Lysa TerKeurst | Marriage

Monday, October 29

What Women Want To Know About Pornography

A few weeks ago, I got an email from Jake Larson, with XXX church. He asked me if I’d like to guest post on his site. As my team and I read through Jake’s blog and checked out his website, we all felt certain he needed to post on my site. He is having a huge impact helping free people from the devastation of pornography.

I’ll be honest; there was a part of me that thought maybe this is too risky of an issue to tackle in our little blog space on the Internet.

But then I posted about the topic on facebook and realized women were begging to see this addressed. Really addressed.

So, we’re going there today. What women want to know about pornography.

Your questions.

Jake’s answers.

I just found out that my husband has an addiction to pornography, where do I go from here? What are my first steps as his wife? What am I supposed to do to help him?

This is a great question and I’ll tell you why. You are asking questions that are going to put you in a helper role verses a hinder role.

Although you are angry, hurt, and burdened by this discovery, it is imperative that you do not become another disperser of shame. Most men who are wrapped up in an addiction to pornography feel a level of shame that is paralyzing. They are well aware their behavior is detrimental to their marriage, to their relationship with God, and to their role as a father.

The shame pornography produces is literally killing men from the inside out. More than a lecture on the top ten reasons why he is scum, he needs to know that you are hurt, but you will help. Here are a few necessary steps:

Share with a friend
In order to help, you must immediately find a healthy outlet to be heard. Many women are so embarrassed by this discovery that they hide the pain and the secret from those who love them the most.

Immediately after finding out about your husband’s addiction to pornography you must seek out a friend and share your disappointment, pain, and insecurity. You will need the support.

“By yourself you’re unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst. Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped.” [ECCLESIASTES 4:12]

Require Tangible Steps
If your husband doesn’t take steps that require him to sacrifice time, money, pride, or freedom he will not succeed. It is absolutely imperative that you demand he gets help.

I have never met anyone who has overcome an addiction to pornography alone. It will not happen and it does not happen. Real tangible steps and sacrifices are the key to recovery.

He must meet with another man who will help him develop a plan for success.

He must be accountable for his actions online through filters and accountability software (www.x3watch.com).

He must give you access to his devices that enable him to view pornography.

He must dig deep into his soul and discover why he runs to pornography.

Many times men will tell their spouse that they are so sorry and will never do it again. At the time, he really does mean what he is saying. He sees the pain and hates the sin – he doesn’t want to go back to it. However, his statement of abstinence is far short from what is required to overcome the temptation.

Stay Engaged in The Relationship
Do not choose this as a time to check out and pull back your love. Your husband needs to know that he can count on your support and encouragement.

There is a big difference between staying engaged and enabling his behavior. This is not supposed to be an easy process with minimal discomfort for your husband.

However, isolation and shame often cause a man to spiral back into his unwanted sexual behavior. He needs your presence, encouragement, and love. This love demands actions, repentance, and responsibility.

The Bible says that you are your husband’s helpmate. Where he is weak you will be strong. As you stay engaged you will turn his weaknesses into strengths! He is going to be stronger and better with you in his corner than without you. Walking through this process together can be the beginning of a stronger, healthier, and Godlier marriage.

What can I do as a wife to help my husband preventatively?

In no way is this exhaustive, but here are a few suggestions.

The deepest need for a man is to be respected. Yes, even above sex (barely). He needs to know that you appreciate him and admire all he does for you and the family. This is key to any healthy marriage!

Second, meet his sexual needs. If you don’t make his sexual needs a priority his eyes will wander and he will struggle. Most every man will have a greater struggle with lust leading to pornography usage without a healthy sexual relationship with his wife.

Third, protect him. We can’t handle movies with strong sexual content and we’ll struggle in stimulating environments. However, we’ll experience them with you if you’ll let us and it won’t help our purity. Be an additional set of eyes protecting our purity.

Is pornography wrong if it is something a couple enjoys together?

Yes. Many couples seem to fall into this temptation. They want some additional spice in their sex lives and pornography becomes the solution.

Only one problem, pornography is not reality. Pornography gives us unrealistic expectations of our spouse and turns sex into a purely physical act.

Women are damaged from pornography on an emotional, physical, and spiritual level. Watching pornography to spice up your sex life is like going to a marriage enrichment seminar taught by someone who has been divorced 4 times. If you want to learn how to connect with your spouse sexually from a dysfunctional and harmful role model, then pornography may be your method of choice.

Second, God created sex to be enjoyed between a husband and a wife. We are not to defile our marriage bed by inviting others to join us (Hebrews 13:4, Matthew 5:28).

“Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. 19 She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.” Proverbs 5:18-19

One woman asked, “What’s the big deal if my husband is thinking about a porn star while having sex with me?” I don’t know, only that he is fantasizing and lusting after a woman who is not his wife.

The third person in bed with you is purely fantasy today to become reality tomorrow. Pornography is not satisfied with a casual user. It will take you further down pornography blvd. than you ever expected to go.

Jake Larson is a Pastor at XXX church. You can follow him at www.jakelarson.com, www.twitter.com/larsonjake, and www.facebook.com/larson.jake.

The Unraveling Of A Marriage

I had a favorite sweater I loved wearing. It wasn’t too bulky but was still warm and cozy. The only problem was the threads were loosely woven together. It would snag on things, so I had to be ever so careful when I wore it.

I was always mindful of the delicate nature of this sweater so I could protect it, make it last, and enjoy wearing it time and again.

Until one day I was in a hurry. I grabbed some things I needed for a meeting and rushed to my car. I tossed all my stuff over to the passenger seat, including a spiral notebook. A spiral notebook whose metal binding wire had gotten caught on my sleeve. As I pulled my arm toward the steering wheel, the notebook came with it and pulled a huge snag in my sweater.

I unhooked myself and assessed the damage.

What I should have done was taken the sweater off, put something else on, and later taken the time to repair the snag the correct way.

But in the rush of all I had going on, I made the tragic decision to do what seemed easiest in the moment. I snipped the lose threads and hoped for the best.

That tragic decision started an unraveling process that ended the life of that beautiful sweater.

A few days ago, my husband and I got into an argument. In front of the kids. Over something so stupid. Right before we were about to head out the door to go on a date.

In the heat of the argument he announced the date was off. He no longer wanted to go.

And honestly, I no longer wanted to go either.

I wanted to go sit in a coffee shop by myself and make a mental list of all the reasons I was right. All the reasons he was wrong. And justify my perspective.

But it’s at this exact moment of resistance that an unraveling can begin.

Doing what seems easy in the moment often isn’t what’s best for the long term.

I pushed for us to still go on our date. It wasn’t fun. It wasn’t easy. There were tears. There were awkward stretches of silence.

But we pushed through the resistance we both felt, and eventually talked.

Talking through the snags. The pulls. The things that threaten to unravel us.

There is a delicate nature to marriage. It’s so easy to forget that. It’s so easy to take it all for granted and stop being careful. Stop being mindful. Stop being protective.

The unraveling can happen so quickly.

What’s something you can do today to invest wisely in your marriage? To be mindful of your mate? To protect your relationship?

For me? I have to apologize. The right way. By admitting I was wrong and asking for forgiveness. Repairing the snags the right way… tying a knot and tucking it back into the weave of our relationship fabric.

Isn’t it funny that when we get married it’s called “tying the knot.” For us, this wasn’t just an act at the altar. It’s something we have to do over and over again.

After you leave a comment below… visit my (in)courage guest post called “When I Want to be Mean,” by clicking here.

The Place Where Disappointment Grows

The space between our expectations and our reality is a fertile field. It will grow something. Disappointment.

When I was in high school, I had a friend whose sister had the coolest hairdo. It was cropped short with straight bangs that fell messy over one eye. She was that older sister who just seemed to have a handle on how to do everything with style.

I somehow decided all of her coolness traced back to her hairdo. Like that was the budding spot from which the life I wanted could sprout.

Yes, that hairdo.

Never mind the fact her hair was thin and obedient. And mine was thick and rebellious.

Never mind that her hair was sleek and straight. And mine was curly at best and frizzy at worst.

Never mind that her bangs fell nicely over her forehead. And mine had a crazy cowlick causing them to grow up, not down.

Yes, never mind reality.

I set my expectation on the highest bar and willed my hair to fall in line.

The hair dresser chopped. And chopped. And chopped. And tried to assure me I now looked JUST like the picture of the older sister.

But that was a lie. I knew it. She knew it.

And oh how the space between my expectation and my new reality grew some serious disappointment. I still have nightmares of that disastrous hairdo where I wake up desperately grabbing at my head to make sure my hair is still there.

But hair grows back. Bad cuts can be fixed in time. That disappointment can be remedied.

Other situations aren’t so easy. Maybe you have some space between a current reality and an unfulfilled expectation. If so, I imagine disappointment can be found growing there.

Psalm 23:1 says, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.” The Hebrew word for “want” is chacer meaning “to lack, be without, become empty.”

So, if the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not become empty. I shall not live in a constant state of disappointment where circumstances leak me dry.

But … I do sometimes. And not just with my hair. It’s other stuff as well.

Important stuff.

So, how do I let the Lord shepherd me so that the gap between my expectations and reality closes?

I ask myself questions. Here are three things we can ask ourselves when faced with disappointment:

1. What do I need to learn? Maybe God has an appointment for me in the midst of this disappointment. If God wants me to see, learn, know, or grow in some way while I work through this unmet expectation, I have to be open to hear this from Him.

Many times God shows me a flaw of mine that needs to be addressed. When I address my flaw, I can more easily adjust my expectations.

2. Could it be that I’m so concerned with what I don’t have, I’ve forgotten to be thankful for what I do have? Sometimes, it’s not that my reality is bad. It’s that I created too much space for disappointment to grow by placing my expectations too high.

3. Is there something I can do to change this situation? If so, I need to ask God for the courage to make changes. If I keep hoping things will get better but don’t make any adjustments, that’s foolish. The space between my reality and my expectations will only change if I do.

Now back to my high school hair situation. The next time I start flashing pictures of cute pixie hair cuts I’m considering getting, somebody send me a link to this blog post. Please. Pretty please. With a dollop of hair gel on top.

Here are the winners from the recent book giveaways: Jacqlyn Ester, Heather Peoples, Judi Splint, Kim Cherry, Candice Hendrix and Mary Anne Lansden. Please email your mailing address to jennie@proverbs31.org and we will get your book in the mail to you.

And here’s a fun little special we’re running this weekend … if you’ve been thinking of getting my new book Unglued but haven’t yet, or if you want to order one for a friend now is a good time! I’ll personalize a signed book plate for you.

All you have to do is purchase Unglued between now and this Sunday (Sept. 30th) from wherever books are sold. Click here to submit your receipt and include who you want the book plate personalized to. Fun!

We are only set up to mail these within the United States. Thanks! And may your disappointments be few and your hairdos be great this weekend.