Lysa TerKeurst | Insecurities

Monday, January 28

Sitting At Home, Alone

They were laughing in their matching neon pink t-shirts with the words “Bethany’s Birthday Girls” printed on the front. They were going bowling after school. Then to get pizza. Then a sleep over.

When Bethany passed out the shirts by her locker that morning I pretended to be too busy to notice. I stayed hyper focused on unpacking my book bag into my locker. And then I hurried off to my first class.

It was clear. Bethany had made a list of her friends and I hadn’t been included.

I thought I would be. We’d gotten together before. I’d invited her to my pool party.

No big deal, I tried to tell myself all day. I had plans that night too.

To sit at home. Alone. And wonder why I hadn’t been chosen.

It’s been years since I watched those neon pink shirts all pile into a station wagon after school and drive away.

But it hasn’t been years since I’ve heard the negative inside chatter that ensued afterwards.

“You’re not liked.”

“You weren’t invited.”

“You weren’t chosen.”

Here’s what I wish I could have told my little sans pink t-shirt self back then…And what I need to remember when those same feelings creep in today…

Don’t put the whole of your identity into the smallness of this situation.

Not getting a pink t-shirt that day felt like a defining moment. And maybe it was for that day. I wasn’t invited to Bethany’s party. And that stunk.

But it wasn’t a defining moment of my identity.

It was a moment. And moments shift. People are fickle. People shift.

In the moment Bethany made the list of who to invite to her party, I wasn’t on the top of her mind. Not because she didn’t like me, but simply because she hadn’t thought about it.

It was a small situation.

And I can’t put the whole of my identity into the smallness of this situation. Or any other for that matter.

My Pastor used a verse in his sermon this week that echoes these same thoughts, “For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, AND YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN FULLNESS IN CHRIST,” (Colossians 2: 9-10).

I have been given fullness.

In Christ.

I can place the wholeness of my identity in that reality… and see everything else as small in comparison.

I want to invite you to join Women of Faith’s Sheila Walsh and me tomorrow, January 29th, at 9:00 p.m. EST for a FREE webcast on how to combat negative inside chatter.

You can sign up to receive a reminder about the webcast by clicking here. We would love to have you with us!

And there are prizes!!! We’ll be giving away 2 adorable, tiffany blue Women of Faith bags packed full of all kinds of goodies during the webcast.

- a copy of Unglued

- a copy of the Unglued Devotional

- God Loves Broken People by Sheila Walsh

- Stumble Into Grace by Lisa Harper

- What Women Fear by Angie Smith

- Pink Women of Faith T-Shirt

- Necklace and bracelet

- Women of Faith bag

All you have to do to enter is leave a comment on this post stating what you’ve learned about “Inside Chatter” in your life! We’ll be discussing your insights and announcing the winner tomorrow night on the webcast, so go on and get to commenting

For this party, everyone is invited!

From Overpowered to Empowered

Originally published on October 3, 2012.

A few weeks ago I drove to the airport in the pouring rain. The skies were grey. The day felt a bit gloomy. And honestly, so did I.

There were just a lot of little things swarming my thoughts. Feelings of inadequacy stinging. “There are so many things I’m responsible for and never enough hours in the day. I do enough to keep things from sinking. But I just wonder if I’m doing anything well. I don’t think I am – doing anything well.”

The more I focused on these thoughts, the more overpowered I became. The more overpowered I became, the more withdrawn I felt.

I pulled into the parking space and started the fight with my luggage. My suitcase has two wheels missing. And of course I keep intending to do something about this. But I don’t have time. So I make do with a crazy suitcase and a crazy life and a crazy sense I should just pack my family up and move out west somewhere. Live on a ranch where we grow our own food and I cook beans in a black pot over an open flame.

Surely that would fix everything.

Except that I know it wouldn’t.

Because the chaos isn’t from my circumstances. It’s inside me.

I boarded the plane. I stared out the window. I watched the grey clouds envelop us.

And then the grey broke.

Suddenly, we rose above the clouds and the sun was shining crazy bright and far wide and fabulously clear.

The clouds were just a temporary covering. They didn’t stop the sun from shining. They just prevented my eyes from seeing the sun. And it wasn’t just the sky that appeared a little brighter. My mood did as well.

I started to shift from feeling overpowered to empowered as I realized three things:

* Just because I feel it doesn’t make it real.

Just like I felt the sun was gone but it was very much still there, I might feel like I’m not doing anything well, but it doesn’t make it true. The fact that I have weaknesses doesn’t make everything about me weak. I have plenty of strengths.

All I have to do is ask a couple of my friends or my family members to help me see what I do well. I can celebrate those, and then get a plan for bettering things that need improvement. I can start by identifying one thing to improve on this month. And do a little toward making that one thing better.

* There are a lot of people who would trade their best day for my worst day.

Yes, I have a lot to manage. And yes, sometimes things get a little foggy. But that doesn’t mean I have to stay swallowed up in the grey. That means I need to get my head above the clouds and see all the many places where the sun is shining brightly in my life. So, I can start making a list of things for which I need to be thankful.

* My mind needs some space to think.

If I always run at a breakneck pace, I’m eventually going to break. My mind is a powerful tool, capable of seeing things that can be done more efficiently and effectively if I give myself time to think. When is the last time I just sat quietly with a pen and paper and asked the Lord to help me think?

If the clouds have been looming close lately, maybe it’s time to stop. Pause. Lift your eyes to an altitude that can rearrange your attitude.

And if you happen to know where I can get some good luggage with sturdy wheels, do tell.

The Rip Current of People-Pleasing

I’ve been working on a tangle of words, thoughts, and ideas on “People-Pleasing.”

Bring this phrase up in a group of women and the responses are interesting. Most quickly say they struggle with this to some degree. Those that say they don’t struggle with people-pleasing eventually admit it is present in at least one of their relationships before the conversation is over.

So, people-pleasing is something that affects most of us.

And yet, it is something we seem kind of resigned to having to deal with rather than determined to overcome it.

Why is that?

Yesterday I tweeted, “Dead giveaway I’m in the rip current of people-pleasing – when I dread saying yes but feel powerless to say no.”

We all want to be liked. There’s nothing wrong with that. But as we travel the path toward love and acceptance let’s take a look at two of the possible motivations behind people-pleasing.

One motivation is to give love out of the kindness of our heart. In giving love we feel love. That’s good.

Another motivation is to give to others out of what we hope to get in return – love. In getting love from what we do, we feel desperate to do more to get more. That’s dangerous.

It’s the second way that gets us into trouble with people-pleasing. It’s not wrong to want to make others feel loved, happy, and pleased. But if we are doing it with the motivation of getting things in return, we will set ourselves up for trouble. Being in a constant state of trying to get love by doing more and more will lead to exhaustion.

Exhaustion for the giver. Exhaustion for the taker. Exhaustion in the relationship all together.

Ephesians 5:8-10 says, “For at one time you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.”

I like the explanation of what the fruit or evidence is of us walking as children of light – doing what is good, right, and true – as we discern what is pleasing to the Lord.

I am challenged to make this a filter for the decisions I’m making today.

If I’m seeking to please the Lord, I will ask some questions before agreeing to do something for another person: Am I doing this with good motives, right intentions, and true expectations?

Or am I doing this with:

Fearful motives … They might not like me if I say no.

Skewed intentions … If I do this for them will they be more likely to do that for me?

Unrealistic expectations … I just know if I give a little more, they’ll affirm me and I’m desperate for their affirmation.

Wherever we focus our attention the most, that will become the driving force in our lives. The more I focus on trying to figure out how to please people, the more of a magnified force people-pleasing will become in my life. The more I focus on trying to figure out how to please God, the more of a magnified force He will become in my life.

My focus. My choice.

Have you experienced the cycle of doing more to get more? I would love to hear your thoughts on this today.