If you are a man cub, you will not get today’s post. So, go read here. Seriously— I’m warning you. You will be sad if you venture on down this page.
To my girl cub readers- you will so understand. Especially my friend Renee. Some of the following info is what helped us become the friends we are today.
Today is a big day.
I am officially celebrating 14 years of motherhood.
Which technically means that it is my oldest daughter’s birthday. She will be celebrated plenty from the minute her mascara covered eyelashes open to the minute she stops texting and falls asleep tonight. Yes, it is her day.
But secretly in my heart, I am having a little party for myself as well. You see 14 years ago, I did not think I would actually survive this motherhood thing.
If I could go back and talk to myself 14 years ago here is what I would say to my sweet young self:
1. Do not take your skinny jeans to the hospital thinking that they will fit once you birth the baby. You gained 55 pounds and the baby will weigh in at a mere 7 pounds. You do the math.
2. When the doctor tells you that dry heat will help heal an a-peez-eee-owchie-me do not take the shade off the Winnie the Pooh lamp and think that will work just fine. You will get the worst inner- thigh sunburn you’ve ever had- ever!
3. When you decide to lose weight by going to aerobics, wait until after you have finished nursing. There are no nursing pads that can handle a lactating, overweight, bouncing mommy. Seriously, it will be one of the most embarrassing hours of your life.
4. Babies who are bald for the first two years of their life will eventually do their mommy’s pregnancy heartburn proud. She will grow to have the most beautiful hair ever. But it will take her 13 years to appreciate it. So, love her through tangles and frizzies and tearful exclamations, “I hate my hair.” Eventually, enough other people will tell her it’s beautiful that she’ll believe it.
5. You’ll go through a season where you think she’ll never get the potty thing. She will take off her diaper in public places and humiliate you. Especially when the next unsuspecting sock wearing lady comes in to use your dressing room behind you. She will think you spilled your water bottle. You will know differently and run like mad out of that store.
6. When she grows into her early teens you will have a chance to get her back. MC Hammer your way through the kitchen during her birthday party. This will get all kinds of “like Mom you are like totally not like cool and you need to like go back to your like room and watch like Wheel of Fortune or like something.” But the slight way she smiles as she says this you know she’s secretly impressed with your moves.
7. Savor every time she says, “hold you me mommy” in the sweetest toddler voice ever. She will eventually stop saying it but she will not stop wanting it.
And Hope if you are reading this and are completely horrified that I used words like a-peez-eee-owchie-me, lactating, bald, and MC Hammer in your birthday post— just wait another 14 years sweet heart. Age does strange and wonderful things to your perspective. Happy Birthday. I love you. Like totally.