The silence. The rejection. The harsh words. The absence of intimacy. The questions. The lack of answers. The hurt.

Every week I get at least one letter or comment on my blog about a marriage in trouble. My heart aches for anyone in a marriage that’s struggling. I’ve been there. Many of us have.

But I think the deepest hurt comes when one spouse resigns while the other is still trying. There is a panic that arises to somehow make the other person wake up, stop their resignation, and help you fix this relationship.

Obviously a situation like this is much more complicated than simple answers on a simple blog can provide. But might I give you one stepping stone upon which to stand on, stop the panic and balance yourself today?

Decide today that you are worthy.

That’s the first step.

Because you are. Worthy. You may not feel like it. But a quick glimpse at Psalm 139 assures me, you are. And I’d rather depend on the solid truth of God than the roller coaster of fickle feelings.

You are beautiful and captivating and attractive and smart and capable. But if you are in a relationship full of unmet expectations, unresolved issues, and frustrating communication, I suspect you feel a little less than all I’ve described.

Broken down relationships can really break down a woman.

And if you’re anything like me, when you feel broken down those around you get your worst. Then upon all the hurt and anxiety you layer on regret, shame, and the feeling that you’ve lost yourself. You’ve lost that girl inside you that used to be so positive and happy and ready to take on the world.

Can I whisper a tender truth to you? The only way to recapture her is to come up for air and remember you are worthy.

Then you can act worthy.

And step aside from the emotional yuck to make some level headed decisions. Get a plan. Talk to wise people who love you and will walk this tough journey with you.

Draw some boundaries with an uncooperative husband. Pray like crazy for clear discernment.

Remember you can’t control how he acts and reacts, but you can control how you act and react.

Reclaim who you are.

In a strange kind of way I had to do this yesterday during a scuba diving trip with my family. Everything was going fine until we saw what we all thought was a baby shark. And then that “baby shark” bumped into my daughter’s head. She did what most 18-year-old’s would do when her head gets bumped by a “shark.”

She remained completely calm.

Oh I kid.

She did nothing of the sorts. She screamed so loud I could hear her despite the fact we were 30 feet under water. Now that is a loud scream.

Then the creature bumped her head a second time.

And y’all, you would have thought the thing ripped her arm off. Which it did not.

(We later found out it wasn’t a shark and didn’t even have teeth.)

She completely panicked and attacked me ripping my mask and regulator off. Since she jumped on me from behind and I didn’t see her coming, I totally thought the baby shark’s mama had grabbed me.

For what was just a few seconds but felt like hours, I was convinced I would drown. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t remember how to be calm.

Though I’m normally a calm person, I was anything but until the dive master came to me. He wasn’t panicked. And he saw the same “shark” as us. He was calm and reassuring and reminded me to put my regulator in and breathe. He then helped us all ascend to the surface.

Masters are good like that.

Later on the boat, I realized how panic completely changes people — makes them act in ways they normally never would.

And it’s the same whether you’re under water in the ocean or under water in a relationship.

So, today breathe. Steady yourself. Keep your eyes on the Master.

I pray your relationship survives. I pray it with every fiber of my being. But if it doesn’t, I pray most of all that the beautiful woman you are rises above all the yuck still clinging tightly to the only opinion that matters — the One who forever calls you worthy.

I threw the cup of orange juice across the kitchen. It felt good to do something, anything, to release all the surging anger and frustration. And I didn’t even mind cleaning the pulpy, sticky mess.

It felt soothing to know how to clean something. I knew how to wipe away this mess. And I liked seeing the mess disappear.

If only my marriage mess could be fixed with soap, water, and a handful of paper towels. If only.

I whispered, God, why does this have to be so hard?

Have you ever been there?

I think many of us have. Whether we’re in a really tough marriage or just in a rough patch, marriage can be messy. Hurtful. Lonely.

No one ever told me about this side of marriage before I donned the white dress and danced to MC Hammer at the reception.

But after 20 years of learning, growing, and pressing through the messes to see something beautiful form in the midst of it all, here’s what I know….

Jesus loves those in messy marriages.

He loves me and my husband in the midst of it all. Jesus doesn’t love the mess of hurt, isolation, and bitterness. Those are things He wants us to work on. But He never stops loving us.

Yes.

Jesus loves me. And His grace is strong enough to extend His love into every part of me. The good parts of me. The broken parts of me. The ugly parts of me. The bitter parts of me. The loving parts of me. And even the part of me that throws orange juice.

Yes, He loves me.

And Jesus loves my husband. His grace is strong enough to extend His love into every part of Him. The good parts of him. The broken parts of him. The ugly parts of him. The bitter parts of him. The loving parts of him. And even the part of him that looks at me like I’m crazy when I throw orange juice.

Since Jesus loves us both of us, He’s the best source of help for our marriage.

I don’t say that without a deep awareness of how stinkin’ hard it is to go to Jesus when I’m mad as fire at my husband.

And I certainly don’t say it in naive simplicity.  Gracious, I know some of you are facing marriage situations that rip your heart into a thousand pieces every day.

But still, I know Jesus is the best source of help.

Honest cries for help lifted up to Jesus will not go unheard.  He sees.  He knows.  He loves.  And Jesus will direct you as long as you stick with Him.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 in the Message reminds us:

Blessed is the [woman] who trusts me, God,
the woman who sticks with God.
They’re like tress replanted in Eden,
putting down roots near the rivers –
Never a worry through the hottest of summers,
never dropping a leaf,
Serene and calm through the droughts,
bearing fresh fruit every season.”

So, how do I stick with Jesus? I proclaim I’m sticking with Jesus:

Jesus, I’m sticking with You.

I’m giving You what I don’t understand and what I can’t fix.

I giving You what I don’t like about me.  I’m giving You what I don’t like about him. And I’m giving You what I don’t like about my marriage.

I’m listening for Your instruction. I’m positioning myself to go where I’ll hear Your truth.  To talk to others who love You and serve You.  And to read wise instruction from good books and most importantly Your Book — the Bible.

And even if it kills me, I’m not throwing any orange juice today.

Amen.

Jesus loves those in messy marriages. I should know. Though Art and I have a wonderful marriage now, we can still hit some rough patches now and then.

But you’ll be happy to know I haven’t thrown any orange juice across the kitchen lately.

Sweet friend, tell me how I can pray for your marriage or another marriage you know of that needs to be lifted up to Jesus. It’s my honor to do so. Just leave a comment below.

I know the heart-ripping hopelessness of a relationship unraveling. The coexisting. The silent tension. The tears.

The first five years of my marriage were really hard. Two sinners coming together with loads of baggage, unrealistic expectations, and extremely strong wills.

There was yelling. There was the silent treatment. There were doors slammed. There was bitterness. There was a contemplation of calling it quits. There was this sinking feeling that things would never, could never get better. That’s when I first started hearing the 3 lies:

• I married the wrong person.
• He should make me feel loved.
• There is someone else better out there.

I believed those lies. They started to weave a tangled web of confusion in my heart. All I could see was all that was wrong with him. I became so blind to his good. I became so blind to my not so good.

And I wasn’t shy about sharing my frustrations about the whole situation with my friends.

Many nodded their head in agreement with me, making me feel ever so justified. But one didn’t. She said, “I know what you think. But what does the Bible say?”

Ugghhhh. The Bible? I didn’t think her “religious suggestion” would help me. But over the next couple of days, I kept hearing her question about looking into the Bible replaying over and over in my mind.

Reluctantly and with great skepticism, I tried it one afternoon. I turned to a couple of verses she suggested including 1 Corinthians 13. As I read the list of everything love is supposed to be, I got discouraged. My love didn’t feel kind, patient, or persevering. The love in my marriage felt broken.

I closed the Bible. It didn’t seem to do anything but make me feel worse. So much for that.

Then a few days later I heard an interview on a Christian radio station where a couple was talking about these same verses. I wanted to gag and turn the station. What do they know about how hard love can be? That’s when they said a statement that grabbed me, “Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a decision.”

Wow.

I went home and flipped to 1 Corinthians 13 again. This time instead of reading it like a list of what love should make me feel, I read it as if I could decide to make my love fit these qualities. My love will be kind. My love will be patient. My love will persevere. Not because I feel it — but because I choose it.

At the same time God was working on my husband’s heart as well. We decided to make some 1 Corinthians 13 love decisions. Slowly, the cold stone wall between us started to come down.

It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t overnight. But slowly our attitudes and our actions toward one another changed. And I stopped believing the marriage lies and replaced them with 3 marriage truths:

• Having a good marriage is more about being the right partner than having the right partner.
• Love is a decision.
• The grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water and fertilize it.

Maybe you’ve heard the marriage lies before. My heart aches for you if you are in a hard place in your marriage. And believe me, I know tough relationships are stinkin’ complicated and way beyond what a simple blog post can possibly untangle. But maybe something I’ve said today can help loosen one knot… or at least breathe a little hope into your life today.

I know marriage pain and I know marriage redemption. Building a bridge between those two realities isn’t easy but it is possible.

Our bridge was the culmination of a lot of little love decisions. Like the one I saw my husband make yesterday when I left my workout clothes in a pile on the floor in my bathroom.

This used to be such an aggravation to my man… me and my messes.

But look what I found when I got home… a love decision.

What love decision might you make today? Let me know in the comments below.