Wednesday, October 31

Answering Your Questions About Pornography, Part 2

While it hasn’t been an easy discussion, bringing pornography out from the shadows is an important thing to do. I get a ton of letters from women in devastating situations due to pornography. Both because their husband is addicted, or they are.

Either way, it’s important to talk about.

But first, I want to let those of you who get this blog emailed to you know that I was just as caught off guard as anyone that political ads were attached to my post. The service I use did this without my knowledge. So, I have upgraded my service to the level where there should be no ads attached at all.

If you ever have any more problems with this, please let me know.

And thank you for your graciousness. That’s one of the many reasons why I love you so!

Today’s post will help answer an understandable concern some of you expressed from Monday’s post. If you missed part 1 of this discussion click here.

Here’s your question and Jake Larson, from XXX church, with an answer:

Is it really my husband’s issue, and not about my shortcomings, or lack of adventure in the bedroom?
 
I think what you are asking is, “If the wife was more creative and adventurous in the bedroom would it solve his problem?” Here’s my straightforward answer, not a chance! 

So many women have said to me in counseling sessions, following the discovery of their husband’s addiction, that they have a good sex life with their husband. 

I look at the husband and he agrees. By the way, this response by the husband almost sends the wife into an all out rage! It makes no sense to her. 

Hear me, your husband’s pornography addiction is NOT about you. 

You couldn’t be pretty enough, adventurous enough, or curvy enough to make it go away. Although a healthy sexual relationship will help a husband through recovery, he did not turn to pornography because of you. 

The reason why a man turns to pornography is often connected to his own insecurities and childhood. At some point in his life he learned that pornography would give him a reward in the midst of his fears, doubts, pain, and dysfunction.

Pornography became the one thing he could run to for relief when confused and hurting. The key to recovery is learning how to run to relationships of unconditional love.
___________________________________________________________________________________
 
From Lysa:  

For other men it’s a temptation of senses.  We live in a world saturated with opportunity to connect with inappropriate images.  

And this isn’t just a male issue. I’ve received letters from women addicted as well.

That’s why I wanted to provide a step toward getting help. A place to get some more answers. Visit the XXX Church website here.

In the comments below, let’s each pray for men and women caught in this addiction. Pray for their relationships, for healing, and for hope.

Discussion

  1. 1
    Christine Marie says:

    Father I thank you for your healing and restoration power. I ask now for that same healing and restoration for the women and men that are connected to this blog that are struggling. Allow them to feel your presence around them and know that they are safe in your care. I pray even right now that they would begin to overcome the fear and isolation that has trapped them. Help them to trust a Godly brother or sister that they can confide in. In Jesus Name, Amen.

  2. 2

    Hello Lysa. I just wanted to drop by your blog to say thank you so MUCH for the book, Unglued. What an amazing book! First off I must say, I stumbled across this book in the mist of “Unglued” stages. I’m a single momma of two. Two young children who look to me for words to speak and actions to simulate. When I read some sample chapters of this book, offered online I thought to myself, “this book is EXACTLY what our Father ordered!” It was such a blessing. Many nights I would read and read and… well you get the idea. I simply couldn’t put it down. How amazing it is to have someone who is able to share THEIR “Unglued” moments with an audience to relate to. This is a book I will forever keep in my library for all of those, “What would Lysa do, head in the purse, moments!” THANK you! You are a blessing to me…and my small family. May the Lord continue to bless you in your future books.

    *blessed* single momma of two, from Indiana
    Hattie

  3. 3

    Lord, I thank you for Lysa being willing to bring porn out of the shadows and help people to really address this addiction! Help those who struggle with this issue to realize that there is hope in Jesus and He can restore them. Amen

    I was told by my boyfriend at the time (now husband) that he was addicted to porn. Not the easiest thing to hear! I was actually surprised with my reaction; I was calm and understanding. Though at times when he was still struggling with it after he told me, it was hard not to feel like I wasn’t enough for him. But in time we started working on it together. I still to this day will tell him to look away from a TV commercial, TV program, movie (which is sadly getting worse!) or if a girl is dressed inappropriately and he thanks me each time. I will ask him every once in a while if he is still good to just make sure he isn’t starting to have an issue again with it. But I wouldn’t just start doing these things without asking if he is okay with it. It’s just something we learned along this hard road.
    One of the most important things I have recently learned is that my husband needs my pray and respect and not my negative, condescending comments. I’ve always known he doesn’t deserve my harsh comments, but even instead of complaining about what he isn’t doing or what he is doing wrong, pray for what you know God created him to be, a man of God and the spiritual leader in the family. I pray these things over my husband as much as I can. Our husbands aren’t going to become all they can be with us putting them down, but by our prayer and uplifting words.

    • 4

      Jenny, thank you for posting this. My boyfriend (we have been dating two months) recently asked me if we could have a threesome and what I thought about him having sex with other women. He still wants me and I am everything in his life he wants except for variety. I feel like that goes along with Porn and I am just not sure how to handle this. When I told him no on both things, he immeidately went into the victim. Saying he is the one that always sacrafices to make others happy. He doesn’t believe that I love him completely because theres no way I can love all of him if I don’t like the lifestyle he wants. I told him it was me and our relationship or that lifestyle. Of course it was an ultimadium, but there really isn’t any other choice here. Now he doesn’t want to talk about it, but there is still so much I have to say. Any advice on what to say and how to go about doing it would be great. I feel that an email would be best, because he can read and process, especially since he doesn’t want to talk about it any more.
      Thanks again.

  4. 5
    Chrystene says:

    What a difficult subject to discuss! Thanks to God for His forgiveness, compassion, mercy, understanding and wisdom. I praise God if we can turn our thoughts and change our lives towards Gods best for in my life and my loved ones, friends, relatives and being, diligent, devoted, delightful, decisive, deliverance. God’s perfect will. Prayers are welcome in my life, so a big amen, in Je-sus Christ our Lord and Saviors name. Any victory we have over problems I give thanks to God.

  5. 6

    Jesus I thank you that you are our healer and deliverer. Thank you for the cross and the freedom that it brings. Thank you for your blood. I ask that you will pour out your healing spirit on all those who suffer from this addiction and give strength and wisdom to those who are helping them to overcome this. I pray for those who are afraid to seek out help that they would no longer let fear and shame hold them back but that they would find someone full of your love and power to help them. I pray Lord that all those who need deliverance from this addiction would find it and recieve it from you. In the MIGHTY NAME OF JESUS! Amen.

  6. 7

    Father God, i come to you right now. Humbly kneeling in front of you on behalf of my brothers and sisters caught in the web of this addiction. Lord we know there is so much power in Your name. I pray this power will fall on them. I pray that somehow Your name will be lifed up and glorified through there recovery from addiction. I pray you will protect them from temptation. I pray their minds will become pure and Lord, also that they not be a temptation to anyone else. I pray, Lord, for the comforting of the ones affected by these people’s addiction. I pray for honesty, wisdom, courage and strength for everyone touched by this. I thank You and praise Your Holy name for deliverance and great love for us. I also pray Lord that Your light will shine on this issue in their lives. And the things done in secret will be brought to light. Thank you Lord for healing and hope. In Jesus’ name.

  7. 8
    Linda Hicks says:

    Jehovah Rapha – Lord, our Healer – Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, Who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. I ask You to draw near to those who are struggling to cope with this painful issue. Help them to scorn its shame but NOT scorn the person who has fallen prey into the enemy’s hands, even if it’s themselves. I have been that one who has pointed the condemning finger at my spouse and You showed me that You want me to hate my own sin as much as I hate this one, that as destructive as this sin is, all sin is destructive. Open up our spiritual eyes to see the enemy who is out to kill, steal, and destroy. Help us to FLEE from him. Lord I pray for those spouses who’ve been affected by this as I know the enemy has a scheme to trip them up in their reaction. I pray You’d equip them to handle this in a way that does not give the enemy another foothold. Thank You for setting us free from the power of sin – not just our own sin but the power of the sin of others. Keep us focused on loving You with all our heart, soul, and mind. And as a result, we’d be a vessel overflowing with the fragrance of grace, forgiveness, the balm of healing and hope. In Jesus’ beautiful name ~ Amen

  8. 9

    Thank you, Jake and Lysa, for these answers. As my husband and I went to counseling about his addiction, I eventually came to realize that his addiction wasn’t about me. It was his coping mechanism for dealing with pain. Once I had this Aha! Moment, I was able to put off the shame and self doubt and was able to see God’s healing in our relationship and in myself.

    I have past post on my blog where I address this issue: http://www.healingforyourheart.com/2011_07_01_archive.html

    I also have a giveaway going on and would love to connect with any of you walking this journey, http://www.healingforyourheart.com.

  9. 10

    Lysa, I felt a little nudge to leave a comment to let others know there is hope. I am married to a man who once was addicted to porn. With that addiction came physical abuse. The thing is when I met him I knew about it but I guess I just accepted it. (Blinded by love) But it didn’t stop there, he would openly flirt with women, in front of me. He would want me to dress and perform like the women he watched. Why and how did I put up with it? Not so good. That’s why the physical and verbal abuse started. I guess I believed in my God so much that I just knew what I was seeing and hearing was not him (my husband). There was times my husband used strength on me that was not humanly possible. All I could bring myself to say was “forgive him Lord for he knows not what he is doing.” I didn’t realize until recently that went on for probably 12 years. Please hear me that I’m not saying that it’s ok for you to take and stay in what I went through. For me, God was and is my strength. Ps.27:1 Today that man, my husband, is a changed man. He has made his heart Gods’ home. I totally give God the glory! I know that without a relationship with God I wouldn’t have been intune to His voice to hear His direction. It’s so important to lead prayerful lives, to meditate on God’s Word and to get scripture written on our hearts. Is everything perfect? By no means is it. But I can rejoice in knowing through Jesus Christ we live a victorious life! Oh, and this December 26th we will have been married 31 years. Woohoo!

  10. 12
    Molly Higle says:

    This couldn’t have been more timely. It amazes me how God orchestrates things. I needed this connection exactly at the moment you posted it! Praise God! I am thankful that you shared. I just wish it was in more depth. I will be looking into XXXChurch.
    Once again, Thank you for your faithfulness.

  11. 13

    Lord, You know every suffering, every trial, every temptation, and every sin we experience in this fallen world because You have been through it. You chose to give Yourself so that we can be reconciled to You, and there is nothing more precious than salvation…nothing compares. God, I pray that every heart who is wounded by the effects of this sin, whether the addicted person or the spouse navigating the murky waters alongside their beloved, feel the awesome power of Your healing and love. Shine Your divine light of truth into this darkness and make things clear — cast light upon that which is hidden, shine warm love into the places where hurt hides and fear resides…help us all to lean into You as we weather this storm. Give us strength when we are weary, and renewed love when our own well runs dry. Through You alone, all things that are lost can be found, and all things broken can be made anew. Please God, soften hardened hearts and gently guide back those who’ve strayed as only You can. And may those who don’t yet know you in an intimate relationship be drawn to You now. That we may all be reconciled to You in perfect love and wholeness, and one day, to walk with You in Heaven where there is no more sin or addiction. Only then will we see Your plans in all of this for us, and only then will we understand the far-reaching good our poured-out prayers have had for each other… For all who suffer…In the name of Christ Jesus…Amen.

    • 14

      Good Morning!

      I wrote this prayer post yesterday and then later on had my quiet time with the Lord. As I was praying, the Spirit nudged me that I had I had mis-written something in this post. I am glad to see that it hasn’t posted yet and that I could catch it! As I re-read it, I can see what the Spirit was saying. I accidentally implied that Jesus sinned, which could not be farther from the truth! And I would never want to mislead anyone when it comes to God! Could we just delete this? I would be grateful if we could.

      Thank you! And I am sorry for the confusion. :-) And I thank you, in advance, for giving me grace on this, too!

  12. 15

    Lord we all out here in blog land ask for your tender mercy and understanding on all who are going through addictions who are seeing no way out. Help them to understand that you Lord are the only way out of the darkness to bring them into your light…into your guidence..into your realm of mercy…Lord send down the rain in abundance right now and touch each and everyone of your children trying to reach you. In Jesus name. Amen!

  13. 16

    I truly appreciate all you’ve said. My husband has touched in the area of pornography and thankfully we are on the other side of walking through the healing, but there are times I still need to question him verbally and hear the reassurance that he’s walking uprightly. I take nothing for granted any longer. Plus, I think it’s important to remember women have the same temptation when they read fiction books that are not Christian, erotic love stories cast our eyes on what could be, what might be and the if only’s of wanting our husbands to be more romantic. Satan has such a sneaky way of being subtle, whispering in our ear and making us want more than what we have. Temptation comes in all colors, shapes and sizes. We must be continually aware of his deception. And walk in the victory and freedom that Jesus brings through righteous choices.

  14. 17

    Hey Lysa,
    First of all it was great to hear and see you at Pella last weekend!! God always speak to me thru you!!

    I also wanted to share a resource about the very topic you are discussing – the other day I heard an interview with Vicki Tiede and she shared of her journey with a husband addicted to porn. She has a new book coming out about her steps towards healing and how God used it to transform her. He can and does use bad for His good. The book is yet to release but it sounded like an excellent resource. She also has some good info on her site if anyone is interested. Here’s the link – http://vickitiede.com/
    Blessings Lysa,
    Jill

  15. 18

    Actually, I don’t think enough questions have been answered. Why is porn (whether it be video, photos, or written words) so alluring? Notice I didn’t say alluring to men nor to women. I’m interested into understanding why any of us is snagged, tagged, and bagged by it.

  16. 19

    Hi Lysa! This was so well written! So gracious and gentle on such a difficult topic. I just wanted to add (albeit with some hesitation because I don’t want to stir up conflict or controversy, but I feel strongly about this) that as we talk about and pray about the struggle some men have with pornography and the damage it does, we should also be mindful of the sinister evil of lust and pornography that entraps some women in the form of popular books. It’s a different media, but the same evil.

    Thanks for all you do. May God bless you!

  17. 20
    Ann Morrow says:

    Dear Lysa, I just want to thank you for the book ‘Unglued’ It is helping to change me and has helped me understand a really good friend who stated 6 months ago that I had really hurt her and our relationship cooled and was very strained as she wouldn’t tell me what I had done or said, so I was walking on egg shells around her. I found chapter 10 very helpful in understanding myself and my friend and i am pleased to say that after prayer and intermittent asking over the past 6 months. I got my Unglued Group ladies to pray for the situation and over the past week I have persisted in asking her to explain ( she said we could just forget it and start again or we could clear the air but i would be hurt by it- I chose the later and finally this morning I got her reply. Now the air is clear we can talk and the healing can begin. Thank you so much Lysa and may God continue to bless you.

  18. 21

    Is it totally unreasonable of me to expect my Christian husband to have victory over pornography within 4 years time?? I feel like we just keep traveling the same road over and over and over again. We have already separated twice over it and now I caught him again over the weekend. I am beyond angry, depressed and fed up! I really don’t know what to do with my own emotions over this, let alone his ongoing problem. HELP!!! Do I walk away? Do I continue to pray? It’s getting harder and harder to forgive and I am losing all desire to be intimate with him now…I really resent what he is doing to our marriage. Counseling is not helping. I do not know what to do or where to turn anymore.

  19. 22

    Just wanted to share this free (at least for now) ebook resource on this subject:

    http://vesselproject.com/free-kindle-ebook-resurrection-by-ashley-weis-george-weis/

    It’s written by a husband-wife team I know who have walked through porn addiction.

  20. 23

    As a woman whose husband struggles with this issue, I am glad to see that you are giving advice that is solid and grounded in scripture. We started our journey about 6 months into our marriage and have been struggling for the last 5 years to keep the communication lines open between us. The only thing that I would add is that, open and honest communication with your husband is going to be one of the greatest things you can give him. He has to know how you feels then and how you feel now. Keep it in the limelight and don’t let it get to the back burners. That’s where satan lives and loves to bring trouble from!!! Hubs knows that I will listen when he is struggling and needs an ear to help homework through his temptations and problems that lead to relapses in sin. I know that he needs and wants to hear how I am feeling about it.