Irritated.  Frustrated.  Hurt.

Those were the words bumping around in my mind as I grabbed my Bible and sat down to do some sort of quiet time.

I felt like such a fake mindlessly scanning these words on thin pages.  My heart wasn’t connecting.  My mind wasn’t tuned in.  All I could think about was the argument I’d had with my husband.

Why couldn’t he see my point?  Why didn’t he understand?  Why was he being so stubborn?

I closed my Bible and decided a much more productive thing to do with this situation would be to pray. That’s what godly women do.  And oh how spiritually sound I felt listing all the many things the Lord could do to fix my man- all that was wrong with him.

Sounds spiritual.  However, it was anything but.

Suddenly in the middle of my prayer, all I could sense God saying was, “Stop.”

Stop?  Stop praying?  Well, that certainly couldn’t be from the Lord… so I kept going. 

But the word “stop” was pulsing through my mind with each beat of my heart.  And deep in my heart, I started to sense why.

God wasn’t looking for me to be a “fix him” wife.

God was looking for me to be a “love him” wife.

I needed to stop praying.  At least, I needed to stop praying the way I had been.  Yes, there were things my husband needed to work on.  But nothing good was happening when all I did was complain about him.

I needed to be a wife daring enough to ask God to reveal to me how to love him. And I needed to ask God where I was going wrong- where I was being selfish- where I needed to work.

When I shifted my focus on letting God change me, that’s when I started to see real progress.

In this season of struggling through all of this, God taught me three powerful lessons:

1.  Is this an irritation or an issue?

There is a big difference between an irritation and an issue.  Identifying the difference helps me pick my battles.  If this is just an irritation, maybe I need to practice being more flexible, patient or willing to extend grace?

2.  Am I praying about or for my husband?

If I do sense something that needs to change, I need to pray for my husband- not about him.  Praying about him is just ranting.  Praying for him means digging into God’s word and praying Scriptures specific to his struggles.  That’s powerful!  When we pray the WORD of God, we pray the WILL of God.

3.  Where is my focus?

I’ll never be able to control how another person acts and reacts, but I certainly can control how I act and react.  My focus shouldn’t be on having the right partner.  My focus should be on being the right partner.

Slowly, as I shifted my heart in these areas, I saw such progress in our marriage.  Do I still get irritated, frustrated and hurt?  Of course.

But when I stopped trying to fix him, I was freed up to just love him.  And that’s a much more fun and realistic job for me.

End note:  These words are easy to type but much harder to live.  Good gracious do I readily admit that!  I write this to point out my issues… not to heap any kind of condemnation on you.  Every marriage is unique and different in their challenges and struggles.  But maybe there is something here that could help you.

If so, which of these three lessons applies to you today?  Let’s talk about it.

_________________

Congrats to the following who have won a copy of Made to Crave and Made to Crave Devotional from my last post. Please email Holly@Proverbs31.org to obtain your books! Tammy Irmiter, Terry Barnes, Cheryl Hash, Shelly Gray, and Judy Blunt.

Dear Husbands,

An ordinary Tuesday might seem like a strange day to think of something special to do for your wife.  But this ordinary day really is the perfect day because you’re not supposed to do anything today. And that simple fact alone will capture your wife’s heart.

I know women sometimes seem complicated and overly sensitive at times. But really we’re not. We just want to be thought of in a way that makes us feel special.

One kind act by you can cover a multitude of everyday stresses.

I’m serious.

Now before you head off to Victoria and her store of secrets… that’s not it. Her secrets are scratchy and too small in areas we feel are too big. We’ll save that for another ordinary Tuesday when I write a note to wives.

The special thing I’m talking about doesn’t have to take a lot of time or cost money. It just has to say you thought of her… you paused to notice her… she’s special to you.

Maybe tuck a little note in her purse that simply says some version of that last sentence.

Or, write the word “Perfect” on a piece of paper and tape it over the numbers on her scale.

Or, finally get around to doing that avoided item on the honey-do list.

Or, send her a text message telling her three things you think she does better than any other person you know.

The possibilities are endless.

But the point is this… One simple dandelion on a no-name day means more to your wife than a dozen roses on a Hallmark holiday.  

The heart of a woman longs to be thought of, adored, and noticed. Not because you’re obligated to do so because a date on the calendar demands it, but rather just because you love her. Don’t let today slip by.

It’s the perfect day to give her what she can’t get from any other person – the love of her husband.

“Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church- a love marked by giving, not getting.  Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her…”  Eph. 5:25-27 (MSG).