Hi Friends, if you're looking for the final The Best Yes webcast replay, click here.

Wednesday, February 29

3 Marriage Lies

I know the heart-ripping hopelessness of a relationship unraveling. The coexisting. The silent tension. The tears.

The first five years of my marriage were really hard. Two sinners coming together with loads of baggage, unrealistic expectations, and extremely strong wills.

There was yelling. There was the silent treatment. There were doors slammed. There was bitterness. There was a contemplation of calling it quits. There was this sinking feeling that things would never, could never get better. That’s when I first started hearing the 3 lies:

  • I married the wrong person.
  • He should make me feel loved.
  • There is someone else better out there.

I believed those lies. They started to weave a tangled web of confusion in my heart. All I could see was all that was wrong with him. I became so blind to his good. I became so blind to my not so good.

And I wasn’t shy about sharing my frustrations about the whole situation with my friends.

Many nodded their head in agreement with me, making me feel ever so justified. But one didn’t. She said, “I know what you think. But what does the Bible say?”

Ugghhhh. The Bible? I didn’t think her “religious suggestion” would help me. But over the next couple of days, I kept hearing her question about looking into the Bible replaying over and over in my mind.

Reluctantly and with great skepticism, I tried it one afternoon. I turned to a couple of verses she suggested including 1 Corinthians 13. As I read the list of everything love is supposed to be, I got discouraged. My love didn’t feel kind, patient, or persevering. The love in my marriage felt broken.

I closed the Bible. It didn’t seem to do anything but make me feel worse. So much for that.

Then a few days later I heard an interview on a Christian radio station where a couple was talking about these same verses. I wanted to gag and turn the station. What do they know about how hard love can be? That’s when they said a statement that grabbed me, “Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a decision.”

Wow.

I went home and flipped to 1 Corinthians 13 again. This time instead of reading it like a list of what love should make me feel, I read it as if I could decide to make my love fit these qualities. My love will be kind. My love will be patient. My love will persevere. Not because I feel it — but because I choose it.
Decide this in your marriage: "My love will be kind. My love will be patient. My love will persevere, not because I feel it-but because I choose it!" www.lysaterkeurst.com
At the same time God was working on my husband’s heart as well. We decided to make some 1 Corinthians 13 love decisions. Slowly, the cold stone wall between us started to come down.

It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t overnight. But slowly our attitudes and our actions toward one another changed. And I stopped believing the marriage lies and replaced them with 3 marriage truths:

  • Having a good marriage is more about being the right partner than having the right partner.
  • Love is a decision.
  • The grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water and fertilize it.

Maybe you’ve heard the marriage lies before. My heart aches for you if you are in a hard place in your marriage. And believe me, I know tough relationships are stinkin’ complicated and way beyond what a simple blog post can possibly untangle. But maybe something I’ve said today can help loosen one knot… or at least breathe a little hope into your life today.

I know marriage pain and I know marriage redemption. Building a bridge between those two realities isn’t easy but it is possible.

Our bridge was the culmination of a lot of little love decisions. Like the one I saw my husband make yesterday when I left my workout clothes in a pile on the floor in my bathroom.

This used to be such an aggravation to my man… me and my messes.

But look what I found when I got home… a love decision.

Note from Art

What love decision might you make today? Let me know in the comments below.

Discussion

  1. 53

    This is one of the best posts you’ve ever posted!! I will keep it for my future reference as well as a reference for me to have the right words to say to my friends in need of relationship help. I wish I would have the courage your friend had to ask you what the Bible says about marriage, when she could have just lamented with you in your misery. Thanks for the great words! (BTW: I was in Charlotte this week in a deposition, and the court reporter was telling us about her awesome church. She ended up being one of your fellow church members, but said she didn’t know you personally – just knew of you!)

  2. 54

    Oh Lysa, how I needed to hear this. My marriage is not good. I feel so empty. I have been married for almost 34 years. My husband had several affairs about 8 years ago. I thought I had dealt with it. But I have not. I want so much more from him. I saw the romance and kindness he showed to someone not his wife. Is it wrong for me to want that? There are times I want to just throw in the towel and quit. But then I think, that is what satan wants. He wants to destroy my marriage. So, I hang on. But it isn’t enough. I know I do things that irritate him and same for me. Sometime it is hard for me to be intimate with him without getting angry and hurt. How can I get the feelings back? I will try and do what you suggested in your post. Thank you for your words today.

  3. 55

    Thanks Lysa for letting God use you to speak to me. That lie, he should make me feel loved, is exactly how I felt this morning. My husband and I argued over the most stupid thing (as always), I lost my temper and went into my usual ‘you don’t love me, trust me, value me…..’ whinge and he ignored my tantrum and walked away as he always does. We go through this routine so often, because I feel I deserve more. So more than anything today I needed God to remind me to make the decision to be the right partner, and choose to work on changing myself, not my husband. Thanks again.

  4. 56

    The marriage truths are profound. I may have to share them on my FB page. ;)
    Art is definitely a keeper!

  5. 57

    Wow, you must have read my mind… AGAIN! yes, love is a decision. Every day it is a decision. Thank you for reminding me.

  6. 58

    I once heard that a goof test if one is showing real love is to take one’s name and put it in everytime 1 Corinthians 13 says love.

  7. 59

    Sure feels different looking at it through different eyes. My husband and I are a couple days away from our first counseling session and it is just the vision I needed to go in with. Like the Francesca Battistelli song, Love’s Not Easy, But it’s Worth It. Thank you for this post, it was perfect timing!

  8. 60

    Lysa,
    I love listening to your radio moments and I enjoyed hearing you on the Girls Getaway Cruise in January of this year. This message is so true. I learned this very statement a number of years ago when my marriage was in shambles….Love is a choice. I’m happy to say that as we’ve learned to do love God’s way we are enjoying a very sweet relationship and will celebrate 30 years this year!!
    Thanks for sharing the “love note” your husband left…I’m the one who usually gets irritated with the messes, so it was good inspiration for me!

  9. 61

    OMG!!! That note was so completely sweet!!! How could you not love a man like that! WOW I am impressed!
    I think nowadays it is so much easier to just get a divorce than to stay in a marriage. Marriage is challenging, hard work, sacrifices & compromises I am a victim of divorce but it truely was a blessing. I thank God everyday for my wonderful amazing husband/ family; I’m a much better person. “disappointments are God’s way of saying I have something so much better for you”

  10. 62

    Lysa, you are not going to believe this. But a couple we know is going through dramatic battles in their marriage. The teeter-tottering effect of letting each other down is at full swing. It used to storm in their marriage quite frequently, now when it comes it hits like a tornado. I’m praying for my friend and sent your blog over to her. She just shared the recent tornado that hit and I was able to pass this along and all she could say was “WoW!!!”

  11. 63

    This is one of the most helpful, encouraging, true-to-life posts that I have read from one that has “been there”
    Oh, thank you so much for posting this Lysa! I know sometimes it has to be hard to relive some of the painful past. I have and still am sometimes, living those moments. Now. One day good, one day horrible,, one day wanting to spend the rest of my life with him., one day, wanting OUTTTTTTTTT! I know what God’s perfect will is and it is for us to work on our marriage and to NOT take the easy way out. Even though, it is sooo hard at times.. I am committed. I do love my husband. Please pray for us as we walk through this at times “walking on egg shells” existence,, walking through a verbal mine field, ‘ya never know what is going to set him off, or vice versa. It is sooo good to hear that you and your husband made it through…….that is so encouraging Lysa. We have been married a year and a half and emotionally it has been one of the hardest times of my life. I know that it will get better though. There is NOTHING too hard for God my Father. Thanks everyone for your prayers. I think that we ALL need them nowadays!

    • 64

      Cindy and Lysa,
      First off, this was a great post. But second, Cindy, I very much relate to your comment here. But what struck me was you’ve only been married for a year and a half. My husband divorced me yesterday on what would have been our 18 month anniversary. We had the difficult relationship, and he threw in the towel after 10 months. I am praying for you. I’m specifically praying that while you’re working on you, God will be working on your husband. I’m gonna pray for endurance to finish well, and for repentance and forgiveness on both sides, where needed. My heart goes out to you!

  12. 65

    God just moved my soul 5 spaces through your words. Thank you so much Lysa. After reading, I choose to take little steps everyday to loving people better. I choose to release my expectations of them, smile more at them, and let people in. I choose to love. I love to choose. Ha!

  13. 66

    Thank you for sharing so openly and truthfully. It just saddens me when I think of the families. Many days, months, and even years it is hard to like our children and yet we do not choose to stop loving or at least act lovingly toward them. Why do we so discount the need to act loving toward the one that we got to pick out?! Love is an intentional, daily commitment.

  14. 67

    One word for your husband’s kind and loving note – OUTSTANDING! What a wonderful example of a loving decision!

  15. 68

    is anyone else crying when they read that note???? Wow….what an awesome thing for your hubby to do…I love it:) thanks so much for this..I have a dear friend who is def in the valley with her husband; he is not a believer so that makes it hard indeed, but she is choosing to stay (even when he threatens to leave..which he has done off and on for the last 10 years) and LOVE HIM ANYWAY. I have def been convicted by your words today since many times I have actually told her I don’t know how she does it..instead I should be encouraging her to stick it out and trust God to work on her husband’s heart. He is the God of the impossible…even when we think there is NO WAY…He makes a way.

  16. 69

    Lysa this was great I am going to read 1st corinthians 13 and try it in my marrage thanks for this blog

  17. 70
    Danielle says:

    God is amazing and so are you. By reading this email I can confidently say from this day forward- I will choose to love. (I have already chosen to love Him, but now it’s time to choose to love him.) Thank you, Lysa.

  18. 71

    Ooooh i love this. Lysa you are a blessing and today i am making a decision to be the woman and wife to my bubby that God created me to be. Nothing is impossible when God has me.

    Thank you Lysa.

  19. 72
    Mary Smith says:

    Thank you Lysa! My husband and I have been married almost 40 years and I can tell you it is still a “work in progress”!! The reminder that love is a choice and not always a feeling was good for me to hear again. Your dear husband’s note was so heart-warming! My husband and I have gotten into the habit of leaving notes for each other…me at night, as he goes to bed before me, and him in the morning, as his working hours right now are from 2am-10am. He is working a gov’t contract job here in Bahrain and I will be with him for another 3 weeks and then go back to family…lots of back and forth for the last 11 years!!
    God has been so very faithful in all our years together…only with His grace and strength could we have gotten this far!!:)
    Thanks again!

  20. 73

    I am glad that God is using you to speak to people who are going through such difficulties.I have decided to always see the good side of my hubby and appreciate him more.We are not perfect and should not expect perfection from our spouses but rather see the good in their imperfection.

  21. 74

    Amen..am filled with guilt as have been punishng huby..children cox of long straind..coexistng marriage of 12yrs. Love is a decision- not following my feelngs bt
    doing right even when hurtng. will read 1Cor 13 thru eyes of faith

  22. 75

    Lysa

    Thanks for sharing so openly. I am going through a rough time and over the past 6 months have wanted to get out. I am going to read that passage again and personalise it.
    I chose this man, and so I reaffirm today that with God;s help I will make love decisions to enhance not only my marriage but all relationships.

    From my heart, thanks a million!!

  23. 76

    I WISH I HAD READ THIS 20 YEARS AGO.

    • 77

      I too wish I had read this years ago. What if it’s too late? I have been divorced 3 years, and don’t think it can be repaired, but how do you move forward when you’ve made huge mistakes in your life?
      And I love today’s post, about losing hope when it seems God isn’t answering my prayers that I long to be answered.

  24. 78
    Teresa T says:

    Ha ha. If messes are celebrations, then my husband is a very joyful man! I love that photo.

  25. 79

    Lysa, You just amaze me every day when I read your posts and my Prov31Ministries daily encouragement. Just know that you help so many to stay in encouraged and have hope. I love that you are so real and say it like it is! Thank you,thank you. Julie

  26. 80

    Lysa, How I wish I had someone to speak truth to us years ago…it’s been 22 months since my husband of 26 years walked out on me, our children and our life. Our marriage was no different than others-we married young, had 4 beautiful daughters, and experienced the same things you and your husband did. I made the choice to love him in spite of the bad and to stay in our marriage for all the good in it- not leave because of the bad. He had other “feelings.” Alcohol and another woman entered and here we are- but love is still a choice. When I gave my vow to love “until death do us part” I meant it. My word meant something to me and my vow meant something to my God…so here I stand: praying, waiting, trusting the only One Who can love me now- my Lord and Savior. Love IS a choice- and we get to choose to Love like Christ- or the world. We should pray for marriages every where: please pray…

  27. 81

    I really identified with this post. I have been married almost 26 years and truly had decided it was time to give into those marriage lies and move on. Many things stopped me from making any rash decisions, but a couple of things that I have recently learned that I felt I wanted to share here. I went back and listened to the marriage sermon we heard in church a few months back….did not want to, but God kept urging me to. Two things God told me through this sermon..one…stop praying for your spouse! Yes, stop praying that he becomes the person you want and start praying for yourself…pray that you can become the person your spouse needs! Wow! That totally changed things up a bit. Are things perfect? No, but thankfully, I serve a perfect God. The second thing is this, my marriage relationship is a direct reflection of my relationship with Jesus. Now that slapped me right in the face!! Nothing is more important to me than my relationship with Jesus! This was a real attitude adjustment for me and it started me working a little harder on that praying for me instead of him. And yes, it is working!!
    Thank you so much Lysa for sharing this as well as all the other sharing you do. I learn lots from God through you and wanted you to know how much that means to me!
    Debi

  28. 82

    The end of your post made me chuckle! Years ago, I would get SO frustrated with pop cans left on my husband’s desk. Never mind that at the time he was trying to build his own business and worked until the wee hours of the morning most days. I would nag at him to keep them picked up almost daily. One morning when I got up and found several sitting there…again…I lost it. I cried out to God about how it wasn’t right for me to always have to clean up after him and how hard was it, really, to walk the 15 steps to the recycling bin and drop them in! I felt the Spirit stirring my heart and asking me about who had spent the night awake (drinking soda to stay awake!), doing a difficult job, to allow me to stay home with our children. Ouch. He showed me a picture of my future w/o pop cans…and w/o my husband. Ouch. This man, whom I love dearly, was doing his best to provide and all I could see were a few pop cans. Ouch. It’s been years, and he is no longer doing that job. But, every once in awhile, I’ll still find a pop can on his desk. I smile, thank God for him, and take it to the recycling myself :-)

  29. 83

    I’ve heard what you said before…even heard my parents say it to me when I was young
    “Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a decision” ~ But I think I would take that a step further….
    You can’t love someone until you have decided to Love the Lord with your heart, soul, mind and strength.
    You can “decide” to love someone, but unless you Love the Lord….when push comes to shove, you will not be able to love that person. Love is a decision….. but it’s a decision to Love the Lord first and most, which then enables you to love people, no matter how unlovely they are to you.

  30. 84

    Lysa… God works in mysterious ways!! And through people like you. You truly are right where you should be. My husband and I have been going through a very hard time over the last 6 months. Lies, affairs… leading to broken trust, overwhelming doubt, insecurity …. I love my husband and I know he loves me. We are all sinners and I try to remind myself when I start to hear the lies whispering and the doubt come flooding in. I’m human, and sometimes the hurt, bitterness, and anger come spewing out — Sometimes I still make comments I didn’t realize hurt his feelings or come out the wrong way, and I guess thats because of the bitterness I am still holding onto since he hurt me. I have forgiven him, but I guess sometimes my emotions get the best of me, and I react. ( I can’t wait to read your new book by the way!!) We have good days and bad days and Tuesday night was one of the worst. It was no coincidence that I read your post yesterday. God sent that message to me (and many of us) through you! Thank you for the reminder that loving my husband is a choice!

  31. 85
    Michelle says:

    Lysa, a FB friend placed your article on her page today. I about fell out when I saw it and read the first line. I am in the horrible grip of that heart-ripping hopelessness of a marriage unraveling. I am confused, sometimes angry, hurt. I do feel like I want to give it up. I’ve tried so hard. Prayed so hard. Reached out over and over, only to continue to be ignored, lied to and placed at the bottom of his priority list. I don’t know if he’s having an affair, or what, but his behavior towards me, his indifference, is painful, biting. We had a great relationship at one time. We were the best of friends. Have absolutely no idea where or when it began to unravel. I haven’t told anyone about this; everyone thinks we have the best marriage. I don’t know what to do, but at least now I don’t feel like such a freak, so alone. And maybe that’s the beginning; the reminder I am not alone. God’s here. I just need to keep holding onto Him with all my might.

    • 86
      Diane Jordan says:

      I feel the same as u do
      And it was so hard when my husband did all those things too then on may 30,2011 after 301/2 years of marriage he walked out td me he cheated on me
      And said he wasnt staying in this house any longer that he didnt love me anymore!
      But i just cant believe that i think in guilt in what he did cuz it the first thing he said i cant stay in this house any more
      And another time he said i cant come back there.
      The lady he cheated with he knew her when he was 19 years old he had dated
      Her before me.
      His mother made him move to the town his dad lived in.
      He didnt want to move!
      He met me we dated 2 years and the big things is he still hadnt resolve things with other lady and i didnt know it at the time.
      But i did find out about it and i told him to get those things resolve with her and if he want to be with her to do so!
      I wasnt gna be apart of such things it wasnt right!
      So he went and broke it off with her and married me!
      We have a son 18 and a daughter 25
      Who is married and we have a
      Grandson 2 years old.
      He is a blessing!
      I couldnt get thru all this without the grace of god and my kids!
      And grandson!
      I want my husband back and so our family and be whole again!
      My husband is away from god and
      I have alway stood fast with gods goodness no matter what!
      Its hard and yes im hurt and feel lonely at times but i know i have gods peace way down on the inside!
      I think in manys ways this made me a better person and stronger in my faith and i have learn to trust god more and more each day!
      I dont understand all the whys
      But god has a plan and it hard to wait for that plan!
      God hold all my tomorrows and my todays!
      I wish i would of prayed more for my husband
      But instead i looked to well he doesnt do anything with me r he doesnt spend time with us as a family r he doesnt do anything with my son
      So im just gna do my own thing and if he want come along well so be it attitude!
      The devil knew exactly knew what he was doing!
      He had me thinking that way and had me to busy in about other thing even those
      Thing were good and for god but
      The devil arranged all the this to distract me.
      But i did everything for my husband
      Humanly possible but the one thing i should of been doing for him is praying for him and that to keep my husband in god protection
      Away from women like her and
      To keep my husband in his loving care
      And to show me how i need to love my husband in gods image!
      I just didnt have the undstanding to get the knowledge and be able to have wisdom i needed!
      But whats sad is my husbands not here now so i can let him know these things!
      He want talk to me he has meblocked from his phone!
      I keep praying for gods favor!
      Our divorce is fial in july!
      Which i dont want and believe in
      So i keep praying for gods favor in this matter and tvat god will intervene
      From my divorce going thru!
      I dont know what else to do
      Except to believe in gods promises!
      And keep believing what the bible say
      He does does things for all our good.
      And he will give the desires of our heart
      For those who seek him!
      Thanks for ur devotional it really spoke
      To me!
      Diane j.

  32. 87
    L. Rogers says:

    After 38 years of marriage, I can say a big “Amen!” to everything you say. In addition, we determined that divorce would never be an option for our marriage; each of us had already had a failed marriage when very young. We made Jesus the center of our relationship, and committed our lives to him and to each other. Like everyone else, we’ve had our tough times, but God is faithful and has seen us through every one of them. My advice to young marrieds: the same as yours. I especially endorse the idea of praying to change yourself, rather than your spouse.

  33. 88

    Thank You Lysa!! Your words have truly opened my eyes. God Bless.

  34. 89

    Lysa, just want to say your writing truly speaks to me. Wish I had known you through your writing four years ago. I made a couple of comments on others’ comments to this post on FB I believe. Do I ever wish I could go to lunch or go out for coffee with you, Renee, Sam, Melissa, and Sharon. You women have so much of God’s wisdom, love, and Word in your hearts. I just want you to know, Lysa, I appreciate and love everything you write. Thank you and the P31 Team for your loving and nonjudging words. Peace, love, and blessings to you.

  35. 90
    Leonie Brewer says:

    Dear Lysa you could be penning my life – my words, thoughts, actions, deeds. I seem to have had the same struggles as you, and I am so happy to say that also like you, I decided to make those small love decisions too. My change of heart was due to watching, listen and hearing Shanti Feldhahn’s DVD “Exposed”. I went home from that conference, got on my knees to my hubbie and asked him to forgive me for never having said to him, “I’m proud of you”! I’d been disrespecting him for years and never even knew I was doing it. It was always about me and my hurt feelings! But praise God what I heard on that DVD changed my heart like nothing else. I cant tell you that we dont go back to our old ways at times, but I can tell you that it’s not often we do that anymore and when we do, one of us will remind the other of our commitment to make the right love decisions.

    Standing for a godly marriage
    Leonie

  36. 91

    Thank you so much for this Lysa! I too know the heart ripping hopelessness of an unraveling relationship. It has been 4 yrs & thank God He showed me early on Love was a decision, it was & is my choice to love my husband. One lie you mentioned hit me right between the eyes – “He should make me feel loved”. It has been almost 3 yrs since I have heard the words “I love you”. Hugs & kisses must be asked for, they don’t come spontaneously. I have been working on being the kind of partner 1 Corinthians describes. You made me realize I had bought into the lie that my husband should make me feel loved when I really should be looking to God. Unconditional love isn’t based upon a response , it should be freely given. Thanks so much for your encouragement!

  37. 92

    I’m confused about the second lie – are you saying your husband should NOT make you feel loved? Like he can totally ignore you and it’s ok because he shouldnt have to make you feel loved? I don’t really understand that lie or why it is a lie. Shouldn’t we both be working towards making one another feel loved? Even in the Bible Jesus says if you love me keep my commandments – that is how Jesus feels loved by us. If my husband and I have made the decision to love one another – why wouldnt I do my best to assure that my husband not only knows that I love him, but that he also feels it – and why wouldnt he do the same for me? Of course we probably won’t “feel the love” 100% of the time as life gets in the way, we forget, we get busy, we get lazy, we get selfish, but if you arent feeling loved any percent of the time. Then what?
    Im missing your point I think. Can you explain it for me please – or someone who does understand, please explain. thanks

  38. 93
    Elizabeth says:

    Praise the Lord!!!
    Thank you Lysa for sharing those wonderful words on “marriage lies” and that wonderful and inspring note your husband left you…..its really encouraging!
    I am not married nor have a relationship but the wisdom you shared made me tear up …and praise god!!! I am a believer and I believe anything is possible with God!
    I will definitely look at love in a different light!!

  39. 94
    Anonymous says:

    I have three questions. Is your husband seeking Gods favor? Is your marriage yoked with Jesus ? What advise do you have for a wife who has surrendered to the Lord, feels everything and more you have written in this article, and her husband is not seeking the Lord? He is battling major demons.

  40. 95

    Sadly, I bought into the 3 lies years ago and divorced. My ex is now remarried. Wishing I had the wisdom during those turbulent marriage years to follow the Bible and not my feelings.

  41. 96

    Hi Lisa thank you for your words. I have recently receive Jesus as my savior and I have felt the difference in my life. My husband and I are going thru a really bad time right now he wants to leave me and move back to Mississippi to b closer to his family he days but I know there is an old girlfriend involved. I have prayed about this Continually.
    I hope that he wills seek god also. Do u have any advice e for me.

  42. 97
    Frustrated in Virginia says:

    I’m a new reader of your blog and I’m glad I found this post! Ive been praying and have decided to change my ways, change my “usual” approach, choose my words wisely and turn this thing around….but what do you do when you’re the only one being “worked on”? What if you’re the only one deciding to make little love changes? I look at the note your husband left you and think, “Oh so many women out there want that kind of encouragement from their husbands. Especially those of us that stay home and take care of the house and children and it goes unappreciated. It’s gotta be both people trying, doesn’t it?”

    • 98

      Hi, I don’t know if someone else is allowed to answer this, but I was given some great insight today on this very problem. You are daily serving your savior in loving your spouse. Imagine that God is looking over their shoulder at you, though the difficult person or spouse can’t see them. There’s the utmost “spouse” and He notices everything. I’m really going to try and make little love changes in my own life for the approval of Christ.

  43. 99

    I am a new reader here and this post has me in tears. All I ever wanted in life was to be a good wife and mother but I guess my little girls dreams are not to be. My seventeen year old son passed away eight years ago to the “Choking Game” and my thirty-two yera old daughter chooses a life without me. On October 20, 2011 the man I loved since (not the father to my children) 6th grade blindsided me with divorce papers. At the age of 53 I begin life anew…but this time with God as my number 1 cheerleader. I had ran and ran from Him…He put a roadblock in my path. He caught me and is not letting go, nor am I. And for that I am grateful…

    From the outside looking in yours is the life I had dreamed of, but now know that all my roadblocks have me exactly where He wants me to be. I praise Him for His unconditonal love and never giving up on me…

    I enjoy your blog, even through my tears. Thank you!

  44. 100

    Lisa,

    My husband and I are both on our second marriage. We brought a ton of baggage. My three children live with us. We are facing all the trials of a blended family. Last night he snapped at my daughter. I became very angry and neither of us would budge on our sides. We went to bed angry.

    This morning I was determined to handle it in a Godly way. It took me three tries to read two paragraphs from this blog. Finally, I put it aside and sulked around all day. I didn’t do anything productive except stress eat! I picked it beck up and read the entire blog with a new view. I couldn’t believe it. You were speaking directly to my heart. All my steam dissipated in almost an instant.

    Thank you for giving me a great view of what love needs to be.

    Amy

  45. 101

    Lysa thank you for this honest and inspiring view on what love is. Oh how I wish I had seen love for what it was when my husband and I were still together.
    We are separated now and live on different continents as initiated by him. Over the course of a 8 year marriage he asked to go our separate ways a million times. It happened this time because I finally quit pleading that he change his mind.

    I thought I was ok with the marriage ending and eventually leading into a divorce because he pretty much abandoned me and I was left without shelter (long, messy and complicated) so I realise now that I was still seething about that amongst other things and the anger had provided a shock absorber. Over the marriage it had felt like I was the only one fighting to keep the marriage above water with my husband’s philosophy mainly being ‘if it is not working, one moves on’. So the last five/six years of my marriage was pretty much the case of having the horse at the water but not being able to get them to drink because in the case of this horse, they did not see the point of working on the marriage or making any effort as if it was meant to be, it would not be this hard or take any effort at all.

    After leaving me homeless he did (after I sorted myself out by the help of a friend) to say he is open to counseling and once more 3 months later while planning his return his country for good. On both occasions I was still angry, hurt, heartbroken at what had felt like a betrayal from him. I had been willing to go on and try till death did us part but somehow something in me snapped or changed when he left me homeless at the start of our separation and I could no longer try. So I refused his two attempts (which felt as unserious and uncommitted as in the past) to talk counseling as I was thinking what is the point as he has already made plans for his future without me and has given up his job and life here and will be living on another continent soon.

    That was 4-5 months ago. This week something had been speaking to my heart to look at self, at my faults at how I had not been the bible ideal of a good wife. For the first time I was focusing on me, my issues that needing changing and not my husbands and weirdly the anger disappeared and I was left wanting to save my marriage.

    My issue is my husband has moved on mentally and emotionally and asked me to do the same when I contacted him that we reconcile and get counseling. He says he has moved on.

    Our marriage was complicated in that as much as we both had strong wills, flaws and hurt each other. There was also the added pressure of his family disapproval of his union with me. In that over the years they regularly encouraged him to leave,abandon me and separate. He is now back in his home country and living with them.

    I do not know if this is God’s will i.e my husband refusing to reconcile.

    How do I know what God wants for me? What He wants me to do?

    Please pray for me. Apart from dealing with this, for 11 + years I have grappled with severe depression and anxiety.

    Please pray that God forgive and heal me even when all feels broken. That He lead and direct me and that His will be done with reference to my present separation and to my Husband who actively wants a divorce.

    Thank you and God bless you all.

    M.

  46. 102
    Michelle says:

    How do you heal a hardened heart thats been damaged by a husband that abuses drugs? He does good only to fall down again. I read this post and felt a minute of hope. But only to think this will continue. It’s been a 13 year long marriage battle and the battle is drugs.
    -Michelle

Trackbacks

  1. [...] When I’m mad, frustrated, or impatient with the Officer remind myself of these *three things before pouncing. I need to have at least one mental health [...]

  2. [...] When Iā€™m mad, frustrated, or impatient with the Officer remind myself of these *three things before [...]