God, forgive me

I’m struggling writing this post. Not because I don’t have the words. Rather, no words seem quite adequate.

As most of you know, several friends and I spent last week living at the Dream Center in LA. The Dream Center is a converted hospital run by Pastor Matthew Barnett and his church, Angelus Temple.  It is a 700 bed facility that is a homeless shelter, a drug rehab, a healing place for those rescued from sex trafficking, an education facility and a ministry hub for over 120 outreach programs to help people in need.

I went as a woman in ministry.

I went to help meet needs.

But I quickly realized I was there as a woman in need.

A woman who needed God’s reality to fall fresh and heavy and close and real and too in my face to deny.

Because sometimes I find myself talking about God so much He becomes an identity marker but not an identity changer in my life.

Having God as an identity marker is nothing but a label, a language, and a lifestyle.  I’m a Christian. I talk like one. I act like one.

But having God as an identity changer is something so much more.  It’s lavish abandon to who God is and who He’s made me to be. Holding nothing back.

Only lavish abandon to God can do what I saw at the Dream Center.

It’s what changed the ex-gang member with 8 bullet hole scars into a Jesus loving servant.  So gentle.

It’s what changed the ex-prostitute into a counselor for girls being rescued from the streets.  So pure.

It’s what changed the ex-drug addict into a loving father teaching his son how to be a godly leader.  So integrity filled.

What in heavens has been holding me back?

Seriously.

What has been stopping me from absolute lavish abandon to God?

I need to know.

I’m desperate to figure it out.

So, I asked Pastor Matthew- a man who lives this lavish abandon, “Aren’t you afraid sometimes?  You run a facility where you have to raise a half-million dollars a month- a MONTH! Do you walk around with the weight of that on you all the time?”

And his answer cracked my heart wide open.  “No. When you experience God the way I’ve been experiencing God for 17 years, you stop being afraid.  I’ve seen too many miracles.”

Oh. Tears. The woman who doesn’t cry was flooded with a crack in the dam of her soul.

My. God. That. Is. It.

I’ve stopped positioning my life for miracles. In an effort to never make God look bad, I’ve sought only that which I can carefully measure and predict and manipulate into being.

God, help me.

God, forgive me.

If I truly want to be a woman who lives by faith, I must live a life that requires a little bit of faith.

Fresh faith.

The kind that changes everything.

The kind the Dream Center is built upon.

I have an idea of how we can help the Dream Center sweet friends.  I’ll be announcing it soon.

But for today, will you type out a prayer for the Dream Center in the comments below?  And if you have a ministry in need of prayer, will you let us know so we can be praying for you as well.