I love Jesus. I love God. I love His Truth. I love People.
Both Christians and those who haven’t found their way yet, I love them.
But I don’t love packaged Christian answers. Those that tie everything up in a nice neat bow. And make life a little too tidy.
Because there just isn’t anything tidy about some things that happen in our broken world. The shooting that happened in Aurora, CO over the weekend is awful and sad and so incredibly evil.
And God help me, if I think I’m going to make things better by thinking up a clever Christian saying to add to all the dialogue. God certainly doesn’t need people like me with limited perspectives, limited understanding, limited depth — trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense.
Is there a place for God’s truth in all this? Absolutely. But we must, must, must let God direct us. In His time. In His way. In His love.
And when things are awful we should just say, “This is awful.” When things don’t make sense, we can’t shy away from just saying, “This doesn’t make sense.”
When my sister died a horribly tragic death, it was because a doctor prescribed some medication that no child should ever be given. And it set off a chain of events that eventually found my family standing over a pink rose draped casket.
Weeping.
Hurting.
Needing time to wrestle with grief and anger and loss.
And it infuriated my raw soul when people tried to sweep up the shattered pieces of our life by saying things like, “Well, God just needed another angel in heaven.” It took the shards of my grief and twisted them even more deeply into my already broken heart.
I understand why they said things like this. Because they wanted to say something. To make it better. Their compassion compelled them to come close.
And I wanted them there.
And then I didn’t.
Everything was a contradiction. I could be crying hysterically one minute and laughing the next. And then feel so awful for daring to laugh that I wanted to cuss. And then sing a praise song. I wanted to shake my fist at God and then read His Scriptures for hours.
There’s just nothing tidy about all that.
You want to know the best thing someone said to me in the middle of my grief?
I was standing in the midst of all the tears falling down on black dresses and black suits on that grey funeral day. My heels were sinking into the grass. I was staring down at an ant pile. The ants were running like mad around a footprint that had squashed their home.
I was wondering if I stood in that pile and let them sting me a million times if maybe that pain would distract me from my soul pain. At least I knew how to soothe physical pain.
Suddenly, this little pigtailed girl skipped by me and exclaimed, “I hate ants.”
And that was hands down the best thing anyone said that day.
Because she just entered in right where I was. Noticed where I was focused in that moment and just said something basic. Normal. Obvious.
Yes, there is a place for a solid Christian answer. Absolutely.
But there’s also a place to just weep with no answers at all.
God help us to know the difference.
Amen.
And sometimes when there is nothing to be said, it’s best to pray.
I so agree…time to be still…be in the moment. On the day of our 8 day old daughter’s funeral a relative asked me if we were planning on having more children…really? It would have been so much better to have just reached out and hugged me…but it felt like they were slamming shut the door on our daughters life and moving on…when I needed to be still…in that moment. It wasn’t their intention…but it was a knife in my heart.
Oh Lisa… I so understand. And stories like ours is exactly why I wrote this post. Much love to you…
AMEN girlfriend!!!
I agree. Sit in the moment. Get angry at the enemy. We live in a fallen world. It is not God that causes these things to happen, but the fruit of the enemy. Grace and Mercy needs to be abundant during such times.
Well said. Thank you for putting into words what most of us aren’t sure how to say.
I so agree with this. No matter how much people want to help iin a time of loss like a death, their words tend to not help. Actually some are even very wrong. After losing my husband of 19 years and then 4 months later losing my only sister, I so wanted to write a book of “what not to say at a funeral”. I think the most comforting words to me were “I am sorry for your loss and I will be praying for you”. As a song says it best – “just love them like Jesus” – don’t try to make it better.
This is exactly why I subscribe to your blog. Thank YOU!
Amen.
Profound, tender, gracious, honest, real…thank you Lysa.
Thank you, Lysa, once again for your amazing honesty and transparency. Just what we needed to hear right now. Blessings.
You have touched on every basic human need and emotion and most of all the importance of God and His word and His truth in a time when there is no answer or explanation. Thanks to everyone who shares, Gods Mercy everyday!
Well said, I know I have said things to people that have had a loss and then walked away wishing I hadn’t said that at all. Also, I know I felt the same about this shooting, while watching all these reporters, that you can not make sense of something that is so senseless. God bless you.
And to Lisa S. – thank you for sharing that moment in your life. All I can say is “wow!”
so thankful that we have a God who can handle our questions, our doubts and our anger…and still lovingly take us under his sheltering arms.
I love this more than I can ever say. I had a miscarriage 3 years ago. The words of some well meaning people still hurt today as I remember – “God was just taking care of a mistake”. Some suggested that the sex of the baby was wrong or the baby had a health defect and God was taking care of it. The absolute BEST thing ever? A friend who said “Man, this sucks”. Thank you Lysa!!!!
Went through the same thing…my friends offered the same suggestions and I know they were truly trying to comfort my situation. My friend Christine gave me the same response, “Man, this sucks!” That was priceless
I had this same experience with a miscarriage. Well-intentioned people often say some of the dumbest things! The thing that helped me the most was someone giving me “permission” to grieve the loss of the child I wanted so badly.
We need to always be honest with people.
I too lost my first son when we was 18 weeks gestation. Well meaning people were every where. Sometimes they reach well beyond the initial situation. When I was pregnant with my second son someone told me my first son had to die so they could figure out what was wrong with me so the second one could live. REALLY?!? I wanted to scream did God really not have anything better to do or a better way to figure that out? I gracefully but God’s power chose to understand she was just trying to make since out of losing someone when I did not make since.
I adopting the phrase “Man this sucks” and am making a pledge to think before I speak and try very hard to not give a generic response. Thanks Lysa for this message today.
Thank you Lysa. Finally, someone said it. I’ve gone through the ugliest 2 years of my life, and the one thing that has hurt me more than anything was the “Christian answers” and constant “advice” people have given me–it makes me want to scream and vomit at the same time because they have no idea what they are talking about. Only God knows and can understand. Thank you, thank you.
I agree. The best thing someone said to me at my brothers funeral years ago was, “Do you want an orange tic tac, I know they’re your favorite color”? I understand.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Well put!
(((((Big Hugs)))) to you, Sister! Having been through the funeral of my sister at age 10 (my sis Tina was 14) I can relate.
Lysa, wow…so true…you describe it so well…my heel is sinking down into the grass with you…may we all picture that moment before we open our mouths to speak at such a time as this…
we’ve talked alot about giving answers just to give one in my sunday school class (adult)…i think people need to get over their need to say something and admit they don’t know what to say…stop talking and just BE there…admit we don’t have answers and that its ok not to know. The worst thing that someone said to me after i miscarried was ‘better luck next time’, i kid you not. i wanted to slap her. the best thing anyone did was my friend and neighbor (who was pregnant and due within a few weeks of when i was going to be due) came over and just hugged me and prayed. thank you Lysa!
I hear you. I’ve been in crisis for a few months with a mental disorder and most of my so-called friends have bombarded me with Christian platitudes that do not help.
Amen. Just amen.
Let the church say Amen! Its okay to not have the answers. Here’s a little a something my Pastor Jeff says: Be there, Be quiet, and be okay with not having all the answers. I love you Lysa your ministry is changing my life.
When my sister disappeared for over 20 years, it ended with a murder trial 8 years ago, where her husband was charged. The judge declared her dead, but did not feel there was enough evidence to convict him. All through the years people wanted me to get on with my life. We did have a memorial service for her a month after the trial.
Things do not fit into nice little boxes. And when you lose someone, just your presence says so much.The best thing said to me was one day when I was being tormented by images of what her last moments might have been. The Lord whispered to me, “Anne, I was with her.” Nothing gave me peace like that. Thanks for your post Lysa. Thanks for your transparency.
I am so sorry Anne. Wish I could give you a Sisterly hug ♥
Thanks, Gail. I so appreciate that.
I believe that God works things together for good. What happens to us is not always good. As Lysa said, sometimes it’s evil. But God still works it together for good. I also believe some of the things we go through give us a sensitivity for others we might not get otherwise. I am drawn to those who hurt. I know that’s God.
Anne ~ How traumatic! I can’t even imagine the horror & pain you must have gone through. I’m praising God for that small whisper of peace that He gave you.
Blessings & peace to you ~
Linda K.
Thanks, Linda. You know God can comfort us like no one else. Maybe that’s why he refers to it as a peace that passes understanding. I am working on a book about loss. I would so appreciate prayer about this. I want to help others who feel alone. I want them to know He is with them, even when they don’t feel like it.
And again amen.
Thank you, so true. Some days I just need a hug. Only the Lord can heal the hardest hurts that come, but hugs help!
Lysa ~ my friend Tracy & I were JUST talking about how much we appreciate your down-to-earth honesty about your life & struggles…so many [wonderful & well-meaning] Christian speakers seem like they have it all together…but not you!! [That IS a compliment!
] You are REAL!!
So many people have said the worst Christian platitudes during the aftermaths of my father-in-law’s suicide, of the disrupted adoption of a baby we’d had for a year, of my struggles with an anxiety disorder….some of those people were well-meaning, some were selfish…but through the years, God has given me the grace to forgive them all….
Julie & Cindy b. ~ I’m weeping with you; my heart hurts for you ~ I have been there…praying that Jesus wraps you in His warm embrace and snuggles you close to His heart – for as long as you need!!
Amen and AMEN!
Thank you for putting words to so many peoples’ feelings.
One of the best things I heard as I started my journey thru the valley was from a dear friend. When I was telling her I had breast cancer and was scared about chemo and that I didn’t want to be bald she said, “Oh honey, I have known you for 20 years and have seen all SORTS of hairdos on you. You will be beautiful!”
Oh that God would put a guard over the door of our lips when we are tempted to fill the empty space with words rather than simply our presence and prayers!
Thank you Lysa.
I have learned that sometimes saying nothing is the best policy. As a child who lost both parents by 14, which caused me to turn away from God for 30 years, there was nothing no one could say.
BTW, just got Made to Crave, hope that will help me with my carb cravings. Hoping I can do it as a informal or formal study at church some day. : )
Have a wonder-filled day!
Losing a baby and hearing people say, ‘It just wasn’t meant to be.’ Doesn’t help. Losing my father and hearing people say, ‘He had a good innings.’ Nope.
Thanks Lysa. How we wish we knew the answers. Maybe one day it’ll make sense but not this side of Heaven,
I hate ants too.
Thank you, so much tragedy in this world. So much heart ache. So sad at times and there are no words to say, if only we weren’t so scared of silence. Sometimes a hug and silence is all we have to offer – or as someone else said – “It just sucks” sometimes thats the truth. No reason to sugarcoat it. Bad things do happen, I’ve been trying to explain that to my son who is having a hard time with that lately and questioning his faith and pulling away from everyone. I’m so scared for him, praying so hard for him, but he hurting so much right now and just nothing you can say or do will help. Just got to be there for him with open arms when he needs it. So Thank you all for just reminding us sometimes there are no words for it!
Lysa, thank you for the perfect post to such a tragic event! Sometimes no words are the best thing you can give besides a hug!
I like this. Thank you.
I competely agree! When my husband died over 8 years ago at the age of 42 (due to medication prescribed also) it left me alone, no insurance, no job and a just turned 12 year old son to raise.
People have no clue how much what they say hurts… even the closest friends and relatives, they try to comfort and wind up pouring salt into the wounds.
What I normally say is “I’m so sorry for your loss, may I give you a hug? (and then if appropriate) I’ll be right over there if you’d like to talk or need a break.”
This is one of the best things I’ve read in a long time. Thank you for saying what needed to be said.
Lysa, I lost my Dad just 6 weeks ago and I still find myself in “contradiction”. Thank you for putting into words what I am feeling everyday. God bless you! Much love.
To all of you out there who have experienced thoughtless words uttered to you after your tragic experiences, I’m sorry for how it made you hurt more. This was truth that we all needed to hear whether for the first time or as a reminder; thank you Lysa. I don’t claim to ‘know the right thing to say’ but this phrase was planted on my lips by God (I say that because when I saw her from afar and knew our paths were going to cross, my mind was going into a spin wondering what on earth I was going to say to her; what could I possibly say to her; the words were ‘given’ to me…I’m convinced) as I ran into a casual friend in a grocery store one day. Her son had just been convicted of a crime which tore her heart out. We hugged which brought tears and I said to her, “I’m so sorry for your pain”. She did not reject the statement; she responded to it. More times then not, in our grief, we don’t need or want justification……we want someone to care……to acknowledge what we are going through without telling us ‘their’ story. Keep it short, simple, truthful.
Well said Joy, such a great reminder!
Amen! Sometimes there just are no words… that is what I learned from hearing all the wrong things… I want to be quiet instead of speak Christianese and make it worse.
Our world is so full of broken people and we are all a mess, Christian or non. Thank you Lysa for speaking out in truth. Sometimes I’ve found you just need to hold someone’s hand or say “I’m sorry” that I have learned goes a long, long way.
After 3 years of infertility treatments to have our 4th child I miscarried a singleton and the 6 months later miscarried twins. Perfectly healthy normal embryos. I had an older friend tell me not to even cy over the loss because it was God’s way of getting rid of unhealthy babies. Ugh! But the best thing that anyone said to me was a friend who had lost a baby, “This is going to hurt for a long time.” She was right.
Profound and so true. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for writing this, sharing your heart, hurt, and life, and being a voice for those of us who hurt. A week ago my husband turned my world upside down. He became very violent. He physically and sexually assaulted me. He was arrested. My world and my heart is coming apart at the seams. And Thursday I am scheduled for a hysterectomy after not being able to have to children. I lost three pre-born children. I come from a childhood of sexual abuse and was raped as an adult. When will this ever end?
Oh ((((Judy)))), sending you cyber hugs…I’m so sorry for all the painful things you’ve gone through and are still dealing with…my heart hurts for you.
With much love…Tami
I doubt that my comment will be received with much approval, but I do disagree and that is me being honest. We have something different from the world to offer and if we encourage people to be quiet we buy into the worlds ways. I have been thru difficult times and went looking for God’s answers and found people too quick to give me sympathy, when all I wanted was something of God to hold on to. What the world offered left a void, what scripture offered gave me something to hold on to and brought victory in the end. Maybe each person is offering what they would like in their time of need, yes we do need to pray for discernment and wisdom of the Holy Spirit and then leave the results to Him.
Hi Carol,
I don’t think we are saying different things. I’m not asking people to be quiet… I’m asking them to be discerning. Like I said at the end of the post…
“Yes, there is a place for a solid Christian answer. Absolutely.
But there’s also a place to just weep with no answers at all.
God help us to know the difference.”
I hope that helps my friend.
Very good words. While I go out and share the truth of Christ, people are not looking for “Christian-y” answers — but real answers to life’s tough questions. On Saturday, I will be leaving for two weeks of going door-to-door in Provo, Utah in conjunction with our media campaign pointing Mormons to http://www.beyeperfect.org. Our message is filled with love and respect with the idea of introducing the Word of God through a short survey related to the campaign. Sharing the love of Christ, with the love of Christ, that conveys truth you can trust in, is paramount in today’s world. Good words are shared on this site.
Amen! I am not God and do not know everything. At a loss of life, I hug and tell them I love them. I don’t tell the person I am going to pray for them..sometimes that even triggers more hurt. (I still pray in my quiet time) I never buy sympathy cards…I will by ‘thinkingthe of you’ cards. I loved your whole devotion.
My heart breaks for all these families. God just be with them and engulf them with the understanding only He can give
My mama died suddenly of a stroke over a month ago. It’s been three years since being diagnosed borderline personality disorder. God, my counselor, and I worked hard and I have moved away from that diagnosis. I know to keep it real. With the death of my mom I am feeling so torn apart. I know all the right thoughts to think but my heart is just broken in prices. Greiving has its processes and I’m so afraid that I will get stuck again and move back towards borderline. My husband works out of state and I’m alone with 3kiddos who don’t understand why mom is acting as this way causing them to act out. I feel like I am losing control. Yes, I know God is in control too
I feel so alone… I just want people to stop asking if I am OK and just hold me. I want them to quit saying if you need anything let me know. Why can they just drop. In or ring me up.? I’m not ok people! I want my mommy and can’t have her!!!! (yes she was a fabulous christian woman. Yes I will see her again.) those thought will comfort me much time down the road. I get just a little glimmer of joy and energy so I take advantage of it and try to do the things that I haven’t been doing, as soon as I start a memory of mom comes through and I’m back down and tired. I feel as though there isn’t any safe place for me to live without the pain. Ugh sorry everyone. Thanks for letting me share.
Months and months after my father suddenly passed away my aunt brought a book for my mom and I to read. I book that had helped her because her husband had passed suddenly just 5 months before my father. The book basically said that everyone is put on this earth for a reason, we all have things we are suppose to accomplish or that our lives touch others to accomplish some thing. And “When our work is done” then we go to be with the lord. This made me feel like my dad had done his work and now was his time to do a different kind of work. Even small children, when they die at birth or withing the first year of life are doing some kind of work. A friend lost a baby and that made her make new decisions. Now she’s a nurse helping cancer patients. He oldest daughter is a pediatric nurse. Had that baby never been born it’s possible that neither of them would be doing what they do to help others. Probably not comforting standing graveside but later when I was still searching for answers it helped.
Amen!!! Thank you for being real
Thank you so much for your blog post today. How true – we found this to be so too.
4 years ago tomorrow – we held the perfect little body of our little grandson, our FIRST, Jay Benjamin, who was born full term but silently. Somewhere within the last 5 minutes of delivery – his heart stopped, and ours was shattered into a million pieces. He was absolutely perfect, and why his heart stopped, is a mystery only God understands. We received many answers/comments and some were hurtful as well. It was a time of deep deep grief, and a journey that I would never want to relive. And yet, from that we see how God has worked, and moved, and drawn us. We will never know why, but we do know that God is sovereign. Life – is hard – very very hard – but where would I/we be without our God!!