Yesterday we talked about how to handle harsh critics. Y’all made me giggle saying you can’t see people sending me ugly emails. Honey, honey, honey you wouldn’t believe some of the emails I’ve gotten.
Bless their hearts.
Anyhow.
I thought it might be helpful to balance yesterday’s discussion with the reality that sometimes the hard things need to be said. So, how do we confront someone without being a harsh critic ourselves? Here are some thoughts I have…
1. Ask yourself if this issue really needs to be addressed.
Is this a one time irritation or an on-going issue? If it is just a one time irritation, give grace and don’t let it take up your mental real estate.
Recently, I got a note from a person who didn’t like a devotion I’d written. She spent all this time and mental energy crafting an email listing all the reasons she felt the devotion fell flat and didn’t give her what she wanted. Interestingly enough, this same devotion was so loved by another reader that she submitted it to her local newspaper. It wound up being printed on the front page.
My point is, not every opinion we have is shared by the masses and warrants being addressed. Honestly, some things are better left unsaid.
2. If there is an on-going issue that needs to be addressed, try the Oreo method.
Picture an Oreo cookie… two chocolate wafers with yucky white stuff in the middle. (If you are one of the 3 people in this world who like that white stuff, I apologize. Just hang in there and see the bigger picture here.)
I like to think of the chocolate wafers as encouragement and the white stuff as the tough thing that needs to be said. When I confront someone, I tell them something authentically good- stick the harder statement in the middle- and them wrap it up with something else good.
For example, if you have a good friend who is habitually making plans with you and canceling at the last minute, you are probably feeling aggravated. Instead of letting those feelings stew why not have an honest conversation with her that goes something like this:
“Sally Jo, I love spending time with you. Your spontaneous spirit brings out the fun side of me and makes me so happy. I look forward to our times together and find myself so disappointed when things get canceled at the last minute. Is there a better way to schedule our time together? You are such a dear friend. Thanks for helping me think through this.”
3. Make progress and growth the goal.
The ultimate goal in confrontation should always be positive progress and growth. Growth in me. Growth in them. Because heavens knows we all need to progress and grow. I love the wisdom in this verse: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen,” (Ephesians 4:29).
There is more to be said on this topic but let’s end here. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let’s chat it up today. I’ll be popping into the comments and joining the conversation.
Congrats to Leesa Chestnut who won my Ultimate Mom Giveaway from last week! Please email Holly@Proverbs31.org to obtain your fun prizes!
And one final note – I will be speaking at East Side Tabernacle in New York, NY this weekend and would love to meet you if you live in the area! Please click here for more info!
Lysa,
but I still love them dunked in milk-anyway, I definantly need a pause button for my tongue- if only I can manage to hold my tongue and walk away and give it some time and pray about it overnight it is amazing at the difference a day can make in how I feel. I don’t like confrontation and never will-it seems to always take me by suprise and I can never think of a good or right response until much later after the fact ( I should have said, or I should have done, etc.). So please pray for me to get it right in the future!!
I will never look at an Oreo cookie again the same way
Hugs to you today!
Lysa,
I wouldn’t dream of sending you an email just because one of your messages didn’t ‘give me what I wanted’. It is VERY rare that I don’t LOVE your message but when I don’t I wonder…is God trying to tell me something I need to hear (even though I don’t want to hear it), or is your message meant for someone who needs something more than I do?
Blessings!
Hi Lysa,
This was very helpful for me & right on time. Ihave trouble dealing with & saying the difficult things in a “loving” manner. I’ve been praying about it & really trying to make a conscious effort to think about what I want to say before I speak.
Lysa, your “Oreo” example is quite biblical! It is 1 Cor. 14:3. “But one who prophesies speaks to men for edification and exhortation and encouragement.” We think of prophecy as foretelling the future, but I have come to believe that in this NT context, it simply means to tell forth what has been revealed to anyone who will read God’s word. And it is especially important to say only what is “needed or fitting for the moment”. So the edification and encouragement is the yummy chocolate cookie, and the exhortation is the yucky white stuff. I TOTALLY agree with you…I scrape that crud OFF! Um, wait, I don’t eat Oreos anymore…well, not often…sigh… Yes, MUCH more that could be said on this subject. Thank you for your tireless efforts, and God bless!
Yes, saying the hard things really shows I care as it is much easier to simply be busy when someone wants to do something rather than tell the person that something is bothering me about that person. I would rather a person be upfront with me rather than make excuses or give me the silent treatment.
Zig Zigler and Dale Carnegie talks about how to win friends and influence people. With-holding our true feelings about an issue of an ongoing nature doesn’t help. I agree with you about a one time occurance isn’t worth the confrontation.
Love your entries. Every day goes better when I put God first.
Lysa-
Thank you for addressing this topic. I am one of those woman that is always trying to please everyone and have learned that this just is not possible.
I enjoyed the Oreo example, I am facing this very issue, last minute cancellations, with a friend and have been pondering how to communicate best with her. As a result, I have just been putting it off and we have never really been able to get together.
Thanks for your ministry! It has been a blessing in my life and marriage.
Oh Dear Lisa,
How I wish I could sit with you over a peppermint mocha! Reading your post today brought so many “what if’s” for me. You see, my family and I are estranged, and it’s broken my heart. It’s been two years now since I received the letter from my sister that would change my family forever. The letter was basically vomit on three pages. It came from a place of hurt, disappointment, and blame. We tried counseling with my pastor, but there was no reconciliation. The sad part is that the letter was verbatim of my mother’s words, thoughts, and feelings toward me since I can remember. Oh it’s such a long story. The hardest part of it all for me is that my family are believers, and they feel that I’m in the wrong, that I need to repent, and return to them as I have in the past, continuing to take their harsh words, opinions, and feelings of who I am and who I am not in Jesus. The part they don’t understand, the part they can’t see, is that I won’t do it anymore because of their mental abuse, and they started to project it upon my four girls and husband, as well. It was a hard decision to make. But with lots of prayer, scripture seeking, and pastoral counseling I was able to come to that decision. My heart yearns to have that sought-after friendship with my mother and sister. My sister is now having children of her own. My romantic dreams of our kids growing up together while their grandparents revel in the midst are crushed. My husband and I even made the decision to move our family 2500 miles to seek out that relationship with my family a few years ago. I thought that all the problems we had when I was growing up as a difficult and rebellious teen and young adult would be in the past. I thought their acceptance of my sincere regret and apologies were accepted and forgiven because they said it was. But sadly we discovered very early after we uprooted our lives that it was not so. We’ve recently moved back to where we were living prior to the move. We are happier, especially since I have removed harmful communication between myself and my family. But oh how I long for it to be different. I love my mom, dad, and my sister. With tear-blurred vision I write this comment to you, hoping that you have some words of wisdom, or just a prayer for me and my family. I’ve come to love you, dear sister: your heart, your quirkiness, your love for Jesus. Especially your ministry. Thank you so very much!
~Amy
Lysa, MORE EXAMPLES please! But instead of a conversation between a girlfriend cancelling…how do edify & uplift when confronting my hubby or teenage daughter? I seem to blow it all the time! Thanks for your uplifting thoughts & encouragement!
Loved your blog today! Hated for it to end…I needed more progress and growth!
I love you but…..no just kidding. I loved the blog today.
Lysa, Wow! another good post w/lots of good words! I like the gem you used, Eph. 4:29, that today speaks more volumes than you anc imagine. I wrote it out & posted on my desk. Thank you & have a joyous day in HIM!
Very intresting analogy, but so true. I wish I liked the ugly white in the middle….lol…I truly only like the chocolate cookie…so keep it coming..i need to learn more on the sweet part..
Lysa,
I am so sorry you are dealing with harsh criticism…I honestly cannot imagine anyone having anything negative to say to you! You are amazing, faithful, inspirational, and a woman who is truly doing God’s work. Satan knows this and wants you to be brought down by whatever means it takes. You are a threat to Satan because you help bring people closer to God!
Now, I have to say that I don’t know whether to thank you or to be angry with you. You see, I was carefully planning some very witty but not so kind comebacks at certain relatives on Thanksgiving Day. I have a situation that has been brewing, and instead of dealing with it as it came up over the past two years, I have stewed and let it fester. Now, I’m at my wit’s end and had it all planned out to have some awesome one-liners roll off my tongue. I felt justified doing this because, after all, I didn’t start it and was simply going to defend my family.
Then..you had to go ahead and post all this stuff about letting the Holy Spirit guide our minds and words. Why did you have to do that? You’ve ruined my evil plans for Thanksgiving! I’ve gone from planning on escalating a conflict next week to now planning on being a peacemaker. : ) (No, I’m not angry with you. Rather, I thank you for derailing my un-Christian plot).
Now, I do need lots of work on the unplanned, angry words that come out of me. I have control over myself except where my husband is concerned. I get so angry with him and say the worst things without thinking about it, only to feel so horrible later about what I’ve done.
Lysa, thank you for all that you do. You are a blessing, and I don’t know what I would do without this blog.
Lisa, you are just such a joy… I could use a friend like you!!!! I am now a grandma, and love forwarding your mommy lessons to my sweet daughter – 23 and mother of 3 precious “babies” (4, 3 and 1). Thank you for lifting my heart in a time of… trouble. You are a blessing to me
By the way Eph and the Peters are my favorite books!
Please give NYC a big hug from me. I am one southern girl who loves that city so. Have a safe trip and give all those “city slickers” a good dose of the Lord!
Lysa, We are so looking forward to you speaking tomorrow night here at the First Baptist Church at the Mall in Lakeland, Florida. Here’s the link for tickets and more information:
http://www.churchatthemall.com/events/events_wopchristmas.html
Special Guest: Lysa TerKeurst
Hostess: Angie Dennis
Tickets: $10
Please bring an unwrapped toy for the Florida Baptist Children’s Home.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Program begins: 6:45pm
Doors open: 6:30pm
This is an issue that I’ve often been confused about. You wrapped it all up very nicely…love how you spelled it all out in a Godly way. I hurt a lot if I’m intentionally criticized, so I feel for you with what you’ve had to deal with! I would still have a hard time approaching someone the Oreo way (by the way, I loove the white stuff!), but it would make it easier. Hugs!
Hi Lysa , I sent your article Tender Mercy to a friend of mine. Here is her response. I believe she is clarifying some truth. Please don’t consider it as acriticim
Hi Randa,
this is an interesting article. I do want to respond to something that Lysa said that can very dangerous water ….. “I need to feel it”. While I acknowledge that we as humans have feelings/emotions and they are not to be ignored, it is crucial that we are not steered by our emotions and feelings. As followers of Christ we need to seek the truth found in God’s word and align our feelings with the truth rather than find truth to support our feelings. While this may seem to be a “splitting of hairs” it is crucial for victory. It is Satan who preys on our feelings and places doubt in our heart and leads us to question God. This is our enemy’s same old tactic starting from the Garden of Eden when speaking to Eve to the temptation of Christ in Luke 4. Dwelling on doubts and questions in our mind is how Satan tricked Eve. Our Lord when tempted by Satan in Luke 4 wasted no time to mull over the thoughts Satan would put into Jesus mind. Rather he immediately responded with “it is written”. Swift correction to thinking/ideas contrary to God’s word by God’s word is Christ’s model. Correct thinking about who we are in Christ and the character of God is a battle for truth, regardless of how we feel about our circumstances. I heard it once said that feelings make a great caboose and a lousy engine. How true!! One day we feel great and all is fantastic …. the next day our hormones are out of whack and so it may feel like our world is falling apart. Acting/relying on our feelings will take us no place good. Trusting in God’s word and acting on it will align our feelings as the Apostle Paul said in Romans that we will be transformed by the renewing of our mind. God is always good, always cares and is loving in all his ways whether or not we see it, understand it or feel it. Our victory is assured — regardless of how we feel — putting on the belt of truth will set us in the right direction. Relying on our feelings leaves the door open for Satan to attack.
Blessings,
Sonya
I sure have enjoyed reading your blog. A friend told me about it about two weeks ago. As a pastor’s wife, I have often been given harsh criticism. I feel your pain. It always stings whether there is probable cause or not. Some live and find purpose in handing out “zingers” whenever the mood strikes them. So often these people love to hand out criticism, but fail to hand it out with love and grace. If you have to say hard things, always pray first and then go out with love. You have given out some wonderful truths here and for that I thank you.
Loved the blog today. I couldn’t have read it at a more appropriate time. I just opened my big mouth to my husband with not very kind words. I can control mysself except when it comes to him. Thank You
hey Lysa –
I subscribe and have thought about posting several times, but never did.
But today’s post hit me as relevant to a Bible study I am in. Here is my email to “my girls” today, and I will forward your post right after!!
Hey everybody –
James 3 – what can I say? I am convicted about my evil tongue.
I liked what my notes (NIV Life Application Study Bible!!) said about verse 6 – “the tongue also is a fire….”
“Before you speak, remember that words are like fire – you can neither control nor reverse the damage they can do”. OUCH!!!
A few years ago, Pastor Rick preached a sermon about our words. After that, I put colored signs up on my kitchen cabinets, as follows:
BEFORE YOU SPEAK, ASK YOURSELF – - –
1) IS IT TRUE?
2) IS IT KIND?
3) IS IT NECESSARY?
If number 2 doesn’t make you shut your mouth, number 3 will!!
Periodically, I get those signs back out. Lo and behold, I am reading James 3 last night and what do I see in my study Bible notes? The exact words above.
Timely words, my friends, for a woman struggling with anger (and a soon-to-be teenager in 2 weeks!).
Love,
Amy
Now I am craving an oreo!
Just kidding. Great advice on how to deal with people. I tend to want to lash out, but I am learning to be quiet adn give it to God and wait for Him to direct my path.
I love reading your blog, it blesses me so!
Great words Lysa! Thanks for the insight today and yesterday! On another note just the other day I said to my husband, “I wonder if Lysa realized the extent of her prayer at Rise and Shine?” Two weeks have passed but God is still messing with me…I continue to pray for discernment and direction and the strength and desire to obey! Blessings to you, Jill
I so appreciate your words the last two days. I just was at a wonderful conference this weekend and also heard a great deal about confrontation and handling conflict. I think these words I am hearing are truly from God. He knows the holidays are coming and I need the appropriate way to handle myself with my family. I specifically think the “oreo method” will work wonders. And its the perfect visual reminder. I love oreos dipped in chocolate for the holidays, white stuff and all!
Oh my…this blog is exactly what I needed to hear! I react to people and their behavior or comments and then when I lash out- there is consequences. Thank you for giving me the oreo effect- this is great advice and I will be using it today!
Thanks Lysa … I really needed that. Today I was told to redo some work that I thought was fine, dandy and finished. I then conveyed some of my annoyance in a muted fashion to my line manager, but maybe I should have let the Holy Spirit breathe through me in a pause (as in yesterday’s post), then dealt with in the kind and considerate ways that you explained in today’s post. Thanks for the verse from Ephesians.
With many blessings and oodles of gratitude
Ah, just what I needed to read. I’ve been trying to figure out how to handle some of the things the family I married into says to me while still modelling Jesus’ love for them. I never want to speak un-lovingly but I also don’t want to get walked all over. I’m finding a deep breath and a whispered prayer really helps. I’m also finding that what matters is growth in ME rather than growth in the person I think needs help along the way. Yep, it is usually ME that God wants to show something. Good thing He is so patient with us. He loves us that much!
Thanks, Lysa!
Lysa
good advice. anad i agree with debbie, an oreo does sound good right now. lol. Have a blessed day .
P.S. to my comment……
I love double stuffed oreos! I eat the stuffing first, then the cookies! YUMMY!
God bless your hearts. I have been over worked recentl with service
And I needed to give some hard msg to few servants
Your words are in the write time for me. When
You will be coming to Sydney Australia for a visit?
May the lord bless with his wisdom
Lysa, the Holy Ghost has really dealt with me on this subjet l so I’ve been keeping my mouth in check. That little tounge can really do some damage. And once again your blog has come through at just the right time. So between you and the Holy Ghost as a “tag team” and me taking every thing to heart I’ll come out the winner. Thanks a bunch!
Hi Lysa,
This is a topic for which I have been searching & praying for guidance! I’m a teacher (HS)and sometimes I find I’m a little ‘harsh’, some of these teenagers do need a dose of reality. But I don’t want to totally discouraged them. Thank you for your guidance!
I’m not sure where the East Side Tabernacle is located but I wish I could be there!
I’ll be praying for you!
Thanks,
Bernadette
My comment is off topic (except I am one of the three who loves the white stuff in oreos). I recently changed my car radio station to a Christian music station. It feels strange and yet it has blessed me. Today, though, I heard your little bit on women and handbags — first time I ever heard you on the radio. But you feel like an old friend because of your blog and books. Hearing your voice (pronunciation of your last name) made me feel I was home where I belong. Thank you for being a vessel of God today.
Lysa, Im hoping this is all worded ok. I have a very sad issue going on and Im trying to be so clean and open with God on this. Me and my family had a wonderful relationship with a family that b/c of different opinions she chose to not even speak to us and my daughter was so close to there little girls. I have poured myself out to these people no response and my daughter just did the samething – No response. This is so heart breaking we have now left this church were they attend they are sunday school teachers and on and on and what a poor example this shows to my daughter as to God says we are to forgive or we will not be forgiven. This has been so hard on me and Im really trying to handle to right for my daughter but its so hard when I have been so hurt to and have asked for forgivness and nothing!!!!
Any help Lysa????
I absolutely love Oreos and Double Stuf at that! They have been my nightly dessert almost every night for twelve years (since I was pregnant with my twins). Anyway, I am one of those that has a hard time discerning when I should and should not say something. I pray God will make me a better person everyday.
I usually don’t say a thing because I feel like I’ll make matters worse. Thanks for the help on doing this the Jesus-girl way.
Oh Lisa, thank you for sharing those words of wisdom. I am a co-leader for our women’s ministry at our church. We schedule events for our ladies all year and try to make them as inexpensive as possible so that everyone can participate. The ladies in our church are wonderful about turning in their money by the deadlines, etc. With the exception of one lady. We love her and she’s very active in our church, but she never pays on time. When it’s time to pay – she always has an excuse (out of checks, no cash on me, etc.) and someone else ends up paying for her. It’s an ongoing problem, but we haven’t said anything because we don’t want to hurt her feelings. I love the oreo analogy! That gives me something to think about! Thanks for the great advice!
I LOVE THE WHITE STUFF!! Oh, and I love your blog too.
WE HAVE HAD THIS ON GOING PROBLEM WITH OUR SONS FAMILY FOR 17 YEARS AS A MOTHER AND MOTHER-IN-LAW . I AM TRYING MY BEST TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT AND ONLY SAY WHAT WHAT GOD WOULD HAVE ME TO SAY.WE HAVE 2 CHILDREN DAUGHTER 46 & SON 39. 3 BEAUTIFUL GRAND CHILDREN 2 BOYS SON’S DAUGHTER ONE GIRL. ALL MY LIFE I WANTED ONLY PEACE AND HAPPINESS IN OUR FAMILY. AFTER 47 YEARS OF MARRIAGE . IT IS STILL A STRUGGLE BUT YOUR WORDS REALLY HIT HOME. I HAVE KNOWN FOR SOMETIME THAT THE PROBLEM IS HOW I HANDLE IT. YOUR WORDS HELP SO MUCH. I DON’T LIKE OREO’S BUT SURE LIKE WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT THEM GOD BLESS YOU AND YOURS KAY PS I HAVE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND . 47 YEARS NOV 23 MY 66 YEAR YOUNG BIRTHDAY. BYE
This has come just in time for me Lysa. I did say some things yesterday to someone about someone. I have been holding it in for months and praying the situation would change but it has only gotten worse. I know I am not to judge.I now I feel like a hypocrite, but someone had to say something before something drastic happens. I pray the Holy Spirit guided my words, but I know I only spoke the truth. Please pray for me,that I didnt do the wrong thing. I am hoping I have saved a life..
Ironic or God leading? Yesterday I had one of those ‘critics’ come to me right after Mass, right in Church, and gave me an ear full! Praise God that our priest gave me some godly Holy Spirit filled counsel because this woman here was ready to just throw in the towel (flesh was starting to act up instead of the spirit being empowered)…This early morning I felt the Lord leading me to write this woman who became a ‘critic’ a card with an apology, asking forgiveness for any disrespect, and harshness I had shown her.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen,” (Ephesians 4:29).
“The ultimate goal in confrontation should always be positive progress and growth. Growth in me. Growth in them. ”
That’s it. As I sat in the Priest’s office yesterday after this incident, which he also witnessed and was a part of..I asked him for some kleenex (was going to break down). He leaves and comes back with a brand new box of kleenex, AND wipes..LOL.Later I shared how the Holy Spirit spoke through him and helped me see things in the light of Christ instead of my flesh who wanted to just smack that woman (blush blush) and that I had only gone through one kleenex. We burst out laughing and He gave praise to God for giving us laughter also during this time of much hurt (for he was attacked also verbally)…sigh…oh how our Lord ‘sharpens’ us and takes of the rough edges off of us…I’m learning to stay on the carpenters bench while He does the work…I’m tired of giving everyone so many ‘splinters’…
blessings dear sister…and I thank God for leading me here this morning. Proverbs 27:17!!
Lysa, thank you for this! I am perpetually behind on my emails and yet, I think this was “right on time”. You see, my husband and I are in a rough patch. Have been for quite some time to be honest and I am the designated whipping post. It is hard not to jump into the old woman’s suit and give as good as I’m getting. But I find myself praying for Him to hold my tongue. It IS hard, after all, to argue when someone doesn’t respond! And several weeks ago, our Pastor preached that we needed to be more positive when talking to our children. So rather than being harsh, I am trying to be gentler with my twins. The 2×4 method doesn’t really work, and it is far easier to extend some grace and mercy and lovingly tell them something than to blast in all directions and have to apologize later. Thank you!
Lysa, I have come back to this post several times. I’m dealing with a co-leader in ministry (I am her assistant). She has asked for feedback and for me to share with her things God has shown her in regard to the group we lead. Yet when I do, it is rapidly dismissed as not true for her. I have tried writing her, talking face to face and email. She doesn’t understand and misinterprets my intentions and speaks for me or about me to others. It is destroying our relationship, affecting our ministry and I fear it will boil over to the group. If I try to stay away one week to simply giving God time to work on my heart I am told by her and another friend I am Running away or isolating. I’m stuck up against a wall here. Any thoughts?
I really enjoyed your words in this matter . Sorry I haven’t been on a few days. My dad had emergency surgery . His appendix burst and I tell you what the hospital is the hardest place to be graceful when he needs something and they say be right there and an hour later they come ask you . Was it taken care of..?? HMM?? Oh no you just didn’t ask me that. REALLY !?? LOL Have a good day Lysa