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Wednesday, May 9

The Boy Questions

A year ago, I posted the following thoughts in preparation to write Made to Crave for Young Women. But I wanted to repost this now that the book is out and give several copies away. Please leave a comment below to be entered.

I wrote this book with Shaunti Feldhahn, amazing friend, author and social researcher. In other words, moms, if you really want to know what your girls are thinking, you’ll want to read this. She has woven her amazing research with teens all throughout this book.

The focus of this book centers around ways Satan tries to distract us from God. He wants us to get legitimate needs met in an illegitimate way.

Oh how I wish I’d had this book in my teens years.

Satan comes after us in these three areas:

Physical Desires
Material Desires
Emotional Desires

It’s the same three ways he came after Eve in the Garden of Eden. It’s the same three ways he came after Jesus in the desert.

It’s the same three ways we’re told not to get lured away from God in 1 John 2:15-17, “Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world — the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does — comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.”

Here are those same verses from The Message Bible:

Don’t love the world’s ways. Don’t love the world’s goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world — wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important — has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out — but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.

So, how do we communicate these truths in an everyday way that will connect with a teens heart? One way to do that is by equipping them with the right questions to ask. For example, under the section on emotional desires, I tackle attention and affection from boys.

Whew… what a topic right?

As a mom of teen girls, there’s a big part of me that wants to say, “stay away from boys until you’re 30!” Okay, maybe 28. Ahem.

But, maybe a more realistic approach is to teach them the right questions to ask before spending time with a friend boy. (And yes, that wording is intentional.)

Worship — Who or what does he worship in the shrine of his heart?

Words — Do his words (spoken and written) build others up or tear them down?

Character — Who is he when no one else is looking?

Personality — Who is he around other people?

Interests — What kinds of things does he do to recharge?

Feelings — Do you feel better about yourself when he’s around?

Attraction — Is your attraction to him centered around something that will stay over time?

When asking these questions about a boy you are interested in, don’t ask based on what you hope will be in the future, ask these questions based on the reality of today.

What do you think about these questions? Are there others you would add? What speaks to your heart most from the verses shared from 1 John 2? Which young woman in your life do you want to share this message with?

Leave a comment and you’ll be entered to win one of five signed copies we’re giving away.

Discussion

  1. 514

    My heart aches for the friend of my daughters who at 14 finds herself pregnant and afraid to tell her parents. My daughter has brought her to church youth prior and to many church events. i want this book for them both and we need it. i am praying for wisdom to bridge the meeting with these parents.

  2. 515

    This looks like an amazing book! I am a youth leader at my church, and this topic has been raised here recently with some dating questions and topics being brought up. I have been looking for good information to help guide the youth as they embark on this journey. The key being Godly relationships and what they look like and what tips can be directly applied to be sure they are walking the right path.

  3. 516
    Holly Priest says:

    Sounds like an amazing book! I have a 13 year old sister in law I would love to give this too!

  4. 517

    I have a 9 yr old daughter and I am dreading the teen years! She is already having meltdowns and mood swings that I can’t believe, I can’t even imagine what it will be like when she starts to be interested in boys! I know that I want to be prepared for it and ready to answer questions and guide her in a Godly way. I would love a copy of this book!!

    • 518

      I went through Shaunti’s book “The Secret Keeper” with my daughter when she was around 9 or 10, and it opened the door to some great conversations. It really starts with what’s going on in a girl’s heart.

  5. 519
    Teresa Jarvis says:

    You are so right on! I have three daughters ages 21, 19 and 17. We started them early (age 3-4) with the “God’s Design for Sex” book series, then on to “Passport to Purity” weekend (for teen years) and now I’m helping to lead a High School girl’s group and we are studying “Gift-wrapped by God”. So far, I can say that my girls all have Jesus living in their hearts and are passionate about purity in their lives and I feel very blessed to be their momma! I’m so glad to see you have a book also! I can hardly wait to read it!! And I can’t believe you say “Friend Boy” also!! I thought I was the only one who said that!!! :) Seriously if we lived closer, I think we would be good friends. We are so much alike in our thought processes and words! Praying for your ear problem too Lysa! Love all your work!
    Teresa

  6. 520

    Having been through “Made to Crave” myself, and seeing the positive effect “The Secret Keeper” and “And the Bride Wore White” had on my daughter’s heart, I’m excited to see the result of you two working together!

  7. 521

    I’m planning on getting a copy for my niece. She’s a preteen with less spiritual guidance in her daily life.

  8. 522
    Elizabeth Glover says:

    Lysa, I love the things you post. And this comes at a good time. I have a cousin, whom I love as a sister, who has struggled her entire life with the emotional “need” to have a man validate her. She was really into the party scene for a lot of years, and made one bad choice after another, until, at long last, she ended up in a relationship so terrible that she had to be literally pulled out of it and dropped into rehab on top of that.

    Finally, something seemed to click in her brain, and she’s been clean and sober for a year and a half now, and, I believe, earnestly seeking God.

    But she’s still struggling with issues over her man defining her. And now she’s pregnant, and while we’re excited for her, there’s a whole host of issues with the baby’s father…and I’m worried that he’s going to pull her right back down again if she can’t stick to her still-new, still-not-broken-in faith. She’s 26, but in so many ways, she’s still so young.

    I would love to give her a copy of this book. I think it would do amazing things for her. I love her so dearly, and so desperately want to see her pull through this and into what God is longing to pour out on her…

    Pray for her, dear friend, if you have a moment. Her name is Emma. And pray for her soon-to-be daughter, Annabelle. I want Emma to find the Peace and joy of really KNOWING God, and knowing that she’s unconditionally, irrevocably, amazingly loved by Him, and that THAT is what should define her. Thank you so much!

    • 523

      praying for emma and annabelle. I went thru this with a daughter who was 17 in highschool and pregnant. Not the plan I thought out for my daughter. But our grand daughter is 15 now, and is a gread young lady, but is choosing guys who are not Christians to hang with. Scares me, and I am praying so hard that she will listen to words of wisdom from the Bible, youth group and those of us who love her. Hang in there and I will pray for Emma too, we don’t know what the Big Picture is. I think that my grand daughter changed my daughters life and caused her to have to be responsible and not run around with the wrong crowd. Only God knows…

  9. 524
    Michelle says:

    Love this post and can’t wait for the book! So excited to share it with my 13 year old daughter. I’m crazy about Shaunti’s books, too, so what a dynamic combination. Lysa, how are your ears? Still praying, Girl!!

  10. 525
    Carrie Jollymore says:

    Lysa,
    I wished that I had that book around when I was a teen. There are so many things if that if I could go back in time I would not have done. God has made me a new being though through it all. To HIM I am greatful and un-ashamed.

  11. 526

    These are perfect questions to ask! What a wonderful book.

  12. 527
    Anita Swanson says:

    I desperately need a copy of this book to share with my daughter who will be turning 13 this next year. She has been asking for a purity ring and I want her to be able to guide her in a godly way so that she fully understands what it means. I am excited to share this book with my daughter.

  13. 528

    This sounds like a great resource! My husband and I have 3 daughters and work with college students so the “Boy Questions” come up almost daily. I encourage girls to “watch” guys outside of dating relationships. It’s much easier to pick up on genuineness OR “red flags” (as we so affectionately call the negatives) in a guy when emotions aren’t deep. I think Kevin Leman says, “You can’t help who you fall in love with but you can help who you date.” Training our girls to stand firm in their faith that God has great plans for their lives, in many cases to include a husband, is absolutely vital. By the way, I truly feel Satan is attacking boys and men, knocking them out through avenues like porn and feminism. We, as girls and women, need to pray for the protection of our brothers. My 13 year old is praying God’s protection over her future husband now ( if marriage is His plan for her). Think about it…our daughters’ husbands exist right now somewhere in the world and may be facing huge temptations that will affect their purity and ability to lead in the home. I want to be praying over those young boys now! Thank you for your ministry. The body of Christ needs your gift!

  14. 529
    Miranda says:

    Lysa,
    I have to say these are great questions to all the way around!! I dont have kids but I sure
    could ask myself the same questions with people, friends, even family that I surround myself with. Thanks as always, God bless.

  15. 530

    this is so true! if I could just get this through my thick head!!! His Truth and daily communion w/Him brings us closer walk/relationship w/Him. Thanks!

  16. 531
    Brandy Moore says:

    This is a great article that I will be sharing with the middle and high school girls I work with in church. We have recently started a girls ministry and I am always looking for topical stuff for the girls to discuss…..this was perfect. Thank you for sharing :)

  17. 532
    Nancy Griffin says:

    I’m a mom of boys. My house is painted testosterone. Thank you Angela Miranda for putting your comment out there. It’s so important.

  18. 533
    Ingrid H. says:

    I lead a teen and a children’s book club and will be definitely be putting this book in our list for the new year. I am a Teen Sunday School Teacher and I have been working ninth and tenth grade for about 15 years. I can’t wait to read it and share what I hope will lead us all to open up and seek God’s ways and not our own.

  19. 534

    I think this book would be a great resourse and asset for my two daoughters, one who is 16 and one who is 12. They have both been taught purity. Yet I see my 16year old playing with the fire in this area after having a steady relationship with a friend boy for 8 months. Definitely need some helpful reasources.
    Tammy

  20. 535

    I wish I could have read this book as a teenager. Want to share with my daughter. Thank you for your ministry!

  21. 536
    TN Lizzie says:

    I’m thinking #522 would be a lovely person to receive this book!
    Please don’t enter me to win this? I will buy one asap!

    My 3 girls love The Princess and The Kiss – they are 17, 13 and 9 and can all spot Prince Peacock! I look forward to reading this combination of my 2 favorite Authors!

    Thank you for serving Him by serving our girls!

  22. 537
    Katie Matthews says:

    I remember being that girl that was absolutely heart set on that boy (now my husband) in high school. He was a real bad bad influence on me and no matter what anyone said (and lots of people said..) I did what I wanted and what I thought was right. I didn’t know God. Much to my surprise my husband came to the Lord and brought me with him! I think that we need to raise up our children in the way they should go and when they hit that stubborn age we do need to tell them what we think of the boys they hang out with. But I think that we also need to be open with them, Communication is so huge! My parents always yelled at me about my husband but in my heart of hearts I knew that he would be sober some day and that we would have a wonderful life. So now that I am a mom I think that it probably wont do any good to tell my daughter who she can and cannot hang out with but to surround her with godly friends and practice senerios with her even if that sounds stupid. I know when I would get propositioned or something along those lines from people I wouldn’t know what to say. Also group dates. My husband and I used to joke about how we were going to borrow that neighbor’s car and follow them to the movies then sit in the back row (or the row right behind them lol) only our neighbors drive a bright green VW beetle so it might be a little obvious. For real though communication lines areBIG BIG BIG! let your kids know they can tell you anything! and let them know that you love them. SAY THE WORDS. Sometimes people don’t know you love them unless you say it.

  23. 538
    Janna Haik says:

    I have two preschool aged girls, and I want to begin instilling in them now a healthy self image, one based on how God sees them not society. :)

  24. 539

    I prayed for the right man for me, even though I was only 15, and I met and married him at 17. And yes we are still in love and married to each other 42 yrs later. He is a committed Christian too. That made all the difference in the world.
    I have prayed for my girls to and for them to marry Christian men who would be leaders in their family. This I am sad to say did not happen. They chose nice guys, but not active Christians. Now I have a grand daughter who is dating, and her boyfriend says he is an athiest. This is so heartbreaking to me. I can’t tell you how my heart aches. I am trying to just let God be in control, but here I am crying, and pleading. I have watched my grand daughter grow up and am very close to her. She accepted Christ and was baptized at 9, and I share scripture with her, pray with her and see that her mom get’s her to youth group, yet she is making a very unwise choice. I can’t do much, I am just the grandma, but please pray, anyone who reads this. Thank you

  25. 540

    I would love this book for my 14 yr. old daughter! Yesterday she brought up this subject as they are reading “A Young Woman after God’s Own Heart” in her Ladies in Waiting group on Sat. night at church. We had quite a discussion! It makes me feel good that she is not worried about/or consumed by boys! She is homeschooled and just has a very different attitude than most of her friends who are publicly schooled! However, I do feel that it’s important for her to know what God has to say about this subject and how God wants her to live her life!
    I read your book “Made to Crave” and I absolutely loved it! Although I don’t battle with food issues, I feel that the message of the book applies to any “issue” that we may be battling! It helped me so much!
    If I don’t win this book, I will definitely be purchasing it!

  26. 541
    Paula Williams says:

    I’m raising my 13 yo sister in law. She has been through death, moving, changing schools and it has been a struggle for her. We are in church and she’s involved in the youth group which is very small. This would be a wonderful read for her to see that challenges and answers (more importantly) are everywhere. I’m being challenged with how to respond to some of her comments and questions. I’ve raised 2 daughters 30, 24 so have been around. But the times they are a changing. I need to keep up so I can make sure she is given positive, Godly ways to meet the challenges before her.

  27. 542

    My prayer for my daughters is that they won’t just look for a good guy. They will look for a guy who is so in love with Christ that it will radiate from them. That is the only way a guy can love them the way they deserve to be loved. Thank yoiu for this post. I am printing it off for both my daughters to read~ God Bless you!

  28. 543
    Christina R says:

    Wow, this book looks great! My prayer for my daughters are that they will live for the Lord and in doing so attract the kind of guy who is also living for Lord. Thank you for this post, I am printing the questions to give to my daughters!!

  29. 544
    Rachael Santana says:

    Just want to say thank you and thank God for all that you are doing. I am excited to read this book and made to crave. May God continue to bless you and use you evermore. May all our daughters be blessed by this book and books to come!

  30. 545

    I really think this book would be very good for parents to read even if they don’t have girls! I think it would be good to be able to help the boys understand what girls are thinking as well!

    -Gina

  31. 546

    I LOVED Made To Crave! I would love for my girls to read this new book. Thank you for caring about young women, too.

  32. 547

    Thank you so much for your daily inspirations! I love Made to Crave. I have seen you in person twice, and absolutely love your outlook and honesty. I can’t wait to get my hands on this book. I have two preteen girls and so want to guide them in the right direction.

  33. 548

    I have a 23 year old daughter, who is so desperate for a man to love her, that she is constantly choosing one bad one after the other. I would love to have this book to share with her.

  34. 549

    I did MTC study with a friend last summer, and then recently participated on Melissa Taylor’s online MTC study. I had not weighed myself in awhile, so I did yesterday and am happy to report the pounds I lost during MTC are still off!! :D

    The most important thing for me since doing MTC is that I’ve remained in God’s Word and am continuing to grow in my Christian walk. I have degenerative disc disease and severe osteoarthritis in my spine, so my days of doing any sort of booty camp are over…but…MTC started me back exercising! Pain had stopped me from exercising and being able to do things I once loved to do, but I now go to the YMCA 3-5 times a week. I walk for as long as I can and lift weights to work on my arms, legs and core.

    My goal now is to get back on a healthy eating plan. I have totally eliminated ANY and EVERY form of junk food from my house!! :D We have included more fiber, fruits, veggies and fish in our diet now (changing my husband’s eating, too, of course! ;) ), but my goal this summer is to really work on portion control. I joined sparkpeople.com and it’s an EXTREMELY easy way to keep track of my food, exercise and measurements. It even tracks how daily fiber totals!

    I’ve purchased Made to Crave for Young Women for my 20-year-old daughter. I’m hoping she’ll get to do it this summer while she’s home from college. Thank you so much, Lysa, for writing MTC!

  35. 550

    I am a teen who love a copy, but if not I am going to buy one anyway :). I read the first Made to Crave,in a group, and it has helped so much. As I am growing into a woman though, I am noticing some spots God is growing me in pertaining to your book. Thank you for writing these books :), they have been a blessing to me and many. God Bless :)!