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Thursday, January 17

Valentine’s Tips For The Misters

Want to know one of the worst days of the year for some guys? February 15th.

Why?

Because on February 14th at 6:37 p.m. they entered the grocery store in a panic looking for roses and candy. Oh and a card too. And all that was left was what nobody else wanted. The wilted arrangement. The dusty candy. The cheesy card. Happy Valentine’s Day.

At 7:04 p.m. they got home and proudly presented their gift as if they’d been planning it for days.

Their girl smiled. And said thank you. But there was this hesitation in the way she smiled. A catch in her voice. Something wasn’t right. So he asked, “Everything okay?”

She replied with the classic, “I’m fine” that really means she’s not fine at all but you better figure out why on your own. And make it right. Right now.

But he doesn’t pick up on the clues. Doesn’t know what to do with the subtle not-so-subtle attitude. Until the next morning. February 15th comes on the scene with a chill in the air that has nothing to do with the outside temperature.

He didn’t make her feel special. Instead of adored she felt ignored. Women know when there’s been very little thought put into a Valentine’s gift. And they’re highly disappointed when they don’t have anything to humbly brag about their man to their girlfriends that February 14th afternoon.

While she was making heart shaped meatloaf. And hand-made doilies. And red-sprinkled cookies that almost made her lose her ever-loving mind when the kids insisted on dumping said sprinkles in each other’s hair. But by golly she’s been planning this day with great intentionality for her man. And not even kid covered sprinkle disasters were going to stop her.

Plus, she’d been getting up the gumption to wear something other than flannel sweatpants that night. Yes, she was all prepared. And happy. Until.

The obvious grocery store leftover gifts were what she got in return.

Ahem.

Wait a minute. Why am I writing a Valentine’s Day Post in January? Well, I want to help avoid that dreaded February 15th relationship chill. That makes women go quiet. And that makes men scratch their heads in complete and utter dismay.

Here are 3 Valentine’s Tips for the Misters:

1. February 13th is a great day to give a little pre-gift. Something little that says, “You are special enough to be celebrated a little before everyone else. I adore you and couldn’t wait until tomorrow.” Okay, maybe a guy’s thoughts aren’t that mushy, but a gift a day in advance certainly speaks wonderfully tender sentiments on your behalf.

Remember a simple dandelion on a no name day means more to a woman than a dozen roses on a Hallmark holiday.

But we still want the roses on February 14th too. Even if we say we don’t. We’re nothing if not wonderfully complicated.

2. Give a gift in line with her love language. (Thank you Gary Chapman!)
When I surveyed women on Twitter and Facebook about advice they’d want me to offer the misters, the ideas were incredibly varied from a night on the town to a hunting expedition. I kid you not, one sweet gal wanted to get her Duck Dynasty on and head to a shooting range. But that’s her unique thing… please don’t go all Duck Dynasty on your girl unless you know for sure this is her thing.

Here are some other ideas that came in through social media that are right in line with the 5 love languages:

Encouraging Words- Michelle said, “Just do a small gesture you wouldn’t normally do- like write a poem.”

Physical Touch- Kalis said, “Bubble bath for two complete with candles and soft music. Make sure the kids are sent to Grandma’s.” Oh la la. Of course, if you’re not married do this idea sans the bubble bath. Sorry, I guess it’s the mama in me that just felt compelled to throw that little obvious tidbit in.

Quality Time- Kent said, “Unplug that day. My wife would love to throw my iPhone in the lake at times.”

Acts of Service- Kassie said, “Can I get my house cleaned, please?”

Gifts- Melissa said, “Pay attention to what she likes to buy herself, and then take that idea up a few notches for a gift.”

3. Ask your wife an important question on this day of love: “What’s something I could do to love you better?”

Valentine’s is a great day to get intentional with loving your girl. But why not let this intentionality continue to linger a bit? Commit to doing this suggestion she gives. Write it into your calendar. Make it a priority. And please remember when she gives you this answer, this isn’t a criticism of what has been, but a call to action for a stronger relationship in the future.

So, February 15th doesn’t have to be a dreaded day now. And I thought I might offer one more thing… a giveaway!! Yes girls, you can comment and enter too. I knew you’d be sneaking a read here :)

Leave a comment below sharing any Valentine’s ideas you have for the misters or the girls. You’ll be entered to win one of three gift packs containing my books:
Capture Her Heart- for husbands”

AND “Capture His Heart- for wives!”

Happy February 14th and 15th!!! Whew, I think I need one of those red sprinkle cookies right about now please. And for my sweet single friends, I have an article coming just for you in the near future!

Discussion

  1. 515

    Wow, as I was reading your blog this morning, I had a Feb 15th experience, but it was my husband being shut down. I need the book, Capturing your Husband’s heart. He said something and I responded, verbally trying to understand his comment and question. When I did, he said, “Never mind. You just can’t answer a question with out talking about yourself. Can’t you just listen?”

    Would you believe I was reading your blog as a part of my Proverbs 31 study. I’ve been reading that chapter daily and then reading devotions (blogs on the weekend), trying to be a wife that uplifts and doesn’t disappoint him.

    I get disappointed with him, too, but it seems my disappointments are not well placed, they come from my own selfishness. I’ve been married 44 years and still can’t get this right.

    We don’t exchange Valentine’s cards anymore. They seem like an awfully expensive way to say “I love you”. Somtimes, when we’re in a playful mood and in a store that sells cards, we’ll pick cards out for each other and say, “if I were going to spend $X on you, this is the card I’d get.” We read each other’s sentiments, laugh and move on. Valentine’s day is a wonderful time to remember the one you love, but Valentine’s day doesn’t have to be February 14th. It can be any day.

  2. 516

    Wdhatever way you plan to celebrate make sure it starts in the morning. I think it is important to acknowledge a special day from morning to night.

  3. 517

    One of the best valentines day gifts my husband gave me (knowing I was trying hard to avoid the sweets) was replacing the usual candy one year with some pretty nail polish & lip stick he had painstakinly picked out. It was encouraging & meant he was tuned in!

  4. 518

    I love the idea of a gift on 13th that sounded so nice. A few years ago I hand stitched the words I LOVE YOU onto a new white pillow case. I added to red felt hearts with my husbands name and mine. I love to decorate every room in our house for every holiday/occasion. So every February since day 1 I bring out the pillowcase and decorate our room. My husband loves that I took the time to make him this, and since the first of February there’s a reminded for both of our love and the years we have enjoyed together.

  5. 519
    hopefullgrammie says:

    This is our 32nd Valentines day together and we have a variety of experiences (warm and fuzzy as well as cold and forgotten), but we are committed to each other and to the Lord. I know his heart toward me is full of love even when he completely has forgotten. I find it is best not to test his ability to remember but to remind him somehow the week before and then lay down my expectations and work on respecting him.

  6. 520

    This is so great, Lysa, thank you! I have two quick suggestions. Men: do something overt to show your wife you are leading her spiritually. If you don’t normally pray together, just start. In the spirit of the Sanctus Real song, “Lead Me,” most of us gals just want our men to lead us someplace good and safe. By the way, did you know that prayer is an aphrodisiac for women? Second suggestion: read something together. Find a quality source and read it however it fits your styles. (Alone, together, out loud, listen to an audio book, etc.) I begged for years for my husband to read with me, to no avail. We were going through some major trials last year, and we began reading Kay Arthur’s, “As Silver Refined” to each other. Jackpot! He may not want to read alone and then discuss, book club style, but he LOVES to hear me read to him. He says so, because we are still doing this. If you are feeling frisky, pick a Christian book about intimacy, or write your own!

  7. 521

    I told my hubby when we were first married I don’t need/want flowers or candy or a gift for Valentine’s. I just want a card you took time to pick out several days ahead of time so I don’t get a picked over one. And he’s done well! That and the fact that he shows me every day how much he loves me through his words and actions. We are blessed with a good marriage and I don’t take that for granted.

  8. 522
    Shelly White says:

    I’ve learned that such thoughts pop up every so often, and I can remember them still from different phases in my life. I am 46 now and still recall a lot of thoughts of inferiority in elementary school from even Kindergarten, and especially in the 6th grade. I can remember some times in Middle School, for sure, and High School as well. I can remember times throughout my adult life from a catty sister-in-law to an insensitive, obnoxious boss. Comments about me or to me, or being left out, can still take me all the way back to my inferiority complexes of old as a young girl. I am getting better at training my thoughts to reflect God’s truth with each passing year, thankfully, and hope to get to a time in which memories that make me feel like I’m not as good as others will keep getting less and less frequent as I reflect more of my time on who I am as God’s girl.

  9. 523
    Chaunda Jensen says:

    I love the idea of the Feb. 13th pre-V day gift! Start celebrating early!!! I am actually doing something new this year for my husband. I am calling it “14 Days of Love”… giving him a “little” something special (all food treat related) starting on the 1st and every morning until the 14th. I have had so much fun shopping and planning it! I can’t wait!

  10. 524

    My husband is leaving tomorrow for a 9 month deployment but I already have his “new” address so I am going to send him a jar with Reese’s Pieces layered by color with a note that says “I love you to pieces”. My kids are 8 and 9 and I am also doing this for them. As for him he gets off easy this year because we live in Germany and I am buying myself a Polish Pottery stool :).

  11. 525
    Nicole L. says:

    Spend time together – no kids, no interruptions. Valentine’s Day is a perfect excuse for a date. Make it romantic and don’t talk about “hot-button” issues. Just have fun and pretend you’re dating all over again.

  12. 526
    Meghan G. says:

    My husband has said it well…what about me? He wants to feel loved too, that made me think we spend so much time sulking after the anticipation and disappointment, not thinking about how that day is about celebrating what you have together and appreciating what you have together. It’s not just about he appreciating you and vice versa. It’s about the you the the two of you create together, if you have that perspective on that day, and throughout your marriage things will be radically different. So, a practical suggestion would be to do something that will speak to that.

  13. 527

    Being presented with gifts of things or dinners out are wonderful and I wouldn’t turn them down, but for me, expressions of love, physical touch and a heartfelt “thank you” are all I need. It’s all about feelings rather than possessions in my life.

  14. 528

    I will never forget the year that my husband sent roses to me at work on February 13th and I wondered, really?? I was somewhat disappointed and shamingly, I received roses on February 14th also. He really got me~he had planned it all along!! Boy was I surprised~

  15. 529
    Heather T says:

    I’ve actually been eyeing these books for quite some time. I’m not married, but am in a serious relationship with a wonderful God Sent Man. I was introduced to Ms Terkeurst through a Made to Crave class at my church and have been a huge fan ever since. These books were recommended to us not too long ago to help strengthen our relationship before and after we marry.

  16. 530

    A cute idea I learned of
    a number of years ago, from a sweet elderly couple in my church was
    buying/making a very special valentine that reflects how you feel about your spouse but
    does not say “For My Wife or For My Husband” and then each year, on Valentines Day
    take turns presenting it to each other, dated, with a little sentiment of love written in it.
    I have started doing this with our anniversary card as well. I love finding this card in my dresser drawer, and re-reading the messages. The funniest one, was the year my hubby
    signed it “Lots of Mark”…he was obviously tired when he wrote it! I love my man.

  17. 531

    We often go to the store together and ffind greeting cards we like for each other and have the other read them. It is fun and you can even pick several to share ( maybe a funny and a serious). Then we rent a movie and enjoy an evening at home.

  18. 532

    I hope and pray tomorrow night’s webcast can teach me how to stop negative thinking. It cripples me, for a while, too.

  19. 533
    Sherry Thompson says:

    Love your messages everyday. Really struggling at this point n my life. Just want to give up. That’s just some brutal honesty. Really beyond wanting a packaged “just pray about it” answer. My heart just hurts.

    • 534

      Miss Sherry,
      Believe me when I tell you I know how you feel.
      My heart has been hurting now for 1 year and a 1/2. And I’m still hanging in there, and I still pray and know the Lord will make everything better, I just know it.
      That gives me strenght to go on.
      I am praying for you and know i am here for you.
      Sarah

  20. 535

    We haven’t been regular Valentine’s Day celebraters (as in giving the floral shops and card companies lots of business around that time) but we do celebrate our love, but more all the time…well, not ALL the time, but verbally at least every day. It’s hard to find a babysitter to actually go out somewhere, but my mom will be coming, and I think we will be able to finally be alone and talk at a restaurant and finish a meal without spilled waters and 10 extra packages of crackers and more crayons and limes that is probably each table’s quota…lol. I just really love spending time with my husband. Quality time is my love language…oh and massages. :)

  21. 536
    crystal becker says:

    I deal with inside chatter DAILY! I’m always comparing myself to others in my head. The inside chatter is so negative. I just need to remember who I am in Christ. I am loved, accepted, wanted, beautiful, chosen and redeemed.

  22. 537

    I am really excited for the Webcast tonight. My mom sent me the link to sign up for it yesterday and it came just in a time when I really need it! I am away at school and just struggling with some things on my own. Today I made the plan to get my school work and my cooking done early so that I will be free to kick back tonight and hear a little encouragement from God’s Word.

    Also I am throwing a Valentine’s Day party for all my single friends, guys and girls, because I think it is important to remember that the day of love does not have to be just about romance, but about being together and loving and appreciating each other :)

  23. 538

    I just love your ideas! My dear husband is so sweet he often brings me red roses on Valentine’s Day. I soooo appreciate the thought but I’m like you I’d be happy with Wal Mart daisies on a normal Tuesday. But since he insists on bringing the roses I wish they were at least my favorites, the white ones with soft pink around the edges. Or a real live hydrangea plant that we could put in the garden later. That would melt me totally. I’ve told him, but somehow he has “red roses are romantic” stuck in his head….so I have grown to love them because I know what he is really saying.

  24. 539

    I am one of those guys who once believed that February 14th was designed by Hallmark, Flowers.com and Russell Stover – their Black Friday. But on the verge of my 15th with my bride what I have learned is making that day special just reaffirms to her that she is special to me. 364 days are spent doing the same old – this one day can happen without kid disasters, crazy stress, or seeming to unappreciate my Rock. A little thought some me and her time and reminding her that I would still lasso the moon for her is the least I could do.

  25. 541

    This is a wonderful article/post for tips so that guys don’t find themselves in a place where they are ‘messing up’ for Valentine’s Day. I don’t see this as only something that can apply to guys either, although it is more directed towards them.

    I’m not married yet, but I am engaged. We are planning on getting married in just under two months away. My fiance and I are both still young (mid to late 20′s), so I know that we have a lot to grow in – but I am so glad that we have God as the center of our lives!

    My fiance tends to be someone that likes to do something spontaneously a lot and always surprising me with different things he comes up with. There are sometimes that it just seems like forever until I get to see what the surprise is, because at times he will leave a message for me on my phone or at my work saying that my time is already reserved at a certain time later that day or week.

    What means the most to me is that he will put time and effort into thinking of something fun to do or that would show me that he loves me. It makes me so happy and giddy to have that happen. There was something that he did that happened a few days ago, and I was giggling uncontrollably later on with a good lady friend of mine about our ‘sappy love stories’ and all.

    Last Valentine’s Day, he sent me on a scavenger hunt. He left me a note folded into my clothes for the day, and the hunt began. I was eager to find the next clue, and with each of those clues, he would also include a statement on each of what he found attractive in me or different reasons why he loved me or cared about me. There were enough clues to match the number of months that we had been together (so somewhere around thirty clues), and it led me to a restaurant backing up to the park where we first got to know each other. The restaurant is a small family-owned business, and he got them to replicate some of the foods that we cooked after our first date together.

    It was so special, because I knew that he put time into this in trying to show me that he loved me. And it wasn’t even an expensive way of doing it. It was just a minimum of a few hours that day to show me that I was worth putting the effort and time into.

  26. 542

    My love languange is acts of service. So, anything done for me, with the right attitude, is a total gift to me. Handwritten notes/cards speaks loudly too. Have received many from my hubby over the years and treasure them.

  27. 543

    I will never forget the year, (2011) when he told me “I had plans but I think its just another reason to make ppl spend money” How truly heart broken I was. I met my future husband two years beofre this and we never celebrated the holiday bc of the above said reasoning, and bc he was still grieving for the last girlfriend he had who was murdered, and took her last breath on the phone with Him. Its been so hard to overcome this and to not “be like her” per say and to have him realize how much he truly means to me.

    That same time frame of Valentines approaching he lost his job, and to make him feel good i went out and got him a card that told him i didnt think any less of him, and that i still loved him. to this day we still do not celebebrate valentines day, he wasted all the romance on the one who died. :( I know he loves me and i pray we can win bc i would love to get these books but cannot afford them simply bc we dnt have the money…our marriage is failing before it even starts, and i Just pray Lysa that you can help us so I can see the man that God my heavenly Father has brought into my life, for the first time.

  28. 544
    Brenda jensen says:

    I believe the best gift for Valentine’s Day would be to sit by each other and tell the other how much you appreciate and love each other, uplift the other like you should every day! Then you each say a prayer out loud for each other while holding hands and you couldjust continue to do this everyday and see how the Lord blesses not only your spouse but you too!

  29. 545

    I posted a link to this article on my online magazine, theREALmeMAGAZINE. I hope a lot of my readers (and their men) come by and learn this valuable lesson! I know it sure rang a bell with me! Thanks, Lysa!