Last night I had a really hard time sleeping. The screeching in my ear reached an all time high and not even medication could keep me asleep. My throat tightened as the frustration of the past 3 weeks threatened to spill out in a million tears. I could feel myself slipping over a terrifying edge.
That edge where hopelessness pulls right in the moment where you feel too weak to resist.
I whispered, “I’m slipping God. I can’t stand this for another minute. Much less 5 more minutes. Or 5 more hours. Seriously God. I can’t. I’m trying to be brave. I’m trying to deal with it. I’ve claimed your healing. I’ve begged for your healing. And I truly believe you are healing me. But in this minute, I’m freaking out. And I’m so sorry if “freaking” is a bad word-I’m still on the fence about that one. But, really God, I feel myself falling and I can’t figure out what to grab onto.”
Gosh this is where faith gets awfully messy, isn’t it?
Most days, I am like the little kid on the swing going higher and higher, touching the clouds without a single pang of fear. I know the swing will hold me. I know the chains are secure. So bold. So assured. So confident.
Last night, I was terrified of the swing. The chains felt more like unraveling threads with a screaming me dangling at the end. My faith felt small.
But my faith is what was right in front me. And when one falls, out of instinct they grab onto whatever is right in front of them.
And I guess I just want you to know today that even small faith is completely able to hold you.
Because it held me last night. Through the minutes and hours I didn’t think I could press on.
I started recounting all the ways God has made sure my faith was right there in front for this inevitable slip.
I thought about the ways that I’ve seen the hand of God in the past couple of days.
Recounting His faithfulness secures the chains. Shows me I’m not dangling by a thread out on my own.
One of those ways was discovering our sound machine is actually a gift. That crazy sound machine has aggravated the stink out of me for years. But, I discovered that when put on the rain setting, it helps soothe the screeching in my ear.
Without ever having told my Pastor this, he sent me a text saying he was praying for me and God had put on his heart these verses: 1 Kings 18: 41-46.
And what are those verses about?
Rain. The sound of a heavy rain.
A rain that happens in between two vastly different displays of faith in Elijah’s life. One minute he’s swinging with great faith so bold and secure he calls fire down from heaven.
And then only a few verses later we see him dangling by a thread as he runs and hides in a cave.
The Lord soon comes to Elijah in a gentle whisper and shows him what to do at the end of that thread. “Go back the way you came,” (1 Kings 19:15).
God was saying, “Backtrack and remember all the places where I’ve been so faithful before in your life. And know. Know with assurance. And boldness. And confidence. I AM. I AM the same faithful God.”
So, these words slip into my soul. I turn up the sound of rain. I grab onto my faith right in front of me. And discover, I am held.