!!!

  377. Katie

    #1-2-3 What a time to read this. Just had a conversation with my husband last night that just exploded into a mess. Am so disappointed in myself again. Have had extreme financial difficulties for last several years. But really, it can cause these kind of reactions? Want so much to be supportive of my husband and am consantly failing. I’ve been reading anything I can on-line from Lisa’s writings but haven’t been able to buy any of her books yet.

  378. Lisa Randall

    #1 for me Lysa. Self reflection is always hard and accountability as well, but these things also help us understand another’s perspective of the situation and apply grace, the same way that we received grace.

  379. Mari

    I completely relate. I just had a HUGE conflict with my brother and it was in front of the entire family with everyone’s children around at my parents house.
    We recently moved in with my parents because we lost our business and home. Long story short. The house cleared of all visitors my daughter ended up crying. My oldest went to his room to avoid conflict. I rebuked my brother and in a calm voice then went to my room. Calmed my daughter down before my husband got upset and ended all disputes. I calmed down. By this point I was shaking so bad. And a few minutes later I called all 4 of my children to my room so I could read what the Bible says about it all. So looking back if there was a video?? I pray I responded Godly.

  380. Vikki SanSouci

    Number 2 really hits home with me as I just went thru a situation like this with my sister. Holy Spirit was convicting me so heavily that we are to love one another & not to “call people out on things”, speak out in our anger or judge or that they are not doing something the way we feel it should be done. Of course I was guilty of not handling the conversation justly and if I would’ve saw that on video I would’ve been ashamed of myself. I knew better yet, I let my emotions run wild. Thank you Holy Spirit for gently correcting me & allowing me to learn & grow from this and thank you Lysa for this specific post (they are all good!) but this one hits home and it also lets me know I’m not alone in things like this …. Keeping my eyes on The Treasure! 🙂

  381. Norma

    #2 resonates with me the most and thinking of the other person and possible issues they might be dealing with helps me understand what might be behind the conflict. I believe we should always think of the other person first, esteem them higher than ourselves, and we will most likely react in a compassionate way to the issue at hand. Thanks for asking for our input in such a hard lesson to learn about dealing with conflict especially in the body of Christ!

  382. Deanna

    I definitely can relate to question #3. I am ashamed to say that I am more unreserved when I know that no one is watching me. I definitely need to check my heart. Looking forward to our on-campus retreat this weekend and hearing you speak at FBCW. Thank you for taking time to speak to us. At the same time, I am also doing the Proverbs 31 Online Study of Made To Crave. It’s Day 3 and I am enjoying the journey. God Bless!

  383. Leslie

    Man…I usually want to pick apart the other person, because of course I did nothing wrong. So, looking for my responsibility in the conflict really resonates. I know that I am not good at apologies…but I’m getting better.

  384. m.o.

    Question #2…..being sure to separate the person & the issue!

  385. Christine Bruneau

    2. How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react?
    This is always the most-difficult one for me to accomplish. When I truly am honest about it, I would have to say that I like to be liked. If someone reacts with feelings of hurt or anger, I take it very personally. I try to “make everything better”, so we can just move on. I am not comfortable with any conflicts. I am strong only in my defense of my Lord. Other battles, I just want to be over. I have the most trouble softening my heart when someone’s reaction is difficult. I just want to rush back to the calm time. I just want it to go away. I really feel like I’m a peacemaker. I want both myself and the other person to be nice. Quite honestly, now that I’m thinking about what I’m saying here is that, although I might not be able soften my heart in the middle of the conflict, I pray to God to help me understand where this person is coming from. What have they gone through and what battles are they fighting now, or have they been going through to react so angrily. Now as I’m writing, I realize that I DO try to soften my heart, despite what they are saying or doing and try to understand why. However there is always my conversations with God, my Father to help me be compassionate at all times.

  386. Michelle Kadell

    #2. I think when we take a look at conflict, especially between a Christian and a non-christian person, a lot of times we feel we ARE right, and we have to remember that God has called us to HUMBLE ourselves, and remember that the person you are having the conflict with doesn’t know Jesus, and doesn’t understand His loving heart like we do. Thank you for reminding me that it is MY responsibility to treat others kindly, even though I may not agree, and own up to my own faults in any given situation.

  387. Patti

    Oh my, never thought of asking myself about my ownership in a conflict. That is profound and will certainly turn things around if I apologize for my part, FIRST! I will begin to do this, it will take humility, which is a beautiful thing and so unlike this world. But part of God’s beatitudes!
    Which is the life I strive to live. Thank you so much for pointing this out.

  388. Tonya Blevins

    #2 is the question I need to work on. What a blessing to know that you could diffuse a situation even if only a little by showing love to a hurt individual. We don’t have to know what is truly going on in their life, we just need to realize something is there.

  389. JoAnn Suttle

    3. If I knew this conversation was being video taped and then shown to people I greatly respect, how would this change my reaction?
    I understand them all, as my husband always tells me, “do you want to be right or do you want to have a relationship?”
    However, the action of actually doing these things is not an easy accomplishment. The Holy Spirit for me is the key to get through these three questions.
    The idea of being viewed by others as an example would also help me get through the conflict. These are difficult times for many of us.

  390. Anna

    This is great advice. 🙂 I have your book Unglued, and I’ve been slowly working my way through it so that I can absorb and apply the ideas. Almost always my first response is full of my own rightness and justifications. I never really want to admit that I might be wrong. I tend to find myself rehearsing how conversations will go before they happen, and this helps me stop to think about what I’m saying and how it needs to be changed. Imagining video taping is a good idea. 🙂

  391. Jessica Stevens

    #3 is what I try to think of but usually fail terribly! I have a 16 and 12 year old boys. And a new 5 week old baby girl-they are amazing blessings to me and there are too many times I have apologied for my behavior/reactions being unacceptable and praying that I can change my heart and mind for the next one to be the best example and mom I can be…

  392. Amy

    All of them speak right to me but #2 the most. I know that my husband reacts to conflict the way he does because things in his past (childhood) have hurt and disappointed him in ways that I will never understand. Sometimes I forget this and get wrapped up in the arguement instead of trying to soften my heart toward him and become a peacemaker. Thanks so much for these 3 steps…they will be so helpful!

  393. Kris Taylor

    I am older and only fractionally wiser in The Lord for having come to this chronological point in my life. I have preached to my (now adult) children that to begin dialog after conflict the very first part is to “own” what ever part you can apologize for, and approach the other party with a humble attitude. PRIDE is one of satan’s sharpest weapons. So I would have to say question number 1 has to be the one that speaks loudest to me, because it puts us on the alter where God can do his holy surgery. Purge ME Lord, so I have only YOUR words left to speak!

  394. Cj Simpson

    Number 3. As a whole but especially with my eldest daughter. I know in my head how I should act /respond but in the moment I lose my way and at times I think I don’t care and I react rather than breath, pray and collect myself. I know this is hurtful and damaging to her as well as myself and our relationship. These 3 questions will be helpful along with continued prayer to correct and over come this. I will print out these questions to be posted on the fridge and teach them to my daughters as well . God’s faithfulness is new every morning! Thanks Lysa

  395. Cynthia

    question 2 – how can I soften my heart to the person

  396. Melissa

    Lysa, all three are great questions that I wish I had known last year. I am recently laid off and even though they said it was not performance based, I can’t help but think it was personality based. I have always had the problem of reacting instead of acting. My emotions are very strong and sitting precariously on my shoulders. Thank you for your post today. It rings very close to home for me. Thank you, for being God’s vessel. I am listening now.

  397. Judy

    All three hit home, but like so many of the others I would have to say 3. I have a grandchild living with me that I am trying to get back in church, and just this week I blew it. I over reacted to something someone from my past did and I totally showed my human nature. I am ashamed but it’s too late to change that now.

  398. Toni

    Number three because I have seen my young son’s eyes when I over reacted. You never get that image out of your mind. Unfortunately, I still have to work on asking these hard questions when emotions run high

  399. crystal

    The one that resonates with me is the question asking what part I can own and apologize for…the humbling act of apologizing is disarming to BOTH parties. I need to get better at admitting my part in conflicts…especially with my hubby, bless his sweet soul.

  400. Karen

    Definitely #2. I am not a compassionate being by nature, but I know God can give me the reminder and grace to have compassion.

  401. Pam Alexander

    #1really spoke to me the verse “a soft answer turnth away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger”. I used to just spout off at the mouth before thinking about the out come but as the Lord started dealing with me on this issue and with the help of the holy spirit I don’t react this way anymore or not as often, thank God he is still working on me. Think before you speak is always great advice.

  402. Wendy

    I need to stop making mountains out of molehills. Thanks for this timely advice!

    • lafawn may

      I needed this , right now today. Thank you. I am working on this

    • Cindy

      That’s good, Wendy. I have a tendency to over think things and must stop that. 🙂

  403. Naomi Tamez

    I love all three questions you should ask yourself before reacting- they all are great advice for anyone. I especially like #1 question and the bible verse. I have three boys 2, 6, 7 years old. As I am always trying to better myself, I have learned that bettering myself is also bettering my children. # 1 question is can be hard at times to take owner ship of your mistake and apologize even worse or really not meaningful. With three boys this can be tough. So, If I can do this not only with the adults in MY life but with them as well what better way of showing God’s grace, mercy and love. Thank you for the great tips and reminders to strive to be a better person so that God’s love is shared. I can’t wait to read more!!!
    Naomi Tamez

  404. Amy

    Number 2. There was an incident last night that has broken my heart. I do not understand why it seems like people like to continue in conflict and spend time in gossip and complaining. If I’m not prayerfully aware I can see my heart becoming hard towards them. My position is such where that would cause even more harm.

  405. Shelly Sutherland

    I often avoid conversations until I figure things out. Number one is very hard for me, but I usually come around. I usually start working things through in my head by completely denying any responsibility on my part. Then when I realize that a conversation like that is going to get me nowhere. I start to re-examine what I might be able to apologize for (carefully worded of course, so as not to really take the blame). Then I wrestle and wrestle over the fact that I know I really do need apologize, and the thought of having to admit my fault, just turns my stomach. My pride is so obnoxious! I can’t bear of that person getting any satisfaction from my humility. Finally, when I’m just so tired of fighting with myself and the Holy Spirit, I let go of my pride. Then God is able to help me put the need for resolution and reconciliation over my all my other selfish desires. After that I’m not afraid to talk to that person because I don’t care anymore whether they admit their fault or not. I just do my part to fix it, and let the rest go. I need to work on making this process a bit faster, because sometimes it takes months!

    • Debby

      Your testimony inspires me to let go of my pride and to look to God to “help me put the need for resolution and reconciliation over all my selfish desires.” I am struggling with my husband’s reluctance to admit the emotional damage he has caused. With God’s guidance I am trying to do my part to listen to His plan, not care so much for his shortcomings and let go of the rest. Letting go is the hardest thing! Thank you for your inspiration!

  406. Tanya

    Oh, how all the questions hit close to home! I have to admit that question 3 is probably the one that hurts the most. It seems like if I would stop to think about this question before reacting to my children, it would make a huge difference!

  407. Kristin

    Questions 2 & 3 really got to me.
    My heart needs to be softened but thinking someone is watching me definitely pulls me in from my reactions. These questions, I’m going to use them on a daily basis when reacting to my children. I want them to see a reflection of Jesus. Not a crazy over reacting mama.

  408. tj pope

    Question two resonated with me today. I am currently in a conflict with a person with whom I have a hard time finding compassion for and who I feel doesn’t take the time to see my side.

  409. sandra

    All 3 questions hit home with me. I just had an ugly conversation with my wonderful older sister to the point that I felt that I really didn’t care to if I ever say any of my family again. All 3 questions just proved to me that I need to read my Bible more and to be more forgiving of others. I think your book would be very helpful to me in my learning how to control my anger and have better conversations without hurting someone’s feelings

  410. Sandra Ochoa

    By far, question 3 resonated with me. As a police officer, expected to be the professional in EVERY situation, I must always consider how my words and actions will be construed by the public. But I must say that imagining how the people I love would react puts another soon on it. Every encounter is it’s own battle. Thank you for arming me with more ways to consider and control these any all situations.

  411. Debbie

    All 3 but number 3 the most. OMGoodness if I could remember that, things would be a lot different in my reactions. Lord, help me to remember you are standing with me.

  412. Julie Clooney

    Thank you for this post. I needed it today. I have been praying a lot on how to handle a conflict I have with my brother. It has been an ongoing issue for the past few years. I know I need to address it so I can remove the bitterness and anger about it from my heart, but instead I have been dodging it. This has allowed my heart to harden against this issue. The question you posed that really struck me today is “How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react?” That is really hard for me to do when I focus on the deceit and betrayal I feel from him. It becomes much easier to do when I focus on the love I feel for him and my desire for the people I love to be happy. What makes him happy in this situation may not be what seems fair to me, but I need to see it from his perspective. Only if I am truly able to look from his viewpoint will I be able to see a way clear to resolve this conflict peacefully and lovingly. Thank you again!

  413. Becky

    All of the questions and answers were appropriate for me, but especially #2. I really have to work on softening towards those I am in conflict with. I try to avoid conflict so that by the time I do respond it has escalated, at least in my mind so that I tend to overreact. Thank you for your observations and suggestions. May God bless and keep you and yours today and everyday
    Becky McK

  414. Ann Hargis

    I find all three questions to be a God send! I had a terrible argument with my daughter-in-law just this past Monday night. I hung up the phone very upset, and knowing I had said things to hurt her in response to her saying things to hurt me..When I hung up I was totally confused as to what just happened. I love her, and felt as though I was having an out of body experience. When I saw this on Facebook, I knew it was God’s response to my attitude, and my attitude had to change. These three questions changed it all for me. I called my daughter in law, asked for her forgiveness, and said I would do everything I can to change the part of me that was offensive to her. God is in control, and I have learned so much, just reading your three questions…Thank you so much!

  415. Sandy

    The question that was the most meaningful for me was “What part of this conflict can I own and apologize for?” I’ve never approached a conflict in this way – usually I’m trying to figure out how to explain how “right” I am, so they can understand how “wrong” they are. I’m trying very hard to be better at conflict solving this year and will try to put this method into effect this year. Thanks for your helpful advice, as always.

  416. Jennlynn

    #2 – I so often want them to understand my hurt and pain… so they’ll apologize for inflicting it. But what if I stopped being so concerned about myself and more concerned about them and their heart?

  417. Kay

    Lysa, I want to thank you so much for your post and blogs. They have really helped me the past few weeks. See I was let go from my job after 18 years on Jan. 9th. My family, friends and I do not agree with the harsh punishment but I’ve been trying to look at it in a different way. I really like the question #2 Proverbs 29:23. It will help me in the future when I’m in a middle of a conflict. I’ve also learned a quite a few times you should never think something will never happen to you. Never say never.

  418. Robyn

    I would have to say as the tears run down my face that number 2 really hits me. I have worked so hard to soften my heart to someone that has hurt me terribly. My own mother keeps telling me I shouldn’t let them get away with it and others just can’t believe that I am doing nothing. But I am I am trying so hard to let God just wash over me and this situation. I am trying so hard to just soften my heart because I know that they lash out at me because they are hurting. To swallow your pride and do what you know is right in your heart is not easy. I will have to read this book also it sounds like just what I need. Thank you for sharing your talent with us and ministering to us with your words

  419. Susan Sarver

    Lysa, thank you so much for these helpful tips. Tip #1 is very helpful and I have managed ONE time in my life to use this one. A friend sent a long litany of complaints. After praying, I took responsibility for the couple of items that I felt God convicting me of…I apologized. She e-mailed back and said she had decided to take me back as a friend, I decided it was an unhealthy relationship (my family had been trying to tell me that for years!) I felt totally at peace with the ending. Very unusual for me. Praise God!

  420. Halona Luna

    I guess the one that hits me hard is two. How can I soften my heart & my response to honor them despite how they react. I have a 15 yr old daughter that I constantly battle with daily. Even though we have been a blended family for several years we still fight like oil and water. It is my daily hope and prayer.

  421. Brittany

    Number 2 is definitely the most challenging one for me! It is so difficult to respect and honor those who have hurt you. Definitely a reminder of how different it is to handle conflict God’s way instead of the way of the world.

  422. Juanita

    Wow you really got me #3! How many time have I reacted badly? To numerous to count! Especially when it comes to the people I love the most, my family. Tears well up in my eyes as I think about how I have hurt them over and over again and each time they take me back. I can’t imagine the reaction if my over reactions were played for all to see. Recently, in our church a new member went to the front of the church and told his story, I will call him Peter. Peter stood in front of all of us and went on to tell us the story of his last few years abusing alcohol, drugs and and many other things that he was not proud of. In the end the whole congregation was in tears as he told us how at home he now felt with us and how our love and support was seeing him thru. After the service I went to him and gave him a huge hug. Peter I said……….if only you could see and hear what we all do behind closed doors……..I am so glad that you are seeing hope at work here. Lysa thank you for making us look at ourselves and realize that there is work to be done each and everyday! You are such a blessing!

  423. Rosa

    There are so many things I need to straighten out in my spiritual life, that I feel all three questions speak to me. I will make my homework to obtain and read your book catefully. Seems to me this woyld be a good start, a new beginn

  424. Amanda Holland

    All three points hit home, but #2 the most. It’s such a hard thing to try to see people through Jesus’ eyes, and see how much hurt everyone is walking around with, especially when we get so caught up in our own hurts and disappointments. I will make more effort to stop and breathe and ask myself what that other person could have gone through or be going through and shower them with understanding and love. It will also help me to not take things so personally…sometimes other people are just having an off day and they may not even realize the impact they have on my feelings. Thanks again, I so hope to get a copy of your book very soon!

  425. Dustie

    How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react?

    This is something that I’ve struggled with. This whole blog post really spoke to me today. Thank you!

  426. Maria G

    The first question, “What part of this issue can I own and apologize for?”
    I have found that when I look at me first and my part in anything, that I am reminded of the grace God’s shows me through my dealings with others. There has to have been times that I have offended someone and not been aware of it, but because of our friendship or close relationship, they have found a way to overlook my offense and care more about our unity than being right or insisting on being understood.

  427. Nikki

    I think that the question 3, I won’t want to see myself acting anyway that would make me cringe so I definitely would not want anyone I respect to see it. I am actually reading through Unglued right now and using the devotional as well and am loving it. If I won a copy it would be great to give a friend.

  428. Rachel

    Love the quote, “Hurt people hurt people.” Number three made me think – I am so embarrassed when I think of how I react to my kids mostly.”

  429. Brenda

    I feel like I have been going thru that mid life what in the world is wrong with me phase. At least I am hoping its a phase. These questions are so good for me. Thanks. Blessing on you ministery!

  430. norita

    #2 hit me and I thought of my daughter who seems to always get under my skin by her disobedience. As a parent, you want to make sure your kids respect you, and it is sometimes hard to see they might be hurting or there might be other needs not being met. It will help me pause and think how to respond before reacting.
    Thank you,

  431. Lynn

    I’d say all three hit me….
    But calming myself to honor no matter who they are hit me hardest.
    Also the thought if someone watching my responses the ugly part if my arguement would do me in
    Especially at church ….THANKU

  432. Dawn K

    This has been a topic that keeps coming up in my circles of friends. Thank you Lysa for the reminder to pay attention and live intentionally.

  433. Yolanda gonzalez

    Question1- to be accountable for my part, claiming ownership has been very new to me. I thought the person who wronged me was a one man show. It turns out that I have a pivotal role to play. Claiming my part of the reaction shows me that I can trust God to repair the damage I brought on. It’s shows the other person that I am accountable.

  434. Patty Bowlin

    I don’t have one specific question here that spoke to me.. I would say that your whole post was what I needed to hear, and God spoke to me through it all.. thank you for sharing and being used of God to speak His word and remind of of what we need to practice daily toward others to be a testimony of God’s grace. I need to print this out and read if often. Again thank you!
    In His service, Patty Bowlin.

  435. Martha Cunningham

    #2 is important for me to remember. I try to keep in mind, “Hurt people hurt people.” I know details of most of my friends’ lives and where they have been wind and suffered deep pain. I don’t want to be the cause of additional pain or to deepen present pain for anyone, friend or foe.

  436. Christa

    Question 3 wow and ouch!!!

  437. connie

    #2 because it makes me think ” how would I want that person to act toward me?” so I should treat them how I want to be treated.

  438. Jennifer

    Question #2… Our extended family is a mess. With so many not saved and so many hurt pasts their reactions can be extreme and in turn I let it push me to my limit and then my response is nothing to be proud of! God can never be seen in me with these reactions- I’ll never be a witness or a light to them without changing this response. “The lowly in spirit gain honor…” Reminds me -whose approval am I trying to gain mans or Gods? I need to hold myself more accountable in this area. Thank you.

  439. Christina

    Number 3 really got me because it’s what I’ve recently learned lately and have been trying to do. I tend to forget other people are going through their own issues and past hurts. When I get mad at my boyfriend for example, I selfishly focus on my own hurt or frustration and disregard what he could be going through. He’s had a rough childhood, and I need to constantly remind myself that I, of all people, shouldn’t add onto the hurt he already has received from people who were supposed to show him love, his family. I love him very much, and I definitely don’t want to treat him the same way his family does when they’re angry. I’m trying to steer away from that direction because I was headed toward it…

  440. Debby

    All 3 questions resonated in stereo with me! My husband and I are currently separated after almost 23 years of marriage and though we try to be civil and friendly, there is an occasional flare of anger. I was taught very young not to say things you do not mean and to not say things just to intentionally hurt someone. This is sometimes a difficult thing to remember when standing before someone who is doing that to you. I have a lot of resentment and we are attempting to work through it with counseling. But these questions help me to remember not to add fuel to the fire and my negative reactions will only serve to displease God.

  441. Dee

    #2 because you mentioned that “hurt people, hurt people.” This is the second time is 2 days someone has brought this to my attention! I wonder if God is trying to tell me something! 😉

  442. Liza

    Question #2 spoke to me about softening my heart for the other person. There are so many times that I have been unpleased with my reactions and at those times I can remember it would be out this world for me to own anything part of the problem that isn’t mine or care less who sees or hears. but only in the heat of the moment. I truly believe that if I can soften my heart first then my reaction would be different. definitely need this book! got a teenager!

  443. Jeani

    Im embarrased to admit it but my family lives in the Reaction Long Term Regret. We all need to consider our actions before they happen and eliminate this!

  444. Kim

    Sadly,#3 because it shouldn’t matter who’s watching if we always behave respectfully.

  445. Amy Stapleton

    #3…boy would that change our actions! Thanks for sharing. …needed it this week!

  446. yolanda

    My conversations are always recorded at job. When I have customers screaming at me. I told them that if they continue screaming I will hung up the phone. But let me tell you sometimes I get caught not following my steps and get angry too. Then God softly bring me to conviction.

  447. Jacqueline Hill

    #1 & #2!!!!!!!

  448. Jacqueline Hill

    I needed this tonight! I have a horrible time with this and am currently working on using self control. I love your enthusiasm Lysa! I love that ypu speak about things that each one of us struggle with! Thsnks for your encouragement.

  449. Deborah Perry

    I think the question that hit me the most would be #3. Mainly because I have 3 boys that watch my every move and I want to be the mother that they turn to in trust and confidence knowing my reaction is going to be logical and biblical.

  450. Simone

    Question 2 for me. The time I come unglued is when I’d rather be right than happy! And it’s still way too much of the time.
    Lisa, praise God I found your site yesterday . I’m a christian, sober in AA and am on the way back from a very dark place when it comes to food. I plan to ask my church if they would buy the resources for me to lead a group of women – no better way to grow in this area, right?

    On a different note: on the Tell Your Friends page of your site, one of the prepared tweets (has the word “clue” in it) does not make sense to me. Maybe cos I’m new. God bless x

  451. Toni Taylor

    I personally like question #2. It is so hard for me to honor the person that I am having a conflict with. I recently went through this with a very good friend of mine. I was terribly hurt by a friend of hers that said some hurtful things to me and made me mistrust my friend. I so wish that I would have used a different approach on how I handled the situation. I don’t think that I honored my friend by the way that I handled it. I am thankful that we resolved the conflict but am sad that it has caused a shift in our relationship.

  452. Pam

    #2 a situation at work has occurred and I find it hard to go to work with people who have tried to cause you hurt. I try to just pray for them but it doesn’t make it an easy day at work.

  453. Susie

    # 3 makes me sit up straighter! My dad was in sales and he always said to put a mirror in front of you when you spoke on the phone. Just looking at your expression, smiling etc., makes a difference in your tone and and how you come across on the call. As a mom, I would’ve hated to see a video of myself with my boys sometimes. Keeping that thought in my mind will make a difference in my choices and behavior!

  454. Kelly

    Number 1

  455. Tracy Jackson

    I think #3 most stood out to me. Sometimes I can come across in a way I didn’t intend to and if I watched the replay in the video I probably wouldn’t like it sometimes. This book would be awesome to read so I could learn more and apply it when I’m having the conversations with my people at work and in ministry

  456. Tori Knight

    Convicted by the “Who’s watching?” Wow…

  457. Kim Heaton

    #3. We should all talk to others like it’s being video taped. Sometimes we don’t know how bad we sound. I want to be Christ like in my life

  458. angela

    Question #3 was a biiiig eye opener for me. I am the type that when conflicts shows up I am all ready to prove everyone wrong and fight for what I see is right. Unfortunately I do not think that I would be very proud to hear what God has to say to me after I have tried to resolve a conflict my way. It makes me think, who am I trying to impress really, myself or God?….

  459. Nanci D

    If I knew the conversation was being recorded for others to hear, how would my words be different?” I pray to remember this every time I speak. What a difference it will make in my responses.

  460. Pam Everhart

    #3. If I had to be totally transparent that is the one. If the people I truly respect and look up to SAW my reactions, I would be mortified!

  461. Donna

    What part do I own and apologize for

  462. Kathleen Ryan Sargent

    How would my reaction differ if I were being taped is a fantastic way to slow down my response time! Thanks!

  463. Beverley

    OUCH! This one stings and is reminiscent of a conversation I had with my mom a few weeks ago. I finally had it with her walking all over me and stood up to her, actually yelled at her for the first time in all my life, and I didn’t back down when she tried to be more assertive than me. Living with family is hard, but with parents, it’s even harder, especially when you are an adult and they still insist on treating you like a child. Later on I went to talk to her and found her in tears and penitent, almost repentant, but still trying to cling to the some power over me. For now, #1 was the only thing I could bring myself to do. I apologized for yelling at her and we talked some about what had brought me to that point. #2 is painful still because she refuses to acknowledge her part and even though she promised to change, just a few days ago she did it again…treats me like a child and makes decisions without asking or consulting me that severely impact my family’s life, then she acts like there is nothing wrong and that she has every right to do that. #3 is painful when I think about it, though some people would say I put up with too much crap from her, while others would say I need to be kinder to her; it is a struggle to balance both of these, because what I know and what I feel like doing, especially in the moment, clash and it is something I really have to work on.

  464. SharonQ

    Question #3. Very, very humbling!!

  465. Malissa Gates

    Number 2 would definitely be my struggle. So hard to handle others negativity!

  466. Melissa

    Definitely #3. I’m sure my reactions would change to a lot of things if I thought about this first. Seriously thought provoking!

  467. Debbie

    The third question regarding my reaction being video taped and replayed for people I respected gave me pause because I definitely need to to buffer my reactions!

  468. Nicole

    Really needed this today…had an incident last week that I could have possibly avoided if I had only thought…GREAT ADVICE!!

  469. Wendy

    I love #1! Hurt people hurt people really resonated with me! I’ve been really dealing with anger, bitterness & resentment and asking God to free me from it! Even if I don’t win this book, you can bet I’ll be reading it SOON! Thank you for writing it!

  470. Michal Herrington

    Question #2…If I can remember to honor the other person, then I’m not thinking so much of myself. That’s always a good thing.

  471. Gail

    #3 – such an important reminder that the Lord sees and hears all. But they’re all important. As “an ambassador of Christ” I need to think carefully about the words that leave my mouth. Great article – thank you!

  472. Kathy Leavitt

    #1. I think it’s very important to remember to own my part in the conflict. It is always easier to blame someone else and maybe by starting off owning my part, it will be so much easier to out #2 and #3 into play. Wouldn’t it be amazing if everyone followed this?

  473. Tammy

    definitely #3…. Oh wow! that just drives it home! I will definitely be making better strides at engaging my brain before my mouth! Thanks 🙂

  474. Melanie Patterson

    Question #3 because I often forget that my Lord Jesus is watching and is often very sad for me and those I hurt. He has been asking me to read this book for some time now. If I am not selected to receive one, I promise to buy one and be obedient. Thank you for your love for women.

  475. Sarah

    Wow! Number one is a big one. I tend to think I have all the answers and am never wrong. This is a large problem for me and its really effected my marriage. I will be putting up post-its with your 3 questions in a few places. Thank you for sharing this with us.

  476. Meeshia Halverson

    I think for me, using the 3rd question would greatly impact the other 2 questions. When I can slow down long enough to really think about how does my response look to others “outside” of this situation, it would force me to look at what is going on differently than my own feelings and thoughts.

  477. Kara

    I can clearly so I need to practice all three but #2 most got me because there is one individual that I expect to battle with at every conversation and if I can adjust my attitude and heart toward them I might be able to avoid or head off the battle. Pray for me to grow in this area.

  478. Darlene

    #3 resonated most with me. Sometimes I am quick to react, and if I had to watch a “rerun” of my reactions, I would probably stop and think first.

  479. Angela Kauffman

    All 3 are excellent! I just went through something so similar to this situation! As in every situation know rber handles things perfectly, but for me I will be using all three of these before I speak! That way I willbe more cconsiderate and caring in my actions and words! Thank you souch for posting this just in time to help me through this difficult time!

  480. Donna Earlywine

    Question #3 resonates the most with me. I want my reactions to always be pleasing to God and not something I have to be ashamed of.

  481. Robyn May

    Question 2-Isn’t this what it means to be a Christian? We must put on love and choose to love others despite what is going on. We might be the only Jesus people ever meet.

  482. Joy bracero

    #2 question is my hardest to overcome because my flesh says who cares what they are dealing or have delt with I have feelings too, But I know that’s not a heart of Jesus and I need to work on this “break my heart for what breaks yours.”

  483. Robyn May

    Question 2-Isn’t this what it means to be a Christian? We must put on love and choose to love others despite what is going on. We must offer the same grace that we receive.

  484. Jessica

    Oh,number 3 for sure! How WOULD I feel if those ‘videos’ of bad reactions were shown in church? It helps to remember to hold myself accountable and pray for patience and response time before I open my mouth. Something I definitely need to work on! Great post!

  485. Jackie Seals

    #3…I need to post this at my desk and read it everyday!

  486. Annie

    Questions 2 & 3 got me too. I recently had a huge conflict with my family, and I wish I had a softer heart towards them.
    I think reacting calmly is always hard, but imagining your bring taped might help curb it some.
    I need this book.

  487. Tknesha James

    Thank you for this post, just the words I needed while I work through a conflict I recently had with friend. Number 3 is so extremely powerful, I’m definitely going to apply it in the future.

  488. Debbie Robitaille

    Question 3 especially. Even I wouldn’t be videotaped in real life, but knowing I do have watchful eyes watching my reactions and being that model to them—my 3 boys, and especially Jesus. I needed this today.

  489. Shelly Sczechowski

    The question that resonated most with me is softening my heart towards the other person….I am having a hard time in a relationship right now and this question made me stop and think about it from the other persons side as well.

  490. JILL

    The third especially hit for me.I fail over and over again, getting drawn in when I need to check my words and remember He is standing right there not just seeing my response but also to call on for help in those difficult times.

  491. Jennifer

    Number 3 is the question that I seem to relate to the most. Even though I know Christ is always with me, I do sometimes forgot and say things that I would not say if I remembered he is always listening.

  492. Elizabeth

    I really connect with question 2 because a fight with my step mom is a losing battle. I try to remind myself that her reactions that seem so unexplainable stem from her brokenness and her pain. It helps to remember this when I deal with her.

  493. Tiffany Wilmoth

    How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react?

    This is super hard for me, but something I have been trying to overcome lately.

  494. Nancy Kelly

    Great points. I think I’m going to print it and put it on my fridge with other helpful hints for me, and my family, to learn. Thanks!

  495. Nancy Kelly

    Great points. I think I’m going to print it and put it on my refridgerator with other helpful hints for me, and my family, to learn. Thanks!

  496. Stacey Gibson

    All three questions great! I plan to begin using them and I pray I can follow through. Question #2 is one I needed to hear and hits my heart in a heavy way – definitely something I need to work on. Thank you.

  497. Tina

    The second question was the one that really spoke to me: “How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react?” I definitely need to work on this one (OK, I really need to work on all 3!). Thank for you for this great advice!

  498. Christy Horne

    All three questions really struck a chord. All conflict I seem to have is because of me. I am hurting therefore I take out my hurt on others. My mood is the main cause of my conflict. I am bipolar manic depressive and I find that I cause a lot of conflict because I put up this wall that is stubborn, hateful, saddened, lonely, depressed. So people automatically become defensive because of the mood I am in. Therefore I become defensive and it causes conflict. Amongst this conflict my daughter sees every single bit of it, it seems even when I am trying to shield it from her, she still sees it cause it is on my face, it is in my body language. So I am hurting everyone around me. It is something I am trying to change about myself cause all it leaves me is hurt, which is what starts my cycle of conflict. I am tired of being this person.

  499. Mary Ann Burris

    Question #2

  500. Colleen

    Question #1 really helped me think about my emotional response to a conflict. Generally people think that they are right and the other person is wrong. I need to own up to my part in a conflict, no matter how big or small. If I can open my heart and find forgiveness for the other person, than I hope they can as well for me. Conflicts are so often fueled by emotion. Taking away the anger by forgiving will help when discussing the issue and hopefully help to resolve the conflict.

  501. Deb brothers

    Coming into it calmer. They all had a touch of truth in how I was n how I’m still working on it. But getting better.

  502. Melissa

    #3!!!! I have gotten better but I can think of past times where I have over reacted and not been Godly in my actions. I would be horrified if someone saw those times!

  503. Robin

    #2 is the hardest for me. This Is so necessary to move past any conflict

  504. Donna

    Oh my gosh! Questions 2 and 3 rang a little bell in my heart! If it is someone in your life whom you truly loved it is a bit easier to soften your heart towards them. However, if it is someone you have had trouble loving from the beginning, this just makes it harder! I would have to search my heart and look at their service. As far as question 3, I would be so embarrassed! I have a tendency to be soft spoken and folds can’t hear me. So when I am asked to repeat myself I sure I sound harsh trying to make myself heard. That would be a very red faced me sitting in the congregation!

  505. Belinda Self

    Great insight that comes with age and maturity for many. Wish this was instinct.

  506. Lauren

    Number 2! I have found myself realizing this about others when they hurt me. Whatever they are upset about is usually not necessarily about me but a past hurt. Thank you for this!

  507. Deanna Bonn

    Number 2…How can I soften my heart towards this person and honor them despite my reaction? This is important in peacemaking because you take the focus off of yourself and differ to the other. When this happens you can see the truth of the matter and realize it’s not about you or your feelings. This in turns shows how to build a bridge between the two parties and resolve the issue, forgiveness can be given and love prevails.

  508. Heather Wager

    Number 3. Ouch that one hurt. I tend to let my frustrations build up because I won’t blow up at work. But then I take it out on my family, “behind closed doors”. I wouldn’t react so badly if I had an audience. Need to think of the the next time I’m about to lose my cool with my kids.

  509. Susan Harkleroad

    #1 is my challenge. Not to admit my own part or even to apologize its the response I may get that could spiral me right back to the beginning. Im definitely a work in progress..thank you Jesus for guiding, directing & reminding me you’re not finished with me yet♥

  510. Holly Toms

    I would have to say question 2… How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react?

    I share kids with my ex who was abusive, so I need to learn how to do this for my children’s sake.

  511. Pat Cook

    #2. To some I am the only Christian they know and I have to remember I am a reflection of Jesus when I respond to them.

  512. Amanda hattabaugh

    Honestly, I needed ALL THREE but choosing one…number 1.

  513. Dawn Robotham

    #3 Wow, if I could remember that Jesus is watching me, would I react differently? I don’t even realize how I sound unless my husband says something.

  514. Sarah

    Question #1-

    What spoke to me the most, and probably the life verse I need to adopt for my marriage is the verse you presented from Proverbs; “A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.” I can be so hard-headed sometimes (most the time) whenever there’s a heated moment between my husband and I. I’ve acknowledged that I turn into the epitome of the quarrelsome wife and however I’ve had a difficult time seeing my sin for what it is, and owning it and apologizing to my husband for this and seeking forgiveness. I’ve been more harsh and less gentle. Fortunately enough I have a loving and forgiving husband and a loving and forgiving God. Last Sunday our sermon was about how we react in our hurt when others have offended us and that it’s in our sinful nature to react sinfully, but rather than let our hurt control our reaction, we need to understand everything is part of God’s sovereign plan and I need to react with gentleness, react with love, react in Christ-like mercy and compassion. Thank you so much for adding to this lesson I’m learning.

  515. Andrea

    The question about being recorded hit home with me. To think even being watched by children makes my response more gracious. Thank you for the wonderful post! I would love to read Unglued.

  516. Vicki Cook

    I think the second one. How can I soften to this person? Approach them with a softer attitude and try to see their side. Whether or not if they try the same. I put up my defenses to quickly. I need to back up and see the person and issue from a new point of view.

  517. Rachel

    Question #2 is difficult for me. If I am upset with someone and resentful, it is difficult for me to do or say anything nice for/to this person. How can I be right with God until I get right with my brother?

  518. Tonja

    #2 – Hurt people hurt people

    I repeat that to myself when things get heated so that I’ll be reminded that it’s not about me.

  519. Vicki

    They all 3 spoke to me but two touched me. Softening my heart towards someone to honor them. That is hard to do. We are commanded to do this. When our heart is softened we will capable of handling the situation much better. I do have people in my life heart needs to be softened. I need ti be in continual prayer about this. Thank for reminding me of this .

  520. Brandy

    I have lived the consequences of not doing this for over a year! Still praying for God to redeem.

  521. Cynfa

    Question #2 is the one I struggle with most. My flesh doesn’t want to honor or extend grace in the midst of conflict, but rather prefers to exalt myself. Through the strength of the Holy Spirit, I can see people differently and with compassion. Thank you for this post.

  522. Angela

    All the questions are helpful, but I’d say #2 hit home the most…empathy goes a long way.

  523. Amanda Edwards

    Question 2 for me. My husband and i got into a heated argument and Im not really wanting to be around him even though we apologized. Im having a hard time with forgiving him and therefore my heart is hardened toward him 🙁

  524. Nina

    Question 2 is excellent. When we keep in mind that others are hurting and struggling too, it is easier to extend mercy toward them! Thank you for your ministry!

  525. Abby

    All of these hit home with me for a difficult relationship I’m dealing with. This person will be in my life no matter what, and I know I need to change so my responses are honoring to God, even if they never change. Great post!

  526. Steph

    All three spoke to me. Work right now is very hard. My manager is out to get me because of what I stand for. They are so dishonest and try to make you take the blame. I keep praying for them. The verses remind me of what I need to remember and where to keep my focus. Some days are hard when you need your job. Thanks Lysa. 🙂

  527. Jamie

    I love #2. Perspective is a powerful thing! Understanding that a person reacts from their experience, and being given a chance to change their experience is powerful!

  528. Cathy

    # 2
    This is an area I really need to grow in ….
    To help me find inner peace….
    Much needed words tonite ….. Thank you ….

  529. Joy Winebarger

    Thank you so much for sharing the 3 questions. It was perfect timing & exactly what I needed. I have been praying for God to change me & I have really been struggling with improving my reaction to others who hurt me. I really think this will lead me in the right direction. I loved all the questions. # 2 is a difficult one, but I think #3 (my fav) is one that will be a turning point for me. If I envision Jesus standing there is the midst of a conflict, I think my reaction would be different, softer, less angry. I will also be working on forgiveness. Another difficult one for me. Prayers appreciated.

  530. Joanne Boston

    Definitely #2. I often forget about “walking a mile in someone else’s shoes.”

  531. Cathy

    Question 2 would be the hardest for me ( if I must chose). I really have a problem with not having an attitude of grace towards someone I have a problem with. I have been learning to soften my attitude by having my mother and mother-in-law living with us. I must show grace with every response and even non response I give to emit God’s love to them as they are very opinionated and self-righteous in their responses and outlook in everything. I pray God’s grace is sufficient for me continuously throughout the day.

  532. Kelli

    I cannot tell you how much I needed this post today. My reactions to / toward my husband in front of our daughters is on my heart & has been for a while. I am praying that I hold my tongue, think before I speak, and just love… So #2 is resonating for me tonight — I need to think about how I can still honor him as my partner during our conflicts. Thank you for your words and ministry!!

  533. Kathy Bailey

    I was challenged by #3. Sometimes I raise my voice when frustrated, but I also tend to be an eye roller.

  534. Casey K

    I reasonate the first question. I argue with my mother more than anyone else. Because she’s my mom and we both know each other’s faults, it is just so easy to pick a fight with her about anything. She is very critical of me and it is very hurtful and when I’m hurt by her, I lash out. I need to take time to think how she thinks and understand why she feels the way she does about my situation. I need to be patient and prepare spiritually and mentally for our conversations. Thanks lysa!

  535. Nicole Sansom

    Question number 2 really resonated with me. When I have a conflict with someone the last thing I think about is having com

    • Kathy Bartelt

      This strikes home with me in more ways than one. I’m dealing with hard feelings and anger toward a loved one. I have a feeling #3 would probably embarrass me into making some seriously needed attitude changes. I’ve been working on #2 yet all too often it seems to quickly turn into a battle of who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s a vicious cycle. One l despise. I know The Lord is teaching me about unconditional love and forgiveness. I just wish I’d ‘get it’. Lord, have mercy on me!

  536. Gina McGowan Cade

    Great advice. I was just involved in a conflict that really caught me off guard. I had no idea that the other person involved was feeling the way the were. As you said earlier, hurt people hurt people, and she is hurting from the death of her child. This was my reason for being as close to her as I had been for support. I am handling the situation cautiously. Not physically being there anymore but by text, phone, and email only and this has been limited as well.
    Question #3. If I knew this conversation was being video taped and then shown to people I greatly respect, how would this change my reaction? You went on to say My Jesus is watching. He has the big picture. He even sees our heart, our desires, those things we dare not admit, He knows already. Thanks for bringing this to the big screen of my mind.
    Posted in my cubicle area from Nov. 1, 2013 is “Small Straws In a Soft Wind” by Marsha Burns. It reads “Things are not always as they seem. Take care not to presume or make assumptions based on what you see or don’t see. This will only lead you down the path of error and inappropriate mental and emotional responses. Rest in what you know to be reality both in the spiritual realm and in the natural ralm. Maintain and protect your faith in Me, says the Lord. I will lead you in the way of truth. Psalms 19:13. The night before on October 31 I was upset and assumed the worst. The Lord sent me His word to calm me down and to settle my spirit for other times that will come my way. Again, great post. Thank you!

  537. Melinda H

    I need all three questions, but number two resonates the most. I’m in the middle of a huge conflict with my sister, and I don’t know how I would even begin to answer number two.

  538. Kristen

    I found them all helpful but #3 made me think about how I want others to see me. I have two boys & want to make sure I set a good example for them.

  539. Carrie

    I so wish I would have seen this yesterday. My argument with my sister was much of what you described. The question that touched my heart the most was “what if it was being video taped?” While I am trying to change my heart and mind, I still make mistakes. Thank you for this enlightenment.

  540. Meesh

    The third question hit me the hardest. That is a good one to remember not just during conflicts but at any time during the day – especially when temptations knocks.
    Thanks for these!

  541. Karen

    The first question of knowing what part I own is the most helpful for me. If I can see what I did to contribute to a situation then I can be less judgemental of others any more willing to forgive.

  542. Diane Turner

    #3 makes me stop to think who is watching.

  543. Jennifer

    All of them rang true for me. 🙁 Especially timely tonight!

  544. Brooke

    I have a quick flash large explosion temper/reaction. I tend to scream first and reason later. So for me #3 hits home. Who is watching me? My kids, an unsaved person who needs to see Jesus, the children I teach in Sunday school? While I need to show Jesus to all of those people chances are they will not see every incident. But God does and His view is most important. Thank you for excellent word on learning to control my reactions!

  545. Charity

    Wow. Just thank you. Really needed this tonight. And #2 is where I got my conviction. Have read your book before from my library but need to get it and read it again. Thank you!!

  546. Kelly

    Thank you….it is such a human expectation to prove that we are right. God’s Word hidden in our heart can speak to us during times of conflict. Thank you for reminding me.

  547. Cindy

    #1 was the question that most resonated with me because I’m learning, after facing many difficult situations, how peace-giving it is to clear my heart before God. If I’ve wronged or hurt someone I want God to show me, immediately, what I can or need to do to bring peace between Christ Nd myself, and hopefully the individual I hurt. Thank you for this post!!! I’m going through a trying place right now, and I am desperately seeking God’s Face for wisdom so I won’t have to “fix” anything afterward. ❤️

  548. Missi Gootee

    Hi. Thanks so much for sharing. Its so hard in the heat of the moment to be mindful of our thoughts and reactions to our thoughts.. This is something I’ve been working on for a steady year now. I’ve come a long way and still have a long way to go. Little by little.. The most comfort I get from times if adversity is knowing, I am not alone. Jesus is right there to hold my hand, he will never leave nor forsake me.. I will not be shaken. To me the first question is the most important, and the scripture to support it even more so! I will continue to work on being mindful of my thoughts and words, to walk in love, with confidence in who I am through Christ simply because I can do all things through HIM who strengthens me. Great share, I bet you book will be a great source for those in need!!!!

  549. Brandi B.

    I REALLY like question #3….If I knew this conversation was being video taped and then shown to people I greatly respect, how would this change my reaction?

  550. Carla

    Question #3 gives me pause because I have always known what my intention is from the inside of me but could never figure out why my intention was not perceived or understood by those observing me. I have compromised many relationships because my intention was the driving force for me, and my presentation was the driving away of my companion. whether spouse or son or friend or potential friend. Like a football player watches game tapes to improve his skill, so I need to review my game plays to see what the heck I’m doing or saying to repel those I want to be in relationship with. God is a gentleman and will not shame me but His correction will be easy to hear. Father, please show me me.

  551. Stephanie

    My daughter and I both read and discussed this together and agree that all three questions spoke to us. There has been a great deal of conflict in our home with different family members and we have been praying for grace to respond well instead of reacting. We also agree that the scriptures listed are ones we will memorize! Thank you for your timely message!

  552. Jackie

    I want to thank you so much for this post. My stepdaughter is an adult with a daughter of her own. We love them both, but she is always creating drama. I need #2 in the worst way. I don’t want to react to her any longer but for God’s love to shine through me.

  553. Jamie Leigh

    Question 3 will stick with me. I have a 2 year old daughter that does witness my reactions good and bad. I want to be a good role model of a Godly woman for her.

  554. Joan Lambert

    What part of this conflict can I own and apologize for?

    Girl, do I have a huge conflict I’m struggling with! My 3 siblings do not speak to me since I married my 2nd husband after losing my first one to pancreatic cancer. They heard rumors about my new husband and instead of even meeting him, they believed the rumors and won’t have anything to do with either of us. I really don’t know why, and can’t get anyone to speak to me long enough to tell me. I haven’t considered that I’ve don’t something to contribute to the conflict, but your question has definitely made me think about this now. Thank you so much! I truly admire you and the way the Lord is using you to minister to women!

  555. Leah Polasik

    Actually, #1 & #3 spoke the most to me. #1- It’s been way too easy for me to feel like it’s my way or the highway in an argument. I need to realize I’m certainly not always right and my attitude in an argument is not a good reflection of Christ in me. I need to be slow to anger and quick to apologize, accepting responsibility for my behavior. #3 – I would NOT want to see or hear what I sound like in an argument. In my heart I know how awful it can be.

  556. Nicki Ragland

    What if people I really respected were watching this reaction? Jesus is always watching! Oh my, how that resonates, and bites.

  557. Dawn

    3. If I knew this conversation was being video taped and then shown to people I greatly respect, how would this change my reaction?

    WOW! This sure would make me exercise extreme self monitoring of every word.

    It’s sad to realize the implication of my heart skipping a beat when I read that question. I’m sure when I’m told in Gods Word to bring every thought captive that I should have been asking myself this question all along!

    Time to put this one into everyday practice.

  558. Sue Andrews

    Definitely number 2. My son and his wife are separating and trying to keep patient with his silence toward us. We just want him to know we are here to support them and its just silence.

  559. Joyce

    Wow I am dealing with this situation today! How to respond in a Godly fashion is tough! I was thinking about #1 before I read this and although I haven’t apologized I am owning up to my part. #2 is hard hard hard. My selfishness doesn’t want to honor them through my hurt. I want them to hurt too. #3 though has me wanting to make sure I respond in a way that my boys would learn from when they encounter conflict. So that is probably the one that impacted me most b/c I am on camera everytime they watch me react.

  560. audrey

    Number 2. I wish I could remember more that others are hurting not just me. It would make my conversations better.

  561. Karen

    All 3 questions resonate with me but the 3rd one really stands out. I cringe at conversations I’ve had in the past that have luckily not been made public, but if they had been taped, most of my church friends would be shocked at the kind if person I can become under the ‘right’ conditions. Very good questions to keep in mind.

  562. Elizabeth

    I can’t imagine watching myself or worse, having other people watch a video of how I react sometimes. I needed to read this today. Thank you!

  563. Jill Wood

    All of these three just grabbed ahold of me! I struggle with conflict with my in-laws and just in the last year have turned more to God and the bible for guidance, forgiveness, grace, etc… Your words recently have been brought to my attention through Facebook and I truly appreciate every morsel you write for us! Thank you!

  564. Yocelyn Polsgrove

    Question number 2, reminds me that I have to give grace regardless of how I think I am being treated.

  565. Karen Ragone

    Number one and two resonate for me. I’ve had a lot of conflict the past few weeks dealing with a web of lies told to me by my ex husband and the consequences it has on our three kids. I need to realize that he is still healing too and by owning my part in the situation and by softening my heart to his current situation may make for better outcomes for all of us.

  566. Tracie

    The 1st because when I’m upset its hard to see my faults.

  567. Robin Day

    Love all the questions, I struggle with this daily as I have a sandpaper person in my life. Praying that I can change how I handle my conversions with them so I am able to shine for God.

  568. Sunshine

    Wow. This brought me to my knees in humble confession. My husband and I were on the brink of divorce until we decided that we have to work it out. God hates divorce. He put us together for a reason and it’s not our place to rip it apart. Unfortunately, that’s the only thing we agree on and conversations get quite heated. I have reacted harshly and hatefully. Thank you for posting this and reminding me to be gentle. I’m not always right-yes, this was a shocking revelation!

  569. Wendy

    Question # 2 deeply resonated with me: 2. How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react? I wish I had read this yesterday before the fight I had with my significant other. When we have a fight, the LAST thing on my mind is “how can I honor them.” First and foremost on my mind is how can I protect my pride. Your comment “If I can duck below my pride, honor will be my reward” really pierced my heart. Ugh. I knew I was being prideful instead of trying to understand where he was coming from, but I couldn’t seem to stop my mouth. Oh Lord, soften my heart and take away my pride so I can have the right reaction – a reaction I won’t regret later.

  570. krista

    Its very hard to choose just one question because they all bring about good points and areas I surely can work one. I guess I would choose #3 because although we are to be Christ-like and peacemakers, slow to anger and revealing Gods love to others its easier to “justify” within ourselves. If we really realized its our Lord Jesus we are hurting and dishonoring well that would end that behavior immediately!

  571. Linda

    They were are three questions that need to be asked, and for the very reasons you suggested, but the one that touched my heart the deepest, was who is watching. We are witnesses for Christ! I have always heard as a Christian, that we are being watched by the world, you may not think you are, but you are. For this very reason alone, I don’t want to keep someone from wanting to be part of His Body, for something I said or did, and it hurts to think that maybe I already have. So thanks for sharing so I can be reminded and ask my Lord who wants No One to perish, to forgive me and keep me ever under His watchful loving eyes, and have mercy on me by allowing me the privilege to lead souls to faith in Him.

  572. Debbie

    2-I know hurt people hurt people but I forget in the midst of conflict. I need to soft e n my heart towards that person.

  573. Janna Wharton

    I relate to question#2 the most. It is really hard to soften your heart in the moment when you are upset/angry.

  574. Kimberly

    The 3rd question really hit home for me. Ive caught myself reacting to a conflict and wished i hadnt acted that way infront of people. I really want to respond to conflicts in a God like manner…not making a fool of myself.

  575. Cristal Abel

    The question that stood out the most to me was question two. I know a lot of times that most people are reacting because of past experiences but I tend to forget that in the moment. I really need to work on this when dealing with people.

  576. Gracie

    Your second question is one I struggle with. To remember to stop and think about my reaction. I can only control my reactions. It’s definitely a work in progress. Thank you for your thoughts and posts. Seems that so many are exactly what I need to hear.

  577. Ellen

    I had a sandpaper friend but several years ago that friendship came to an end. We were both to blame but neither of us were willing to admit we were wrong. So I would say in that situation #1 was the hardest for me to do. I don’t know why but with my husband and children I can admit wrong doing and apologize. With this particular person though I felt I had been wronged but my reaction to that only kept the fire burning. We did eventually apologize to one another but the once close friendship was no longer able to be salvaged.
    So actually I would have been much better off if I had used #1 & #2 in that situation. Thank you for sharing ways to help us better ourselves. This advice is something we parents can pass on to our childrenand they to theirs. 🙂

  578. Tracie B

    First one, when I’m mad it’s hard for me to stop my mouth and think of what my part is.

  579. Diane

    Is the book available on amazon

  580. Luanne Todd

    The second point really resonated with me. How can I honor them? Something to keep in mind with every conversation.

  581. Ronda

    #2 caused me to stop & think the most ….. What, honor the person I want to “set straight”? But you are so very right!

  582. Brittany

    Number 2… Lordy. My mother is who I have the most conflict with and number 2 is what almost makes my skin crawl to think about doing it. Challenge accepted.

  583. Amy

    #3 was the one that hit home for me. I know I struggle in those other areas as well and seems like I am always asking God for forgiveness when I fail. I wonder if I ask #3 more often that would help!

  584. Vickie Hill

    All three questions really made me think about my reaction to a situation that happened just today. How I responded to rude and loud criticism at work today was to immediately be defensive, try to justify my actions, and to explain why others were also to blame. I see now that I should have immediately owned my part and apologized for it, whether or not others did the same. Thanks for this post and I would love to have your book.

  585. Sarah

    #2 resonates the most. I try to do this, but it is hard to accept some reactions. When I humble myself and apologize, but the other person doesn’t own up to their contribution to the conflict, I feel I’ve been “had.” Thankfully, I know I’m not the only one who has experienced this and I look to certain role models for comfort.

  586. Angela I

    What part of this issue can I own and apologize for? Typically I am responsible for causing a reaction in a situation. Thank God I am a work in [imperfect] progress!

  587. Sarah J

    All of them speak to me but number three speaks the most. God has so lovingly corrected me in situations where I reacted poorly. Praise the Lird for Zhis grace and patience in my life.

  588. Vickie

    #2. Honoring someone, regardless how they react. This includes how I talk about the interaction AFTER conversation is over.

  589. Cathy

    #3…because it really stirs up the possibility of the embarrassment that we should have because our Savior is always watching we should always consider the reaction He would have as well as those people we come face to face with daily. We will soon come face to face with Him!

  590. Mea

    I like all 3 questions, they’re all very challenging but NO. 2 is pretty much the hardest of all. I have been through alot of the No. 2 question situations. I have failed but through some personal analysis especially after when every thing quietens, I get to realise that there is a base issue from which my situation erupted from. Sometimes I wait for peace and forgiveness to approach me but sometimes I make the approach. I know I’m growing in this Grace but I believe your little highlights here has brought me strength and guidance to assess such situations and react positively. Thanks so much and may God continue to dawn upon you many insights, also to extend your borders too…Cheers and blessed day to you.

  591. Patience West

    #3!!! I can tell when other kids are present in my home and I realize I am much kinder and quieter in my response over the same things my own children get my normal for them reaction to. Even if they aren’t in the same room! I have waaay more patience when around others! Sadly…

  592. Bambi

    Wow…all three questions resonate with me…I have so far to go. I really liked your comment, hurt people hurt people…if I can remember that, surely I can alter my responses!

  593. Suezette

    Definitely #3! No doubt in my mind at all. For too long, I’ve struggled with “What will people think of me” and if they could see my reaction, they wouldn’t think to kindly!

  594. Sonya Fox

    The question what if this were being recorded and the reminder that Jesus is ever present really hit home for me. He is always present and with us and this analogy will be one that resonates when conflict arises.

  595. Naomi

    Q.3 If I knew this conversation was being video taped and then shown to people I greatly respect, how would this change my reaction? Seems really that everyone are meant for me, and sometimes I wish I can turn the clock, and erase what I said. Thank u Lysa

  596. Ronnie

    Thank you so much for this message. They all get to me but#’s 2 and 3. Yep, those are definitely hard. Being able to love someone who has hurt you or is hurting you is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. And #3 – just thinking about a bad reaction of mine being up for everyone to see and judge gives me chills. But then like you said, Jesus sees and hears it all. You know, if we’d learn to keep that foremost in our minds – that Jesus really does see and hear everything we say and do – well, this world would be a much nicer place.

  597. Ashley

    The question that really got me thinking was the 3rd. Unfortunately, I need to learn to take a step back and think before I react. We don’t realize how our life IS recorded in the memories through the eyes of our little ones. I have been praying to God that he give me patience and an understanding heart so that I can be a better reflection. Thanks for your post Lysa!

  598. sarah

    Number 2. In the heat of the matter, it’s easy to forget that people are reacting to their issues.. And not me. Also need to remember this when I start reacting.

  599. Heather

    Thank you Lisa for this post, #2 definitely touched my heart , it is difficult to remember to be kind or honor someone that is not honoring me. I also liked thesahinghurt people hurt people, how true this is. I will remember Philippians 4:5 let your gentleness be evident to all, The Lord is near, I know what God calls me to do, I will pray to utilize this.

  600. Amanda Scott

    They are great questions but the one that spoke to me the most was the one about the video tape. God gave us a sprit of self control and I think it’s important to exercise this even when no one is looking as God is still with us and it develops good character in us

  601. Mara

    #3 – my kids are always watching and I want them to see Christ’s love working in me.

  602. Lisa

    Remembering that God is always watching

  603. Alexandra

    The first question resonated with me. I have come to realize there are 3 sides to every conflict. My perspective, the other party’s perspective, and then the truth which only God knows. Being empathetic and trying to understand where the other person is coming from allows me to be compassionate, after all I have been forgiven so much by my King!

  604. Victoria Andrusiek

    For sure #1. I have lately been trying to stop and remind myself I am not always innocent in everything that happens. I need to own up to my part and grow from it. Work in progress! ♡♡

  605. Laura

    They are all great questions. I had never really considered that the person who hurts others is doing so out of their own pain. I will certainly pause and think before lashing out when I find myself on the receiving end of someone else’s pain. Help me Lord to see through the hurt and show your love to others who are in pain.

  606. Trecy M

    #2. I need to soften my heart. It’s not always about me.

  607. Sydney

    I would agree with question one because usually I am already so upset with how I made someone feel or the mistake I made that for anyone else to criticize me, despite my own efforts for beating myself up, puts me in the ground.

  608. Debbie

    I loved all three questions. #1 just happened to me and I quickly apologized taking all the blame.. #2 can be very, very hard because I tend to be caught off guard and end up overreacting. #3 Wow. How embarrassing that would be! I will keep these tips with me and use them as a daily reminder. Thank you for sharing with us all.

  609. Melinda

    Wow.I have had this issue on my mind in the last few weeks because I faced the reality recently that I don’t always handle my emotions well as related to conflict. Lately I have been flying off the handle more easily due to some significant stressors impacting our family. Your 3rd question here stopped me in my tracks. How embarrassing and I hate the example it sets for my kids if they overhear. I am tired of the reaction regret and have been praying about this issue for a couple months now….

  610. cindyg

    Philippians 4:5 reminds us, “Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.”. Calm my storms oh Father! You know them!

  611. Annielou

    # 1 truly convicted me the most, one aspect of reacting badly is that I am being a poor witness for Christ & usually it’s a younger person who isn’t yet “reborn” in Christ & since I am a “new creation” I need to discipline myself to control that tongue! My reaction of focusing on how hurt I am & having a pity party that is so emotional that I can’t stop crying, to the point of making myself sick and mostly non-functional. I can attest that it can make u seriously I’ll, and often damage done to your health stays with u long after the incident & is not ” reversible ” & actually shortens your lifespan. People that have been verbally abused in their past r more fragile , & risk damaging their mental health as well as physical health. Spiritually it steals your joy and peace in The Lord , who teaches “count it all joy” . Also b prepared that others may refuse to discuss the issue, u may never understand why. But is losing that relationship worth insisting it get resolved? Some folks just can’t discuss it, may never have had any example & thus just don’t know how to , (without the drama ). That is when u must turn it over to God , seek the joy & peace He will provide , if u “let go & let God” . Your example can help bring people into the kingdom, showing them the way, doing what Jesus would do , what a great outcome that would be! Your reward will be in heaven

  612. Michelle

    Love the verses in two and three. Been dealing with how my reactions are being observed. When I look back, I’m not proud. And the verse “let your gentleness be evident…” will be my goal! Thank you for this message!

  613. Wendi S

    Number two, that one is always the hardest one to think and act out for me.

  614. Christy Justman

    #2 resonated with me. I got into a confrontation with a coworker who constantly takes everything out on me. I finally had enough and I didn’t handle it as well as I should of.

  615. Rene

    Number 2 spoke to me the most. Every one has hurt.

  616. Carl Bouzaid

    Number 3. Had to apologize to my kids tonight as I put them to bed for the way I reacted to something their mother did. Told them what I did was wrong and that I would be seeking their mummy’s forgiveness. I did. But I shouldn’t have had to. Having my kids “videoing” my home life certainly keeps me honest.

  617. Rakhi McCormick

    The second one is one that I’ve been trying to be more mindful of – if I’m created in His image and a temple of the Holy Spirit, so is the person I’m about to unleash my anger on. It’s hard in the midst of frustration, though!

    The third is also so important. I love your point that Jesus is always with us and watching…not in a creepy way, of course. 🙂

  618. Sheena Hubbard

    All were great thinking questions! However #3 would have me thinking if we all cared what others think which most of us do, then we handled every conversation as if it was being recorded for playback at any given moment. Then maybe we wouldn’t have the need for outside help because we would all have it under control. Recently we have had an issue with the birds and the bees with our 12 year old, we are very old school and family oriented we don’t believe in cell phones and constant electronic devises for our kids we have 4 of them. Reason I’m saying this is we did get our oldest child an electronic for Christmas 2013 and explained the rules and how we use and don’t use the tablet. There were strict restrictions on it only allowing only what we wanted her to be able to open. With all that being said after a month of having it we decided to let her have a Instagram page. After 4 days it was being misused very inappropriate things were about to be posted. Learning these things from outside friends. As involved as we are in the bringing up of our kids we intercepted and when I realized what had happened I had to take a mommy time out if you will. Breather……I asked god lord of all please guide me and give me the strength to handle this in an appropriate manner. I thought back to when I was a kid how I handle it as a mother today is going to make or break the ability to open or close that mother daughter relationship where she’s comfortable talking to me. So needless to say this really hit deep for me. I feel if parents today had a more active role on their kids lives instead of letting you tube or Facebook entertain them and raise them like they were being video taped for the world to see, we might have a better chance at raising more think before you react kind of young adults. Thank you for all you post!

  619. Sharon

    All 3. I’m praying I can be better in situations and react in a better way to things especially the things I have no control over. There are always two sides to a story that’s for sure. Great questions and very helpful. Defiantly makes me stop and think. Thank you Lysa for all your help.

  620. Angie

    Question 3 really touched me!! I hope I can keep this in mind when dealing with conflict in the future.

  621. Lisa Smith

    All 3have meaning to me, but #3 really clicks. When I think back over recent situations I would be very ashamed of some of my actions. My Dad was the best example of this for me and since he passed in 2010, I have tried to be more like him and his example. Can’t say I have always done a good job, but trying.

  622. Julie

    Nice read- I think #3 is best for my life raising 2 small kids and wanting to set the best example for them! Thanks!

  623. Jackie

    This post has me rolling in tears, # 3 is probably the hardest for me, but I really need to work on all three if I want to save the relationship between my son and I. Iddrgswe[ii llkkkkmkki

    • Jackie

      not sure what happened here, but you can delete it.

  624. Diana

    Soften my heart- the past has hardened it and even tho the people in my life truly love me, I find it so hard to accept and keep hurting them.

  625. Jackie

    This post has me rolling in tears, and brought to reality just how bad I need to work on all three of these questions, although number three hits home the hardest for me, ALL three must be worked on if the relationship with my son is going to be saved. Thank you for posting this one, and all your great posts, and please pray for us.

  626. Jane Eakle

    Questions 2 & 3 both hit home. It’s easy to forget the issues others may struggle with, especially if an emotional nerve is hit in me. Focusing on that would be helpful. And it’s so important to remember the Lord is always near, but how quickly I forget in the heat of a moment. Thank you for your inspirations in so many areas.

  627. Aline W

    Question #2 how to soften my heart. When I get angry it’s hard to stop and soften. Many years of hardening my heart makes it hard to soften. I’m working on it though.

  628. jennifer

    #3. Its so convicting for me to realize that how I treat the people I care about depends on if anyone’s watching. Where’s my integrity? Ouch. Thank you for these questions.

  629. Michelle

    I knew when I started reading this blog entry that I needed it desperately! My father is in the beginning stage of Alzheimers and has recently broken his foot. He is struggling to let others help him and do the things he can’t do. He is angry with me as I’ve had to help him and my mother a lot. He is misunderstanding my help as controlling. I’ve been frustrated with him but God has been showing me where I can make changes. The three questions you mentioned are exactly what I need to follow as I help my parents during this difficult time. I had already planned to talk with him today and apologize for where I’ve offended him. Your post will only help me be more effective. I’m also struggling with my tween daughter and the situation has only intensified as I’ve been stressed out helping my parents. I’ve reacted to her with much anger so I need to apply these steps as I interact with her. I’m also starting to read your book Unplugged – very needed in my life! Thanks Lysa for being transparent about your struggles – you don’t know how much it helps me when I read your books & blog. I’m thankful that God is using you to minister to women!

  630. Sherry Lauer

    Thank you for sharing your message. I have been having my share of conflict lately. I find that if I change my response to a gentle reply it takes the wind out of the fight that is brewing. Lessons learned are often worth practicing.

  631. Debbie

    # 3 hit home. I really need to think before I speak. Memorizing all 3 verses. Can’t wait to read book and thinking it would be a great book for my homegroup.

  632. Lisa Anderson

    I am 2 months out of a broken off engagement. I am hurt, resentful, bitter, and saying hurtful things to make my ex fiancé feel the hurt he’s caused me. I know it’s not right but didn’t quite put it into perspective until I read #3. Some of the things I’ve said to him, even if warranted, I would not like my pastor or church family to witness. Thank you for posting this! I have a long way to get past my hurt feelings and have been acting extremely unglued the last few months.

  633. Amanda

    Question #1 resonated with me. I have frustration and passive conflict with my supervisor at work. I try to handle it in a positive manner, especially this year. When I reviewed some past feedback from him the other day – one comment from 3 years ago struck me….it stated something about I could grow in the area of “learning to admit that there might have been a better way to approach an issue/problem” I don’t remember the exact words because now this is how I am viewing it. I need to admit and apologize for my role in an issue and in a conflict. Not only does that help de-escalate, it shows humility and that I am for a solution and not being a “right fighter” which I have always attested I am not, but it looks like my actions were not reflecting that! Thank you, Question #1 hit home on that same issue!

  634. Katie

    The first question resonates with me because I’ve come to realize that with most situations we’re all looking at issues from a different perspective. So much is not a matter of right or wrong, just a different point of view due our own personal filters as a result of our own individual life experiences. Thank you for the reminder and the 3 questions to answer.

  635. Connie

    All three questions were helpful “food” for learning ways to resolve an argument, however I think question no. 1 resonated most with me today. It seems to me to be the opener leading to nos. 2 & 3. And for me it put feet to the wonderful promise “A soft answer turns away wrath”.

  636. Mitzi Arellano

    I love the “how can I honor this person…” question. It changes my perspective and my heart.

  637. Susan

    My word for the year is peace, so this was a great opportunity to learn how to grab another piece of it in my dealings with others. I’d have to say #3 resonated within me the most. I’m actually pretty good at the first two, which I attribute to my years teaching and conducting parent/teacher conferences (peacefully). But, I’d also like to add that if I could remember I was being watched after the conversation was over and my reaction was still being videoed each time the topic came up, I’d likely keep my mouth shut. My issue has been a struggle with wanting to turn and “vent” to my closest friends. Not in a gossipy way but more of a validating way. Neither of which, I feel, is right. If I know my peace is speaking, I shouldn’t be checking and rechecking. Thanks for this.

  638. Belinda

    All 3 are very good questions but number 3 stands out the most to I have never really considered this until now thanks a lot I will always remember these 3

  639. Jenny

    All 3 of these questions speak to me but #3 really hit home. The way I react to my children is definitely different when someone is watching rather than when I am at home. I need to react as if someone is watching at all times. Think and pray before speaking.

  640. Shannon

    Definitely #3!!! I wouldn’t want those I love and respect to see me behaving badly!!!

  641. Annette

    They are all very good questions. #3 however, really stirred me. To have people see the way I could act in a situation if I react before I think would make me very embarrassed and of course to those people who are skeptical of Christianity ruin my witness. I will take to heart all 3 questions the next time a situation occurs where I may react without grace.

  642. Marilyn

    #3 was most impaction to me, though #1 is likely my greatest struggle. The thought of having a video of me played in church, and then the realization that that’s what is going on in the Throne Room of my Savior every day will hopefully stay with me when I face my next conflict. Praying for the humility to accept, admit, and confess aloud my part in the conflict.

  643. Pat

    I liked the comment about being video taped. We would all react differently if we thought our friends would see how we react, but our best friend Jesus, sees all.

  644. Pam

    I would also die if some of my reactions were on video! I think the third question nailed it. If we knew someone was watching would we react different? If we could just see how much is WE are to blame in a situation, if we could see US as others see us, then we would be a much kinder, loving, forgiving people.
    God has really convicted me to make these changes in my own life, I’m so thankful He loves me.

  645. Nicole

    Question two, for me . It hits me hard because I can easily forgive but not so easily forget . I want to be soft hearted , I just have this way of replaying situations in my head over and over and analyzing. It causes me to sometimes have not so soft and honorable feelings 🙁 .

  646. Glori

    I realate to question 1&3 being a single mom of two small children I often feel “oh I wish I hadn’t handle her or him that way.
    Emma is 9 n Ben is 3 they both need a Mom whom is calm cool and collected more than not. I am like most moms and get caught in moments that I soon regret deeply my choices in knee jerk reactions. If I had the tools to step out side of the moment and have more compassion in the heated moments and if cameras were rolling I feel Inwould be tamer . I know God is watching but still I react in chaotic moments than I care to admit.
    Would Love to Read Lysa’s Book.

  647. Cynthia

    Oh how I wish I had thought about these questions in so many past situations. All 3 hit home for me, but #1 is probably the hardest. In the heat of the moment, it’s so difficult not to focus on the other person’s stake in the conflict. We just go into a “defense mode” rather than “resolution mode” that God would want. I have to pray everyday that God will help me to remember and practice these concepts in all my dealings with others.

  648. Keri B.

    Questions 2 & 3. It is often hard to soften our heart to listen to the other side and feelings of others . Also question number 3 is big for me. I have 3 precious young boys and I know they are constantly picking up on my attitude and responses to situations. I want them to learn by good example of how to handle conflict peacefully and to have no regrets for their reactions and to always have an open heart.

  649. Jessi Haupt

    Question 3…
    I never really thought about Jesus being right there when I am reacting! We feel shameful when we react badly around people. But when we are alone, you think no one will be watching, well Jesus is!!

  650. Cindy

    Numbers 2 and 3. Whew! I definitely need to ask myself these questions. Just yesterday I got so mad at someone. I had dropped her off, and when I got home realized she left her gallon of milk in my car. I texted her and said I was on my way to bring it to her. She texted me saying she could pick it up tomorrow. Upon arriving at her apartment, knocking twice, texting a few times, and getting no answers, I was very angry. Boy!! I honked on the side street as I drove away. Later, my husband and I went again to take the milk to her. She answered the door and said she was sorry and she had turned off her cell phone. 🙁 Why did I get so angry? I didn’t want her milk in my fridge. I didn’t really want her to come by in the morning. Why couldn’t I just bring it to her? Respect? What would Jesus have done. I guess maybe He wouldn’t have gotten angry in the first place. It wasn’t as big of a deal as I made it. What is the deal with me? I must pray more when things like that happen. I must think of scriptures that apply, and rest in My loving Lord. I need to be more conformed to His image and respond as He would. Thank you for helping me to think through this a little more.

  651. Heather

    I am always being watched. I do like the video idea. Will try that:)

  652. Dana

    The part about hurt people hurt. I am a pastor’s wife and remembering this as you deal with hurting people, is very helpful. I also know that when my teenagers lash out, sometimes, I just need to step back, and seek to understand that they may be hurt (guys deal with hurt and many times in comes across as anger). Thanks for the encouragement.

  653. Jean B.

    I think #2 got to me the most, though I can relate to all of them. The thought that someone else’s hurt is contributing to their reaction made me stop and think.

  654. Andrea

    #1 for me. I have to realize any conflict is between me and someone else. It’s not just about me. I have to take some responsibility or no resolution will take place.

  655. Tonia

    Question #3 because my reactions through my tone of voice counter act my words and feelings. Many times the words i am saying would be okay if i could control the emotions more. I hear the words and dont see the emotion. Others see the emotion and therefore miss the words…….Lord help me to temper my emotions with your love and words

  656. Crystal

    Wow! Numbers 1, 2 and 3! But especially 3! My family went on a trip one time and I became angry with an employee at an event we were at! I really chewed him out only to turn around and discover my brother in law had recorded the entire incident! It has been a family joke now for years to watch that little video but I admit I feel ashamed each time! How I wish I could always react as if I thought I was being recorded – since as you pointed out, I really actually am in the eyes of all around me.

  657. Susan Moyer

    No 2 would be my answer. Satan keeps playing it over in my head so it makes it hard for me to have a soften heart.

  658. Brandy

    Number 3 resonates the most with me because as I’ve been working on my reactions and angry responses, I’ve noticed that my children are already modeling my bad responses. It breaks my heart to know that I taught them that. I need to work on my responses so they have godly examples of how to handle anger and frustration.

  659. Marsha

    Number 1 is GREAT ADVICE and resonates with me. In fact this happened to me in resolving a family issue. I was waiting for my feeling of frustration and anger to subside before I responded to the situation. A group of supportive folks reminded me that I must ACT first, by humbling myself and THEN the peaceful feeling of knowing I did what I could do to heal the situation would follow. They were right! As soon as I humbled myself and reached out in love (despite my prideful feelings) the peace beyond all understanding filled me up. And guess what? The family issue resolved itself and peace was restored. The only control we have in a situation is ourselves and our reaction to them.

  660. Helen

    All 3 are very tough for me. I am a very reactionary person and tend to take things very personal. If I would/could step aside of self and really listen to what is going on including taking each of these questions and put them into practice it sure would make the times that I do have conflict more of a time of growing and seeing Him in the midst.

  661. chata

    #2 is so hard

  662. Mary E. Feie

    Every question is excellent, but I have had similar ideas for both #1 & #2 with conflicts of my own. But #3 I have never thought about. Yep. That would be a show stopper. I had a ton of conflict with 2 people on our worship team last year. At one point I did feel the L-rd say to imagine what would happen if I held a mirror up to the person who was having such a fit at me. And then, what if they held one up to ME. Ah-hah! That really made me think. Thanks so much for bringing this important issue forward.

  663. Marilee Weeks

    I want them all to pop up until I become more and more like Jesus and my responses (or reactions) become automatic. (1)The forgiveness and understanding always needs to stay about me, with no agenda for receiving anything back from others. It is not a trade! It is a humble, heartfelt, act of love. (2) Everyone has their own gunk going on in their lives, and I should not have to know what they are going through in order to be more loving. It is easy to be understanding, and sorry, if I know what is going on in the other persons life. Not knowing what they are going through, makes my apology more pure. (3) And, of course, this one is the one that trips up the witness to others, and or causing others to stumble (by the results of our un-Christ-like behavior). Need to remember that I am always seen (and, even more important, my heart is always seen!
    So, I just can’t pick one…it’s a tie!

  664. Sheri

    Question 3 – I should probably put this question to everything I do, including food choices, exercise, how I spend my time, etc, how would things be different? Hummm…

  665. C

    Hi Lysa,

    Thank you for your honesty.I am having to confront a person and am praying and asking God to help us both.The person e mailed me yeaterday and I did not respond right away because my first reaction was anger.I decided to pray and sleep on it.In the morning I knew how to write a simple kind response back that happened today and now I read you article.God’s timing is amazing!
    God Bless
    Reading your art

  666. Brenda pierson

    3for me my husband has always told me to stop and think about it before I spoke those words if anger because you know what you say you cannot take back, you can ask for forgiveness but those angry words you spoke are hard to forget

  667. Cathy

    Number two spoke to me….David Foster Wallace in “this is water” describes a scene in the checkout line – a woman holding a baby who’s crying who is having difficulty completing the transaction as the line builds behind her. Patrons can choose to get irritated or see the humanity in the situation. Everyone carries burdens. No one is perfect and everyone is carrying a cross, some larger than others, but everyone is carrying one. “seeing with compassion”

    Thank you for all three questions…now i just need to catch myself.

  668. Vicki

    Wow! #2 really hits hard. My problem is: when I try to bow below my pride & try to do what’s right, I’m treated as a door mat. What do you do then? Instead of I’ve problem, you now have 2 & sealing with pride & anger. Vicki

  669. Lauren

    #1- It is so much easier to think that the problem lies with the other person, much harder to look inwards at how I play a role into the situation.

  670. Virginia

    #3….Because our conversations and the way we react are always being recorded….by Jesus. I try to think “How would I react, what would I say if Jesus was in the room and saw/overheard what was about to come out of my sinful mouth. It’s human nature to react the way we do, but we can stop and think “How does what I am about to say glorify and edify my Lord, the one who sacrificied himself for my sins?” Makes you really think

  671. Sally

    No. 1. It is so hard to see my own fault in conflict.

  672. Tatiana

    They were all good questions but if I had to pick one I guess number 3 spoke to me the most. I would feel blessed to win your book!!!

  673. Jean Buckland

    How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react?

    This is the most challenging one for me personally. All three questions are spot on, but this one I find to be hardest do implement in my life. I’m a work in progress for sure. Following God’s path, and his will, I know I can conquer this too. 🙂

  674. Phelesia Daniels

    Hi those three questions are ever before me. The answers goes so well with them. Thank you do much for this. I needed this…

  675. Bonnie

    #3!! I realize that a lot of times my reactions to things and the way I want others to see me are VERY different. It SO bothers me! I will definitely try to keep this question in mind before responding in the future! Thank you so much.

  676. Tiffany Lynn Nordine

    #1 What part did I play in this conflict?! Hold myself accountable for what I did or did not do to add to it. I must remember to answer and react out of humility not selfishness fuled by pride. I actually am going through conflict with another person at this very moment so thank you Lysa for this article! God bless you!

  677. Julie McFarland

    Question #2 resonated the most; “if I can duck below my pride, honor will be my reward.” My pride is my stumbling block.

  678. Denise Dolan

    #1 and #2 both relate to my life right now. Really good words. I need to pass this on to all parties involved right now. We can never judge what someone else’s pain/hurt might be. Or how they react to situations. Only can be there to support and love them. I know with my situation, Its not always that easy when there is so much conflict. Bottom line we won’t always forget what happened but need to forgive to move forward.

  679. Colette

    My husband and I read this together. He immediately said number 3 bc it would so revealing and so difficult to watch. I agree!
    I struggle with number 2 so much. I play the conflict over and over in my mind and relive it several times. Thank you for the ideas! I’m putting them to use!

  680. Laura Looman

    I need to think about where the other person is coming from, what is going on in their life right now. And especially do they know Jesus and can I show Him to them?

  681. Cheryl Chambers

    Question 3: I am a people pleaser and there are some very special people that I would not want to disappoint. Most of all I never want to disappoint my Lord. I seek forgiveness from Him daily. I will think about this before reacting next time. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

  682. Amanda

    Definitely “If I knew this conversation was being video taped and then shown to people I greatly respect, how would this change my reaction?” Being a mom I try to remember I might as well be being recorded everyday because of the little ones that are watching me and taking in everything I say and do.

  683. Patty

    Question #1 is in that 1st position for a good reason. It’s so easy for me to forget that I see things through my sometimes tainted eyes and that there is another side to the situation. Taking my defensiveness down a notch will allow me to see with more open and compassionate eyes.

  684. Jo-Ellen

    #2. I need to consider all 3, but the second one stood out. To soften my heart to honor them, no matter how they react.

  685. Lisa F.

    #2 is the most difficult for me… But I have to realize that they are a child of God too and if I want them to swallow their pride, I must do it first.

  686. Julie

    All pertain to me.. struggling with changes in life.. divorce, empty nest, choices, and hurt. My adult children lash out at me because they can.. and I lash out back at them.

  687. Angela

    Question 3 is so profound because its like having your own reality show for all to see. It’s the how do Christians really act when they think their peers, friends, church members and God are not looking. But similar to most reality shows, the camera is on following every move and capturing every word, including those 4-letter ones that people would never hear us say. So I am grateful for the message and the question that will stay at the forefront as I encounter challenges with people. Reminded that the camera is on and God always has a watchful eye on me even when the camera is turned off.

  688. Becci

    Wow! It’s hard to choose one. They all resonate on some level. But if I have to pick I’d say question #2. It’s hard to think of treating someone with honor when they are lashing out at you. But I know that when someone does that it is because they are hurting inside. And I need to listen more, understand better, and be slow to react or I might lash out too. Thank you so much for this wisdom!

  689. Sarah Howard

    All 3 for me!!! I actually just finished this book and it has spoken to me in so many ways. I borrowed this book from a friend and I absolutely need to own this book to carry with me as a reminder not to come unglued or when my imperfect progress starts to dwindle.

  690. Jess

    #2 for me. I’m going thru a very difficult situation with my in laws at the moment and it’s very hard to take a step back and see that I’ve hardened myself to them. I love them but I feel very hurt and rejected by them. I don’t know if there is a future for our relationship.

  691. Lisa R.

    #2. How can I soften my heart? Why don’t I ask God to help me in these situations. Sometimes I do and it always goes so much better. But other times I become defensive, which usually leads to becoming explosive and I never feel good afterwards. Thank you for such an important message!

  692. Jennifer Lawson

    Number 3. No matter how hard, we need to see ourselves as others see us. Reflecting our bad behavior back to us elicits the desire to let God in to change us from the inside.

  693. Toni Moore

    Thank you for your honesty. I am still dealing with number 2 because there are some people I know tolerate me only to get something from me. While I have been nibbling on the Fruit of God’s spirit there are a few people in my life who make me ask what have I done to them and I have asked. Envy is an easy response but I am believing there are other explanations. Sometimes their silence is hurtful but the explosion of hateful words I receive when I don’t always respond with words or actions to appease their needs can be unbearable.

  694. Wendy Marchinko

    Most of my life I have been an “avoider” of conflict- or uncomfortable situations. This isn’t always a good thing. As I grow stronger in faith, I see these situations will present themselves and the way we respond to it is the key. I struggle most with 2-it’s hard to ❤️ those who have hurt us, but he did!

  695. Kathy

    All three resonated with me, but number 1 is as it should be. I have learned that in a conflict, it takes two. We have to take the log out of our own eye before we can remove the speck from another’s This is so hard sometimes. But, if we can do it, the pathway to honoring the other person and being “ok” (although maybe not thrilled) with the video idea is opened wide. Why? Because my choice of # 1 positions me in obedience to Christ, allowing Him to help us resolve the conflict.

  696. Libby

    I desperately needed this today! And it always amazes me how God puts exactly what you need right when you need it. Your post was exactly that!! All three questions will help me get though a tough day today…thank you for posting this at just the right time! May God continue to bless you with your writing talents!

  697. Cassie

    #2…. It’s difficult to put the other person first when you’re on a mission to beat them down and prove something. But. If you take a minute to have some rational thoughts, it’s easy to see that this “ain’t nothin’ but a thing”. 🙂

  698. Mary Ann

    All three are things I need to remember, but I think #2 is the hardest for me. I get so wrapped up in the argument itself that I tend to forget that there’s a real human being on the other side.

    I think I’ll print these out and keep them handy…

  699. lori

    I bought the made to crave conference calls bc I read it gives extra support. but I have no idea what it is or how to use it. help!

  700. Mary

    #3. That’s a great perspective! Aside from the shame of hearing my own words replayed, the reminder that I do have witnesses all around me… My kids are always nearby! Great post! Thank u!

  701. Courtney

    #2… I am a stay at home mom and here lately I have been struggling with my toddler’s behavior. He has been acting out since his baby brother was born and I am very quick to get frustrated and angry with him forgetting that his world has just completely changed. Mommy is no longer all his and he is adjusting to this new stressful like just as I am. Knowing this helps me to react in a different, more calm and loving manner.

  702. Kathy

    When I am in a conflict (mostly with my husband), I ask myself “does this bring glory to God?” If not, then just stop.

  703. kristen

    I think number one got me. Before I heard you speak in Hershey in November at the Choices seminar I was stuck in tug and pull conflict with my mom. After you spoke I had the courage to go home make my apologized for the wrong that I had done in the past and chose to no longer engage her. I have been too much more at peace then ever before. I would that love a copy of your book as I can not afford to buy it. I am a single mom of a severely disabled child due to the drug and alcohol use of his biological mom. The day I brought him home at 2 days old he was perfect and 3yrs later he’s still perfect in my eyes.

  704. Tabitha

    Number 1… Very humbling!

  705. sallie Gardner

    Than you LYSA for your wisdom. I need to ask myself these 3 questions before reacting!

  706. Aimee

    Number 2 is what spoke to me the most. I faced this last year and it came down to realizing I still had never forgiven them for what they had done. Once I forgave I started realizing MY behavior was better and not fueling behavior on their part.

  707. joyce wilson

    word of God speak” , my daily prayer and desire is for the word of god speak to me,, regardless of the place or situation , he does,,

  708. Nichole Whitmire

    All questions are needed but 2. How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react? Stood out to me, my husband and I have been going through with our son. He hurt us and his pride would not allow him to admit it. He acted worse and things blew up. Now we are trying to mend as a family but it’s hard when your child (22 yrs) pushes you away. The whole article helped me and I am going to share with my husband.

  709. Kathy

    Whenever I have a conflict I try to remember that even if I’m only 5% responsible for the conflict . . . I am 100% responsible for that 5%. This speaks to the first question. What can I own and apologize for . . .

  710. Stacie

    What part can you take ownership for and apologize for? While not very good at quoting scripture I do remember a verse that tells us more or less turn the other cheek…With both of those thoughts in mind, I was able to hear God tell me my part in this. How my frustration had lead me to push the other person too far. I am apologizing for that. This person will not accept my apology; I am sure of it. She prefers to deal in anger and hurtful words. Maybe my humbleness and gentleness in saying “I’m sorry” will be an example to her. I pray she will see God living in me. If not for this time, maybe another.

  711. Becky

    Number 1. It’s so easy to see everybody else’s fault in a situation . What wise council to look at what our “fault” is in that situation. Thank you Lysa and thank you God for such wise council and guidance

  712. Ann

    3-great reminder God is always or should be a member of our audience. Honor, obey and keep His commands & then the clip will be useful for Him.

  713. debbie

    As much as I try to not have to apologize for my words.. I do..
    As soft as my heart is for forgiveness .. I don’t alway honor that person..
    But …If I knew this conversation was being video taped and then shown to people I greatly respect… I would have to fall on my face in forgiveness every day… Lord help me!!!
    They all speak to me.. #3 for me needs tons of work.. Lord help me hold these thoughts in my heart all day, everyday.. especially with my husband.. thank you Lord.. Amen!

  714. Bev

    All of these rank high, but number 2 greatly resonates with me. I am struggling to hold onto a marriage with a very emotionaly hurt man. I love hin with all my heart anf its about to be 14 years. There are so many days when i just feel so hurt amd unloved from the things im told. I am defnitely going to purchase this book. Thabk you.

  715. Laurie

    #3 made me cringe the most! I’m going to try and remember the Lord hears what comes out of my mouth when I am in a serious conflict and can see my actions.

  716. Whitney

    I recently read your book, Unglued, based on rave reviews from friends. I cannot tell you how much it has changed my every day life already. I have two children under the age of two, and have struggled with a wild temper since I can remember. I feel as though I get to “unglued” in a matter of moments every day. My two year old happens to know every button I behold and somedays pushes each one over and over and over. This book has made me conciously dig up my anger and reactionary disposition and plant new seeds of patience, love, kindness, and gentleness. These do not always come naturally for me, and I love your openness about having to work on these things. I love your vulnerability and admire your heart for change. Thank you again and again… my family thanks you too. God is doing remarkable things in our lives.

  717. B.J.

    2. How can I soften my heart toward this person so I honor them despite how they react? This one is the hardest for me at this point in my life. I have been in a conflict with a dear friend. I was planning a surprise birthday for my sister in law who has never had a birthday party in her life and was turning 58. In fact she never started celebrating birthdays until she married my brother 25 years ago. My brother has become completely disable with the disease, PSP, and she has been so good in taking care of him. She has hired a male caretaker while she’s at work and has given up a lot, she is confined and not able to do other things, so I wanted to do this for her. My friend lost her job 2 years ago, she says she is bored, so she offered and volunteered to help in anyway she could. She told me to just tell her what I needed help with and she would do it. I wanted it nice and a week before the party, my friend caught me completely off guard and told me I had become obsessed in the preparations, and she was sick of hearing about it. She started telling me all the things she had done to help. I was totally floored, I never saw it coming. I apologized and told her I had no clue I was making her angry. I had invited her and her husband to the party, so I told her I would finish the final arrangements myself and I would see her at the party. The next night she called me, I thought things would smooth over, but she only went into more depth of how angry I had made her for 25 minutes. Her choice of words and tone of voice was very hurtful. The only thing she said she was sorry for is that she waited too long to tell me how angry she was getting with me. We ended the conversation by agreeing not to hold a grudge, put it behind us and never discuss it again. They came to party and was very nice. The next day, I am shocked when I find out that her and her husband were telling people at the party about our conflict. I called her 2 days later and asked if it was a okay time to return the items I had borrowed for the party. I picked her up a small gift for her help and had it in the box of items I returned. She invited me to stay and have dinner with them, which I decline and said I needed to get home and prepare dinner for my husband. I told her I had something to say before I left. I told her it was brought to my attention what her and her husband was saying about me at the party. I reminded her of the agreement we had made and she broke it, and I didn’t feel she was being a very good friend and her trust had been broken. I reminder her I have kept all the things she has told me in private a secret, I didn’t break my promises. Her response was okay and I left. It’s been a month and we haven’t spoken. She send me a card and said, I miss you, can we still be friends? She knows she has hurt me and has never apologized for her actions. So, my prayer has been that we can resolve this in a Godly way and now I am asking God to soften my heart and help me to forgive her for the hurtful things she said to me and for talking about me behind my back to my family and our friends. I feel your book, Unglued, would be very helpful in making me a better person.

  718. Judy

    #1 is the question that resonates with me most. I can honestly say that I have never thought of owning part of the conflict and apologizing before it begins. Really need to chew on this one! I appreciate your giving me something to think about that has the possibility of being so helpful in conflict resolution! Thank you!

  719. Heather

    #3 has resonated with me… starting with when God convicted me of it years ago … all the way to now when I envision my Jesus being right there. I still fail and that is with those who love me most. Maybe it feels like a safe place to get angry. I let it go too far sometimes. That breaks my heart because it breaks his heart. And I learned my initial flesh re”act”ion does not have to dictate how I “act”. So while those times are much rarer than they used to be, I still try to remember… He is right there.
    Live Blessed,

  720. tamara

    1. What part of this issue can I own and apologize for? This one resonated with me. Something that I am working on. I feel usually when there is a conflict I have a part in it as well. My words, tone, actions aren’t always recieved the way that I feel they should be in my head. I am working on humbling myself, admitting my part and trying to be more compassionate to the way others recieve what I say by listening, admitting what I have done wrong and apoligizing and asking for forgiveness. God’s blessings to you

  721. Cat

    These 3 questions are amazing. I tend to react instead of stopping and listening. That alone helps with question #1 & 3. #2 pray for the person who has offended me sometimes the Holy Spirit will give you the right heart and allow you to see your part the conflict. Never ever txt, write a letter or email your words have no emotional value and can be miss read. Thanks Lysa for sharing it’s something I am constantly battling.

  722. Diana

    This really ministered to me today. Sometimes it’s family that hurt you and they don’t even know it. I’ve been thinking and praying about my reaction to something that happened over the week-end. I am learning how to love and overcome my reactions to things that hurt me. The Lord has me reading the LOVE Chapter (4-8) in the Amplified Bible. WOW! Thanks, Lisa, for sharing your heart and being so transparent with others. No all of us have the guts to share things like you do. We do learn by others “mistakes”. I have plenty. Maybe I should start sharing!!!

  723. Frances Lewis

    Thank you Lysa for your words. I journal while I read devotionals and copied and pasted some of yours that hit home. In question 3, “But here’s the one that really grabs my heart – my Jesus is very much present. Philippians 4:5 reminds us, “Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.”
    I need to highlight and underline gentleness because when I feel hurt I have to work on nit sounding harsh. So a million thanks for the reminder today.
    I thank you for the presence of our Lord in my life and of your words.

  724. Jenni K

    I just started reading Unglued. I quite literally downloaded it to my ipad after returning from a family vacation I ruined with my angry, hurtful words…all sorts of things I can’t really take back. The type of reaction you feel you’ll never really live down, that those you hurt will probably never forget or forgive you for. I’ll even admit that the examples of…unglued-ness (is that a word? ;)… in the book seem so minor compared to the weight of my freak out…though I know comparison is useless, of course that’s where my human self goes right away. But as I read I felt more filled with hope that I God can change me and that he can soften the hearts of those I hurt to forgive me. I am ready to be chiseled away at. The three ideas in this post are ones I will carry with me this week as I start fresh, embracing grace rather than condemnation. Thank you for them.
    In Progress,

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